Case #17 - The People vs The Baker-To-Vegas Wannabes (Smokin’ the competition)
Back in 2006 Carson, had their Baker-to-Vegas qualifier run. Baker-to-Vegas is a big deal! Aspiring runners train for months, just hoping to make the team. 22 of the “in-shape” folks were at the qualifier. Among them were, Joe Corrales, Mark Bosckovich, The Captain, Gary, “Ooooooh Baby Girl” Ross, Lt Oglesby, Miguel Medina, Belen Wilkins, and Dave Kluth……DAVE KLUTH? Yes, Dave Kluth. Uhhhh, is this the same death-warmed-over looking Dave Kluth, who chain-smokes five packs a day, and washes every other nicotine, tar and arsenic laden batch of smoke down with a swig of caffeine laden coffee, forty-sumthin' years old, Dave Kluth? Yup.
He was the little train smoker that could, the little train smoker that just kept chug-chug-chugging a cup of coffee along. For the entire 6.5 miles, one little tune kept running through his head,
“Them ol’ black lungs,
they ain’t what they used to be,
ain’t what they used to be,
ain’t what they used to be,
“Them ol’ black lungs,
they ain’t what they used to be,
I need some oxygen now!”
To be fair, Dave had been preparing for the race for months, by driving slowly behind Natalie Pray as she ran, just to study her form. Dave even ran a block, or two, himself, a few times. Each of these runs was followed by a two pack smoking jag. One pack for each lung. He also quit smoking three days before, which, as any Doctor will tell you, is PEE-LENTY of time to reverse decades of tar and nicotine damage.
At the end of the race, Dave was…..10th. 10th!!! He beat more than half of the runners! Including Captain Rogers and Lt Oglesby! Here’s to you Dave, the chain-smoking-coffee chugging-non-running-Natalie Pray fantasizing-guy’s hee-ee-ee-ro! Normally this would be proofread and emailed, but the story doesn’t stop here. Before a judgement could be handed down, a follow-up incident occurred.
Apparently the freshly oxygenated blood coursing through Dave’s brain set all kinds of gears to turning that had been clogged shut for years. When he realized how well he had done in the run, and who he had put a spankin’ on, his neurons started firing off all sorts of bad ideas. One that caught his fancy was,
“Hey, I just kicked Captain Roger’s ass at running! What else can I do to put the whoop-ass on him? I know, Golf! I’ve never golfed before, maybe I’ll play a little Wii golf at Natalie’s this weekend, just to get the basics, then kick Captain Mulligan’s butt at the Captain’s Cup!”
Verdict – Dave Kluth, the Court finds you Guilty of embarrassing your 20 to 30-something year old, young co-workers, who pride themselves on their physical fitness. Good-frickin-job, partner! You’re also found Guilty of Raising The Bar For Guys In Their 40’s. Way to go, asshole! (Thank God, I was almost 50)
A healthy lung Dave's lung
Sentence – For embarrassing the 20-30-somethings, you will work, part-time, for Philip Morris as an ad campaign. After that, you will go to every elementary school between San Francisco and San Diego, on Physical Fitness day, and blow a puff of cigarette smoke into each kid’s face just before they start running. It’s for the children.
For raising the bar on the 40-somethings, your senior citizen discount is pushed back to your 75th birthday.
P.S. Dave never married Natalie. Dave MAY have gotten a sarcastic "good job" pat on the back from her after a spectacularly bad search warrant (that's another story), but years after this event, he did get married to somebody else, who will read this, since I accidentally emailed it to her. So, Dave will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and all of this week, because we ALLL know how jealous wives can get.
Back in 2006 Carson, had their Baker-to-Vegas qualifier run. Baker-to-Vegas is a big deal! Aspiring runners train for months, just hoping to make the team. 22 of the “in-shape” folks were at the qualifier. Among them were, Joe Corrales, Mark Bosckovich, The Captain, Gary, “Ooooooh Baby Girl” Ross, Lt Oglesby, Miguel Medina, Belen Wilkins, and Dave Kluth……DAVE KLUTH? Yes, Dave Kluth. Uhhhh, is this the same death-warmed-over looking Dave Kluth, who chain-smokes five packs a day, and washes every other nicotine, tar and arsenic laden batch of smoke down with a swig of caffeine laden coffee, forty-sumthin' years old, Dave Kluth? Yup.
He was the little train smoker that could, the little train smoker that just kept chug-chug-chugging a cup of coffee along. For the entire 6.5 miles, one little tune kept running through his head,
“Them ol’ black lungs,
they ain’t what they used to be,
ain’t what they used to be,
ain’t what they used to be,
“Them ol’ black lungs,
they ain’t what they used to be,
I need some oxygen now!”
To be fair, Dave had been preparing for the race for months, by driving slowly behind Natalie Pray as she ran, just to study her form. Dave even ran a block, or two, himself, a few times. Each of these runs was followed by a two pack smoking jag. One pack for each lung. He also quit smoking three days before, which, as any Doctor will tell you, is PEE-LENTY of time to reverse decades of tar and nicotine damage.
At the end of the race, Dave was…..10th. 10th!!! He beat more than half of the runners! Including Captain Rogers and Lt Oglesby! Here’s to you Dave, the chain-smoking-coffee chugging-non-running-Natalie Pray fantasizing-guy’s hee-ee-ee-ro! Normally this would be proofread and emailed, but the story doesn’t stop here. Before a judgement could be handed down, a follow-up incident occurred.
Apparently the freshly oxygenated blood coursing through Dave’s brain set all kinds of gears to turning that had been clogged shut for years. When he realized how well he had done in the run, and who he had put a spankin’ on, his neurons started firing off all sorts of bad ideas. One that caught his fancy was,
“Hey, I just kicked Captain Roger’s ass at running! What else can I do to put the whoop-ass on him? I know, Golf! I’ve never golfed before, maybe I’ll play a little Wii golf at Natalie’s this weekend, just to get the basics, then kick Captain Mulligan’s butt at the Captain’s Cup!”
Verdict – Dave Kluth, the Court finds you Guilty of embarrassing your 20 to 30-something year old, young co-workers, who pride themselves on their physical fitness. Good-frickin-job, partner! You’re also found Guilty of Raising The Bar For Guys In Their 40’s. Way to go, asshole! (Thank God, I was almost 50)
Sentence – For embarrassing the 20-30-somethings, you will work, part-time, for Philip Morris as an ad campaign. After that, you will go to every elementary school between San Francisco and San Diego, on Physical Fitness day, and blow a puff of cigarette smoke into each kid’s face just before they start running. It’s for the children.
For raising the bar on the 40-somethings, your senior citizen discount is pushed back to your 75th birthday.
P.S. Dave never married Natalie. Dave MAY have gotten a sarcastic "good job" pat on the back from her after a spectacularly bad search warrant (that's another story), but years after this event, he did get married to somebody else, who will read this, since I accidentally emailed it to her. So, Dave will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and all of this week, because we ALLL know how jealous wives can get.
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