Case #16 - The People vs Rick Kianpour (What do you get when you cross a Persian with a Mexican)
There once was a trainee named Kianpour (pronounced Key-ahn-poor, or something like that). As part of the normal training ritual, trainee Kianpour was taken into the station detective bureau, to be introduced to the detectives. When he was introduced to Detective Luis Nunez (the same Luis Nunez as in case #6), Detective Nunez repeated Kianpour’s last name in a thoughtful tone of voice. He leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and put his feet up on his desk. He looked up at the ceiling and repeated the name several times, slowly, as if mulling something over.
“Kianpour, KIanpour, Ki-an-pour, Kianpour."
Detective Nunez finally brought his attention back to Kianpour.
“Kianpour. What kind of a name is that, Kianpour?”
Kianpour puffed out his chest and declared proudly,
“It’s PERSIAN, Sir!”
“Ahhhh, Persian. So you’re Purrr-sian, are you Kianpour?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And are you FULL Persian, Kianpour?”
There was a moment’s hesitation, followed by a hesitant and noticeably more muted,
“Uhhh, no, Sir.”
“You’re not? So what else are you, Kianpour?”
“Well, I’m PERSIAN and…”, momentary pause, “Mexican, Sir.”
Now Nunez, for those of you who don’t know, is VERY proud of his Mexican heritage. He’s one of those guys that would give the American Southwest back to Mexico, if he had a chance. This last answer caused Nunez to sit up straight and lean forward in his chair. I also focused my attention on Trainee Kianpour, as did the rest of DB. The reason for the focused interest was that there was a noticeable difference in volume and pride displayed by Kianpour when he declared his Persian heritage compared to when he confessed to his Mexican heritage.
“Oh. So you’re PERSIAN and… mexican. PERSIAN and... mexican. Are you ashamed of your Mexican heritage, Kianpour?” asked Detective Nunez.
“No Sir.” claimed Trainee Kianpour, unconvincingly.
“Oh? Then why is it that when I asked you about your heritage, you stated PERSIAN in a loud and boastful voice, and Mexican in a whispery, shame filled voice?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“I think you ARE ashamed of your Mexican heritage Kianpour.”
“NO, Sir!”
“Uh huh. Well I tell you what; I’m going to MAKE you proud of your Mexican heritage. From now on your name is Kianporiguez. Do you have a problem with your new name, Kianporiguez?”
“No, Sir!”
And so the trainee known as Kianpour, became Kianporiguez.
Verdict – Deputy Kianpouriguez, this Court finds you Guilty of Being Ashamed Of Your Mexican heritage.
Sentence – You are hereby ordered to;
1- legally change your last name to Kianporiguez,
2- become a Catholic,
3- listen only to mariachi music, and randomly scream out "eeeEEAI-Ai-ai!", while listening 4- hang velvet paintings in your home,
5- display a stuffed frog mariachi band in your living room,
6- drink only, “Budweiser”, beer,
7- put a jar of that red waxy hair stuff in your medicine cabinet,
8- learn the “Mexican Hat Dance”,
9- randomly throw a Spanish word into your conversations every now and then, like, "pendejo", "carnal", and, "chingon",
10- learn all the words to “La Cucaracha”.
Adios muchacho.
There once was a trainee named Kianpour (pronounced Key-ahn-poor, or something like that). As part of the normal training ritual, trainee Kianpour was taken into the station detective bureau, to be introduced to the detectives. When he was introduced to Detective Luis Nunez (the same Luis Nunez as in case #6), Detective Nunez repeated Kianpour’s last name in a thoughtful tone of voice. He leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and put his feet up on his desk. He looked up at the ceiling and repeated the name several times, slowly, as if mulling something over.
“Kianpour, KIanpour, Ki-an-pour, Kianpour."
Detective Nunez finally brought his attention back to Kianpour.
“Kianpour. What kind of a name is that, Kianpour?”
Kianpour puffed out his chest and declared proudly,
“It’s PERSIAN, Sir!”
“Ahhhh, Persian. So you’re Purrr-sian, are you Kianpour?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And are you FULL Persian, Kianpour?”
There was a moment’s hesitation, followed by a hesitant and noticeably more muted,
“Uhhh, no, Sir.”
“You’re not? So what else are you, Kianpour?”
“Well, I’m PERSIAN and…”, momentary pause, “Mexican, Sir.”
Now Nunez, for those of you who don’t know, is VERY proud of his Mexican heritage. He’s one of those guys that would give the American Southwest back to Mexico, if he had a chance. This last answer caused Nunez to sit up straight and lean forward in his chair. I also focused my attention on Trainee Kianpour, as did the rest of DB. The reason for the focused interest was that there was a noticeable difference in volume and pride displayed by Kianpour when he declared his Persian heritage compared to when he confessed to his Mexican heritage.
“Oh. So you’re PERSIAN and… mexican. PERSIAN and... mexican. Are you ashamed of your Mexican heritage, Kianpour?” asked Detective Nunez.
“No Sir.” claimed Trainee Kianpour, unconvincingly.
“Oh? Then why is it that when I asked you about your heritage, you stated PERSIAN in a loud and boastful voice, and Mexican in a whispery, shame filled voice?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“I think you ARE ashamed of your Mexican heritage Kianpour.”
“NO, Sir!”
“Uh huh. Well I tell you what; I’m going to MAKE you proud of your Mexican heritage. From now on your name is Kianporiguez. Do you have a problem with your new name, Kianporiguez?”
“No, Sir!”
And so the trainee known as Kianpour, became Kianporiguez.
Verdict – Deputy Kianpouriguez, this Court finds you Guilty of Being Ashamed Of Your Mexican heritage.
Sentence – You are hereby ordered to;
1- legally change your last name to Kianporiguez,
2- become a Catholic,
3- listen only to mariachi music, and randomly scream out "eeeEEAI-Ai-ai!", while listening 4- hang velvet paintings in your home,
5- display a stuffed frog mariachi band in your living room,
6- drink only, “Budweiser”, beer,
7- put a jar of that red waxy hair stuff in your medicine cabinet,
8- learn the “Mexican Hat Dance”,
9- randomly throw a Spanish word into your conversations every now and then, like, "pendejo", "carnal", and, "chingon",
10- learn all the words to “La Cucaracha”.
Adios muchacho.
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