Case #15 - Mike Lantern vs Steve Williams (Mikey, your spelling bee word is, ‘‘TOW”)
I should have posted this last week in honor of Veteran's Day weekend. Oh well, as they say in the military, "shit happens".
Before we get started let me explain something about the military to you draft dodging, flag burning, dope smoking, knee taking commies that went to college for a Liberal Arts degree, instead of serving your country. The military thrives on acronyms and abbreviations. Some examples;
NORAD – North American Aerospace Defense Command
SECDEF – Secretary of Defense
MACVSOG – Military Assistance Command Vietnam Studies and Observation Group
And of course the most recognized and unofficial military acronym;
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
The last example I am going to give and one that is pertinent to this story is;
MOS (pronounced "Em Oh Ess", not "Moss")– Military Occupational Specialty the civilian translation of MOS is JOB. It’s the specific job a person in the military has, a cook, a rifleman, a medic, a tank driver, a door gunner, an intelligence analyst, a mechanic, etc, etc.
A lot of deputies are ex-military. Some were more military than others. For instance, a guy who was a Navy SEAL is more military than an Army cook, and let’s not even discuss the Air Force. Mike Lantern and Steve Williams were in the military. Mike was in the Navy, and Steve was in the Marines. One day in the detective bureau, what started out as a typical good natured exchange between two former military men, on who was more military, took a nasty turn when it got down to actual job descriptions. Now as a general rule most ex-military guys would agree that the U.S.M.C. is more military than the U.S. Navy (except of course for the Navy guys). But Steve wasn’t satisfied with that, no, Steve had to add salt to the wound. Steve knew what Mike’s job in the Navy had been, and announced it,
“Pffft, Mike, it’s not bad enough that you were in the Navy, which is basically a seagoing taxi service for the Marines, but you were a Dental Assistant in the Navy!”
WOW! Try convincing anyone that THAT'S not a girl’s job! Good luck. Well Mike is a bit sensitive about his Military Occupational Specialty as a dental hygienist and immediately set about trying to convince the gathered onlookers, some of whom were actual combat vets, that he had performed an important function in the defense of this nation. After all, plaque is the unseen enemy of the nation’s teeth and he was in the front line of that war zone, armed only with an assortment
of dental picks, minty floss and a squirty thingy! Mike then displayed a Silver Crown, and explained that the Silver Crown was the highest award a dental hygienist could earn, next to the Gold Cap that is. His audience’s mocking laughter let Mike know that his Naval exploits were impressing nobody. Mike thought fast, and fell back on the old political strategy of, “If you can’t impress them with yourself, denigrate the other guy.” Mike remembered overhearing something about Steve’s M.O.S. in the Marines.
“Oh yeah? Well I heard Steve just drove a tow truck in the Marines! Wow, real dangerous combat job THAT must have been.”
Now the crowd had a dilemma. Which was more military? A dental hygienist, or a tow truck driver. Well, nobody’s really afraid of seeing a tow truck driver, but most people are afraid of the dentist, and, by extension, his assistant. Then there was that movie, “Marathon Man”, with Lawrence Olivier as a Nazi dentist calmly torturing Dustin Hoffman accompanied by the simple question, “Is it safe?” That movie did for dentists, what, “Jaws”, did for sharks. Things were definitely tipping in favor of Mike until an indignant Steve spoke up to defend himself,
“I wasn’t a fucking tow truck driver!”
“Yeah, you were! I heard you tell Luis Trejo the other day, that you drove a tow in the Marines!”
Steve's jaw dropped open momentarily as he cocked his head to one side. Then he shook his head in disgust and explained,
“No, DUMBASS. I said, ‘I OPERATED a T.O.W.’ ….a Tube launched, Optically tracked, Wire guided missile system! You dumb shit."
Before we move on to the verdict, here's a little test for our readers.
1- Which image would Steve Williams be MOST likely to be found in.
I should have posted this last week in honor of Veteran's Day weekend. Oh well, as they say in the military, "shit happens".
Before we get started let me explain something about the military to you draft dodging, flag burning, dope smoking, knee taking commies that went to college for a Liberal Arts degree, instead of serving your country. The military thrives on acronyms and abbreviations. Some examples;
NORAD – North American Aerospace Defense Command
SECDEF – Secretary of Defense
MACVSOG – Military Assistance Command Vietnam Studies and Observation Group
And of course the most recognized and unofficial military acronym;
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
The last example I am going to give and one that is pertinent to this story is;
MOS (pronounced "Em Oh Ess", not "Moss")– Military Occupational Specialty the civilian translation of MOS is JOB. It’s the specific job a person in the military has, a cook, a rifleman, a medic, a tank driver, a door gunner, an intelligence analyst, a mechanic, etc, etc.
A lot of deputies are ex-military. Some were more military than others. For instance, a guy who was a Navy SEAL is more military than an Army cook, and let’s not even discuss the Air Force. Mike Lantern and Steve Williams were in the military. Mike was in the Navy, and Steve was in the Marines. One day in the detective bureau, what started out as a typical good natured exchange between two former military men, on who was more military, took a nasty turn when it got down to actual job descriptions. Now as a general rule most ex-military guys would agree that the U.S.M.C. is more military than the U.S. Navy (except of course for the Navy guys). But Steve wasn’t satisfied with that, no, Steve had to add salt to the wound. Steve knew what Mike’s job in the Navy had been, and announced it,
“Pffft, Mike, it’s not bad enough that you were in the Navy, which is basically a seagoing taxi service for the Marines, but you were a Dental Assistant in the Navy!”
WOW! Try convincing anyone that THAT'S not a girl’s job! Good luck. Well Mike is a bit sensitive about his Military Occupational Specialty as a dental hygienist and immediately set about trying to convince the gathered onlookers, some of whom were actual combat vets, that he had performed an important function in the defense of this nation. After all, plaque is the unseen enemy of the nation’s teeth and he was in the front line of that war zone, armed only with an assortment
“Oh yeah? Well I heard Steve just drove a tow truck in the Marines! Wow, real dangerous combat job THAT must have been.”
Now the crowd had a dilemma. Which was more military? A dental hygienist, or a tow truck driver. Well, nobody’s really afraid of seeing a tow truck driver, but most people are afraid of the dentist, and, by extension, his assistant. Then there was that movie, “Marathon Man”, with Lawrence Olivier as a Nazi dentist calmly torturing Dustin Hoffman accompanied by the simple question, “Is it safe?” That movie did for dentists, what, “Jaws”, did for sharks. Things were definitely tipping in favor of Mike until an indignant Steve spoke up to defend himself,
“I wasn’t a fucking tow truck driver!”
“Yeah, you were! I heard you tell Luis Trejo the other day, that you drove a tow in the Marines!”
Steve's jaw dropped open momentarily as he cocked his head to one side. Then he shook his head in disgust and explained,
“No, DUMBASS. I said, ‘I OPERATED a T.O.W.’ ….a Tube launched, Optically tracked, Wire guided missile system! You dumb shit."
Before we move on to the verdict, here's a little test for our readers.
1- Which image would Steve Williams be MOST likely to be found in.
If you chose the top image, well.. congratulations! I know a Navy recruiter looking for you.
If you chose the middle image, congratulations! You are smarter than Mike Lantern! If you chose the bottom image, well...congratulations! I know a Vietnamese lady who owns a hair and nail salon that might have a job for you.
VERDICT – The Court finds in favor of Steve Williams and awards him the title of “Very Much More Military Than Mike Lantern”. Oh, and Mike? I floss once or twice a year, just before going to my dental appointment, so I can honestly answer, "Yes, I have been flossing", when she asks, but my gums still bleed. Should I floss more often?
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