Case #24 - re The People vs Wayde Farrell (the survivalist)
In 1993, Deputy Farrell arrived home one cold December morning after a shift on graveyards and a 70 minute commute with the sunrise in his eyes. He was BEAT!!! He crawled into bed au natural, as his wife left for work, and thought,
“Mmmmmm, still warm from the wife’s body heat. If there hadn’t been so much damned traffic I might have got home in time to give her a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to keep her going through the day. Oh well, her loss.”
Just as sleep was overtaking him he remembered that he forgot to feed Shadow the dog. A brief silent debate began,
“Maaan, I gotta get dressed, walk downstairs into the garage, pour his food in the bowl, and shove the bowl out the side door of the garage, so the dog can eat, maaaaannnnn!”
Versus
“Fuck the dog!”
Being the soft-hearted guy that he is, the long argument won out over the short argument. Seeings as there was nobody else in the house, and it was an attached garage, he thought getting dressed would be a waste of time. So he ran downstairs naked, into the garage, poured the food in the bowl, while hopping from foot to foot, because the concrete floor was so cold, and shoved the bowl out the side door for the dog to eat. As he did this he realized that the garage’s cold floor was already making "Mr. Happy" shrink and made a mental note to buy some slippers during the Christmas sales.
As he grabbed the doorknob to the house to head up to his big comfy warm bed for some well earned, and much needed, sleep, he thought,
“This garage is like a refrigerator! I’ll be glad to crawl into my... WHAT THE FUCK!”
As he turned the doorknob, it didn’t. “Didn’t what?”, you ask? Didn’t turn. The son-of-a-bitch was locked! There he was, no key, no phone, no slippers, and no clothes! He hoped and prayed that his wife forgot something and would come home. She didn’t. He hoped and prayed that his wife would come home for lunch. She didn’t. He hoped and prayed that she wouldn’t go shopping after work. She did. Ten hours later she arrived to find him, barely alive, huddled next to the water heater, clasping a nervous dog for warmth.
Verdict – Wayde Farrell, this Court finds you Guilty of Suffering From Numbnuts.
You are found innocent of Bestiality. Cuddling is foreplay, and foreplay is a prelude to sex, but it is not sex.
Sentence – This Court orders the following, next time this situation arises, fuck the dog! And just so we are clear, by that I mean, just go to sleep and let the dog go hungry. But just in case you should violate that order, you are further ordered to keep the following in the garage;
1-A house key,
2-A sleeping bag,
3-A change of clothes,
4-A phone.
5-And a sufficient supply of whatever meds you are on.
In 1993, Deputy Farrell arrived home one cold December morning after a shift on graveyards and a 70 minute commute with the sunrise in his eyes. He was BEAT!!! He crawled into bed au natural, as his wife left for work, and thought,
“Mmmmmm, still warm from the wife’s body heat. If there hadn’t been so much damned traffic I might have got home in time to give her a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to keep her going through the day. Oh well, her loss.”
Just as sleep was overtaking him he remembered that he forgot to feed Shadow the dog. A brief silent debate began,
“Maaan, I gotta get dressed, walk downstairs into the garage, pour his food in the bowl, and shove the bowl out the side door of the garage, so the dog can eat, maaaaannnnn!”
Versus
“Fuck the dog!”
Being the soft-hearted guy that he is, the long argument won out over the short argument. Seeings as there was nobody else in the house, and it was an attached garage, he thought getting dressed would be a waste of time. So he ran downstairs naked, into the garage, poured the food in the bowl, while hopping from foot to foot, because the concrete floor was so cold, and shoved the bowl out the side door for the dog to eat. As he did this he realized that the garage’s cold floor was already making "Mr. Happy" shrink and made a mental note to buy some slippers during the Christmas sales.
As he grabbed the doorknob to the house to head up to his big comfy warm bed for some well earned, and much needed, sleep, he thought,
“This garage is like a refrigerator! I’ll be glad to crawl into my... WHAT THE FUCK!”
As he turned the doorknob, it didn’t. “Didn’t what?”, you ask? Didn’t turn. The son-of-a-bitch was locked! There he was, no key, no phone, no slippers, and no clothes! He hoped and prayed that his wife forgot something and would come home. She didn’t. He hoped and prayed that his wife would come home for lunch. She didn’t. He hoped and prayed that she wouldn’t go shopping after work. She did. Ten hours later she arrived to find him, barely alive, huddled next to the water heater, clasping a nervous dog for warmth.
It was so cold, even Shadow's tongue was blue
Verdict – Wayde Farrell, this Court finds you Guilty of Suffering From Numbnuts.
You are found innocent of Bestiality. Cuddling is foreplay, and foreplay is a prelude to sex, but it is not sex.
Sentence – This Court orders the following, next time this situation arises, fuck the dog! And just so we are clear, by that I mean, just go to sleep and let the dog go hungry. But just in case you should violate that order, you are further ordered to keep the following in the garage;
1-A house key,
2-A sleeping bag,
3-A change of clothes,
4-A phone.
5-And a sufficient supply of whatever meds you are on.
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