Case #37 - re The People vs Jeff Fleming & Lance Wulterin (The Fleming Juicer)
In the mid to late 90’s, I took part in the first, and only, departmental sponsored run of my career. The Cabrillo Beach Relay. The following events are true and undisputed by anyone. The witnesses for the prosecution are myself, Joey Haertsch, Steve Glass, Irvin Deroche, and in return for lenient sentences, Jeff Fleming and Lance Wulterin. The six of us were participating in the relay race. At the time of the incident we were all sitting in the bed of the chase truck eating oranges from a box in the middle of the truck bed. Joey, Jeff and I were sitting on the driver’s side of the truck bed. Irv and Steve were sitting on the passenger side of the truck bed. Lance was sitting in the truck bed right behind the passenger compartment glass.
Jeff stood up and began spinning one of his stories, while he finished an orange. Everyone was laughing and looking up at Jeff, when Joey reached behind Jeff to tap me on the shoulder. When I looked, Joey was wearing a big grin. He sneaked a peak up at Jeff to see if he was watching, saw Jeff wasn't, then showed me an orange slice and motioned for me to pull the back of Jeff’s shorts open. Having heard rumors about Jeff’s personal hygiene, I hesitated, but finally couldn’t resist the prank. I held my breath, pulled the back of Jeff’s shorts open and Joey shoved his arm out of sight up to his elbow. When his hand reappeared it no longer had the orange. I released Jeff’s shorts and both of us looked up at Jeff to watch his reaction. Nothing. He just kept talking. He continued talking for several more seconds with absolutely no indication that he knew, or cared, that someone had shoved a piece of fruit between his butt cheeks. As he continued talking, he nonchalantly reached back, and without pausing in his storytelling, pulled the orange slice out of his ass. He looked at it for a second, as he continued speaking. Then he looked down at Lance, looked back at the orange slice, looked back at Lance and, quick as a snake, he shoved that nasty orange into Lance’s open mouth.
Lance automatically jerked his head back. Then, unaware of where the orange had recently been stored, began contentedly chewing it. A couple of chews and the expression on his face gradually changed to one of utter disgust. Lance stopped chewing and reached up to his mouth. He slowly pulled the mangled orange out of his mouth and held it up to examine. It was just a regular slice of orange….with crusty butt hairs and dark particulate matter mixed in. And that is how the Fleming Juicer was invented.
Verdict – Jeff Fleming, this Court finds you Guilty of Serving Food Without A License.
Sentence – On the charge of Serving Food Without A License, this Court finds that it can be an unhealthy practice to screw with people who prepare food. With that in mind, the Court is prepared to offer you a deal, I’ll overlook this mild indiscretion, if you promise to stay the Hell away from my food. And Jeff, as a general health practice, wipe your ass after you take a dump... with toilet paper not pieces of citrus.
Verdict – Lance Wulterin, this Court finds you Guilty of Ignorance.
Sentence – On the charge of Ignorance, the following extenuating circumstances have been brought to my attention,
1- you were never that bright a guy to begin with and
2- Fleming trained you and
3- Fleming is a degenerate. He undoubtedly introduced you to Samantha Ross for a, "milk baptism" (Case #34), so,
4- you were probably accustomed to Jeff putting all kinds of disgusting things in your mouth. Therefore the Court will skip any punishment and, instead, issues the following orders,
1- have your teeth cleaned by a registered dental hygienist,
2- floss after every meal, twice if it was served by Jeff,
3- buy one of those tongue scraper thingys,
4- buy one of those water squirty thingys,
5- and use some breath mints boy, your breath smells like Jeff's butt crack!
In the mid to late 90’s, I took part in the first, and only, departmental sponsored run of my career. The Cabrillo Beach Relay. The following events are true and undisputed by anyone. The witnesses for the prosecution are myself, Joey Haertsch, Steve Glass, Irvin Deroche, and in return for lenient sentences, Jeff Fleming and Lance Wulterin. The six of us were participating in the relay race. At the time of the incident we were all sitting in the bed of the chase truck eating oranges from a box in the middle of the truck bed. Joey, Jeff and I were sitting on the driver’s side of the truck bed. Irv and Steve were sitting on the passenger side of the truck bed. Lance was sitting in the truck bed right behind the passenger compartment glass.
Jeff stood up and began spinning one of his stories, while he finished an orange. Everyone was laughing and looking up at Jeff, when Joey reached behind Jeff to tap me on the shoulder. When I looked, Joey was wearing a big grin. He sneaked a peak up at Jeff to see if he was watching, saw Jeff wasn't, then showed me an orange slice and motioned for me to pull the back of Jeff’s shorts open. Having heard rumors about Jeff’s personal hygiene, I hesitated, but finally couldn’t resist the prank. I held my breath, pulled the back of Jeff’s shorts open and Joey shoved his arm out of sight up to his elbow. When his hand reappeared it no longer had the orange. I released Jeff’s shorts and both of us looked up at Jeff to watch his reaction. Nothing. He just kept talking. He continued talking for several more seconds with absolutely no indication that he knew, or cared, that someone had shoved a piece of fruit between his butt cheeks. As he continued talking, he nonchalantly reached back, and without pausing in his storytelling, pulled the orange slice out of his ass. He looked at it for a second, as he continued speaking. Then he looked down at Lance, looked back at the orange slice, looked back at Lance and, quick as a snake, he shoved that nasty orange into Lance’s open mouth.
Lance automatically jerked his head back. Then, unaware of where the orange had recently been stored, began contentedly chewing it. A couple of chews and the expression on his face gradually changed to one of utter disgust. Lance stopped chewing and reached up to his mouth. He slowly pulled the mangled orange out of his mouth and held it up to examine. It was just a regular slice of orange….with crusty butt hairs and dark particulate matter mixed in. And that is how the Fleming Juicer was invented.
Verdict – Jeff Fleming, this Court finds you Guilty of Serving Food Without A License.
Sentence – On the charge of Serving Food Without A License, this Court finds that it can be an unhealthy practice to screw with people who prepare food. With that in mind, the Court is prepared to offer you a deal, I’ll overlook this mild indiscretion, if you promise to stay the Hell away from my food. And Jeff, as a general health practice, wipe your ass after you take a dump... with toilet paper not pieces of citrus.
Verdict – Lance Wulterin, this Court finds you Guilty of Ignorance.
Sentence – On the charge of Ignorance, the following extenuating circumstances have been brought to my attention,
1- you were never that bright a guy to begin with and
2- Fleming trained you and
3- Fleming is a degenerate. He undoubtedly introduced you to Samantha Ross for a, "milk baptism" (Case #34), so,
4- you were probably accustomed to Jeff putting all kinds of disgusting things in your mouth. Therefore the Court will skip any punishment and, instead, issues the following orders,
1- have your teeth cleaned by a registered dental hygienist,
2- floss after every meal, twice if it was served by Jeff,
3- buy one of those tongue scraper thingys,
4- buy one of those water squirty thingys,
5- and use some breath mints boy, your breath smells like Jeff's butt crack!
Awesome! My uncle George Ichikawa was Lances Dads T.O. @ LAPD.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea Lance's dad was an L.A.P.D. guy and I've known Lance for at least 25 years. I think this might be his least favorite story, but then, who knows what went on with Jeff as his T.O.? There could be worse stories, that I haven't heard.
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