Skip to main content

Case #16 - The People vs Rick Kianpour (What do you get when you cross a Persian with a Mexican)

Case #16 - The People vs Rick Kianpour (What do you get when you cross a Persian with a Mexican)

     There once was a trainee named Kianpour (pronounced Key-ahn-poor, or something like that).  As part of the normal training ritual, trainee Kianpour was taken into the station detective bureau, to be introduced to the detectives.  When he was introduced to Detective Luis Nunez (the same Luis Nunez as in case #6), Detective Nunez repeated Kianpour’s last name in a thoughtful tone of voice.  He leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and put his feet up on his desk.  He looked up at the ceiling and repeated the name several times, slowly, as if mulling something over.
“Kianpour, KIanpour, Ki-an-pour, Kianpour."
 Detective Nunez finally brought his attention back to Kianpour.
“Kianpour.  What kind of a name is that, Kianpour?”
Kianpour puffed out his chest and declared proudly,
“It’s PERSIAN, Sir!”
“Ahhhh, Persian.  So you’re Purrr-sian, are you Kianpour?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And are you FULL Persian, Kianpour?”
There was a moment’s hesitation, followed by a hesitant and noticeably more muted,
“Uhhh, no, Sir.”
“You’re not?  So what else are you, Kianpour?”
“Well, I’m PERSIAN and…”, momentary pause, “Mexican, Sir.”

Now Nunez, for those of you who don’t know, is VERY proud of his Mexican heritage.  He’s one of those guys that would give the American Southwest back to Mexico, if he had a chance.  This last answer caused Nunez to sit up straight and lean forward in his chair.  I also focused my attention on Trainee Kianpour, as did the rest of DB.  The reason for the focused interest was that there was a noticeable difference in volume and pride displayed by Kianpour when he declared his Persian heritage compared to when he confessed to his Mexican heritage.
“Oh.  So you’re PERSIAN and… mexican.  PERSIAN and... mexican. Are you ashamed of your Mexican heritage, Kianpour?” asked Detective Nunez.
“No Sir.” claimed Trainee Kianpour, unconvincingly.
“Oh?  Then why is it that when I asked you about your heritage, you stated PERSIAN in a loud and boastful voice, and Mexican in a whispery, shame filled voice?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“I think you ARE ashamed of your Mexican heritage Kianpour.”
“NO, Sir!”
“Uh huh.  Well I tell you what;  I’m going to MAKE you proud of your Mexican heritage.  From now on your name is Kianporiguez.  Do you have a problem with your new name, Kianporiguez?”
“No, Sir!”

And so the trainee known as Kianpour, became Kianporiguez.

Verdict – Deputy Kianpouriguez, this Court finds you Guilty of Being Ashamed Of Your Mexican heritage.
Sentence – You are hereby ordered to;
1- legally change your last name to Kianporiguez,                 
2- become a Catholic,
3- listen only to mariachi music, and randomly scream out "eeeEEAI-Ai-ai!", while listening            4- hang velvet paintings in your home, 
5- display a stuffed frog mariachi band in your living room, 
6- drink only, “Budweiser”, beer,
7- put a jar of that red waxy hair stuff in your medicine cabinet,
8- learn the “Mexican Hat Dance”,
9- randomly throw a Spanish word into your conversations every now and then, like, "pendejo", "carnal", and, "chingon",
10- learn all the words to “La Cucaracha”.                                                 
 
Adios muchacho.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Case #11- The LASD vs L.A.P.D. (playing cops and cops)

     In September 1987, the Carson patrol area known as, "Tortilla Flats", was suffering a rash of burglaries.  To combat this, Deputy Ray Gayton-Jacob and Al Harris, who were training officers at the time, came up with a burglary suppression plan.  On, about, Wednesday, September 14, 1987, Ray and his trainee would be dressed in full uniform, but in an unmarked, Chevy Malibu, detective car.  They would cruise the Tortilla Flats neighborhood looking for burglars.  Al and his trainee, would remain outside of the neighborhood in a regular patrol car.  If Ray and his partner saw something suspicious, they would keep an eye on it and call in Al and his trainee to check it out.      Things were quiet, until about 1:00 A.M..  Ray, and his trainee, had just finished jamming a hype at Torrance Boulevard and New Hampshire Avenue and had resumed their patrol.  Ray spotted a black and white patrol car coming slowly their way. ...
32 comments
Read more

The French Toast Connection

  The French Toast Connection        So, when we first got married, Michelle couldn't cook.  As a bachelor, I had survived on oatmeal, eggs, sandwiches, spaghetti, salad and canned soup and that was good enough for me. Michelle's cooking skills were on par with mine, except my eggs, sandwiches, spaghetti and salads were better. Michelle, however, wanted to improve her cooking skills so, every couple of months, she would try a new recipe on us. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was okay, sometimes it didn't turn out so well.      One morning, when Logan was about three years old and Conner was about six, Michelle decided to give french toast a go for the first time. I like french toast, but the boys had never had it.  Michelle called us, saying breakfast was about ready.  We all sat down in our usual places.  Michelle next to me and the boys across from us.  Michelle put a slice of french toast on each of our plate...
5 comments
Read more

Case #65 - re The People vs Don Chanler (A lesson for all trainees)

  Case #65 - re The People vs Don Chanler ( A lesson for all trainees ) Don Chanler was the Question Cadet in our Academy class, class #226.  At the end of each long day, one of the staff instructors would come in and, prior to dismissing us for the day, would always ask if anyone had any questions about the day's classes.  There was only one cadet who would ever raise his hand.  Don Frickin' Chanler.  Chanler would immediately raise his hand and the staff instructor would resignedly call his name. Chanler would always ask obvious question, after obvious question, delaying our release for the day with ev-ery sin-gle point-less ques-tion.  As with all Question Cadets, only he was interested in what he had to ask.  Three years later, Don Frickin Chanler came to Carson with me, Mike Chacon and about 8 other people from our Academy class.  In Patrol School, we were not relieved to discover that he had not changed.  In fact he had gotten worse, be...
Post a Comment
Read more