Case #43 - re Louis Suazo, Warren Fairbanks, Eugene Gaines, Michael Perea, and Cliff Jones vs Each Other (What did the Chinese guy say when asked if he crashed his car? “Ahhh, no wrecks heah” (say it fast))
Case #43 - re Louis Suazo, Warren Fairbanks, Eugene Gaines, Michael Perea, and Cliff Jones vs Each Other (What did the Chinese guy say when the cop asked if he crashed his car? “Ahhh, no wrecks heah” (say it fast))
Several years ago, a few of the station fatties decided to have a contest to see who could lose the highest percentage of blubber. To make the contest interesting, they each put a hundred dollars into a “winner-take-all” kitty. There was Warren Fairbanks, Mike Perea, Eugene Gaines, Cliff Jones, and Louis Suazo. I understand there were some qualifying factors that contestants needed to meet in order to enter the contest.
1- If you always wear clean underwear, not so much out of a sense of personal hygiene, but more out of an ever increasing concern that if you bend over your pants might rip… you qualified.
2- If you ever called paramedics, because you were having sharp chest pains, and when the paramedics lifted one of your man-boobs to listen to your heart, a couple Doritos fell out causing the chest pains to stop… you qualified.
3- If you have to stop to catch your breath when you climb a set of stairs…at every step…you qualified.
4- If you run out of breath while tying your shoes…you qualified.
5- If you have your own moon…you qualified.
6- If you won’t go in the ocean, because a grey whale once tried to mate with you…you qualified. (or if you won’t go to Seaworld because Shamu gets wood when he sees you… you qualified.)
7- If you have caused an “All-You-Can-Eat” restaurant to go out of business… you qualified.
8- If it takes more than 1 cow to make your belt… you qualified.
9- If you unbutton the top button of your pants, when nobody’s around… you qualified.
10- If you haven’t seen Mr. Happy in the past 3 years without aid of a reflective surface… you qualified.
11- If all the swimmers suddenly find themselves in ankle deep water, when you get out of the pool… you qualified.
12- If nobody will ride an elevator with you… you qualified.
13- If you had the floor carpeted, because the tile floor makes your belly cold when you sit in a chair…you qualified.
14- If your wife/girlfriend always insists on being on top during sex… you qualified.
15 – If you ever thought, “Man, I sure could eat a few of those with mustard and relish!” when the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile drove by… you qualified.
16- If you ever won any kind of county fair eating contest… you qualified.
17- If, when you and your buddies are gathered watching, “Girls Gone Wild” and they start talking about “being able to go for some hair pie”, you enthusiastically agree…then go get your book titled, “1001 ways to cook a rabbit”… you qualified.
18- If you change your car shocks when you change your oil… you qualified.
19- If you’ve ever found that people were using you…. for shade… you qualified.
20- If you’ve ever woken up with a mountain climber’s piton in your belly… you qualified.
For some unexplained reason Greg "Oso" Martinez was not entered into the contest, even though all of the criteria for qualification were based on his life experiences.
So the contest gets under way and each contestant sets about winning it with his own personal strategy for weight loss. I understand Cliff Jones stuck with his diet until lunch time. Perea lasted a week. Warren Fairbanks says he stuck with his plan the whole way through. It’s rumored that Warren’s plan was to change absolutely nothing in his routine, except to take 1 green pill a day for 1 month, from a $159.99 bottle of 30 pills containing a ‘‘secret Chinese formula’’ for weight loss. Suazo and Gaines use similar strategies of cutting carbs and fat from their diets and also to begin working out. Suazo considered shaving his mustache for a quick 15 pound head start, but opted for a trim instead and immediately lost 5 pounds. Not fat pounds, but the immediate weight loss had a psychological effect on his opponents that proved difficult for them to overcome in the coming months.
In the end, the new kid on the block, Eugene Gaines, narrowly missed first place by half a Twinkie. Too bad, fat ass. Warren Fairbanks refuses to discuss the situation and launched a criminal investigation, accusing Suazo and the pill manufacturer of fraud.
And you know what the best thing about this case and the following verdicts is? These guys can't argue with me, because there's only one rule in Fat Club,
"YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FAT CLUB!"
Verdict – Louis Suazo, this Court finds you Guilty of Being The Biggest Loser! (no surprise there) Congratulations!
Award – The Court awards you the $500 dollar kitty… in happy meal dollars. Go have yourself a couple of hundred #3 Combo meals; you’ve earned ‘em, Slim.
Verdict – Warren Fairbanks, this Court finds you Guilty of Being The Sorest Loser.
Award – The Court awards you a box of Depends, ya big baby.
Verdict – Eugene Gaines, at first thought, 2nd place isn’t bad, until you try to name just one of all the people who have come in 2nd, in all the contests, in all of human history. Generally speaking, nobody, but their mothers remembers them. This Court finds you Guilty of Being Destined To Be Forgotten, but it was a good try… uhhhh…what’s your name again?
Award – What’s-Your-Name, the Court awards you a gallon container of Dreyer’s double fudge ice cream and a box of tissues for you to drown your sorrows in.
Verdict – Cliff Jones, and Michael Perea, you guys really didn’t do much so we’ll just let Suazo have your cash, warn you not to take part in such a stupid bet ever again, and call it a lesson learned. Now get out of those tight fitting slacks, put on some stretchy pants and go enter the food eating contest of your choice! I know you two probably thought that’s what you were entering in the first place.
Several years ago, a few of the station fatties decided to have a contest to see who could lose the highest percentage of blubber. To make the contest interesting, they each put a hundred dollars into a “winner-take-all” kitty. There was Warren Fairbanks, Mike Perea, Eugene Gaines, Cliff Jones, and Louis Suazo. I understand there were some qualifying factors that contestants needed to meet in order to enter the contest.
1- If you always wear clean underwear, not so much out of a sense of personal hygiene, but more out of an ever increasing concern that if you bend over your pants might rip… you qualified.
2- If you ever called paramedics, because you were having sharp chest pains, and when the paramedics lifted one of your man-boobs to listen to your heart, a couple Doritos fell out causing the chest pains to stop… you qualified.
3- If you have to stop to catch your breath when you climb a set of stairs…at every step…you qualified.
4- If you run out of breath while tying your shoes…you qualified.
5- If you have your own moon…you qualified.
6- If you won’t go in the ocean, because a grey whale once tried to mate with you…you qualified. (or if you won’t go to Seaworld because Shamu gets wood when he sees you… you qualified.)
7- If you have caused an “All-You-Can-Eat” restaurant to go out of business… you qualified.
8- If it takes more than 1 cow to make your belt… you qualified.
9- If you unbutton the top button of your pants, when nobody’s around… you qualified.
10- If you haven’t seen Mr. Happy in the past 3 years without aid of a reflective surface… you qualified.
11- If all the swimmers suddenly find themselves in ankle deep water, when you get out of the pool… you qualified.
12- If nobody will ride an elevator with you… you qualified.
13- If you had the floor carpeted, because the tile floor makes your belly cold when you sit in a chair…you qualified.
14- If your wife/girlfriend always insists on being on top during sex… you qualified.
15 – If you ever thought, “Man, I sure could eat a few of those with mustard and relish!” when the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile drove by… you qualified.
16- If you ever won any kind of county fair eating contest… you qualified.
17- If, when you and your buddies are gathered watching, “Girls Gone Wild” and they start talking about “being able to go for some hair pie”, you enthusiastically agree…then go get your book titled, “1001 ways to cook a rabbit”… you qualified.
18- If you change your car shocks when you change your oil… you qualified.
19- If you’ve ever found that people were using you…. for shade… you qualified.
20- If you’ve ever woken up with a mountain climber’s piton in your belly… you qualified.
For some unexplained reason Greg "Oso" Martinez was not entered into the contest, even though all of the criteria for qualification were based on his life experiences.
So the contest gets under way and each contestant sets about winning it with his own personal strategy for weight loss. I understand Cliff Jones stuck with his diet until lunch time. Perea lasted a week. Warren Fairbanks says he stuck with his plan the whole way through. It’s rumored that Warren’s plan was to change absolutely nothing in his routine, except to take 1 green pill a day for 1 month, from a $159.99 bottle of 30 pills containing a ‘‘secret Chinese formula’’ for weight loss. Suazo and Gaines use similar strategies of cutting carbs and fat from their diets and also to begin working out. Suazo considered shaving his mustache for a quick 15 pound head start, but opted for a trim instead and immediately lost 5 pounds. Not fat pounds, but the immediate weight loss had a psychological effect on his opponents that proved difficult for them to overcome in the coming months.
In the end, the new kid on the block, Eugene Gaines, narrowly missed first place by half a Twinkie. Too bad, fat ass. Warren Fairbanks refuses to discuss the situation and launched a criminal investigation, accusing Suazo and the pill manufacturer of fraud.
And you know what the best thing about this case and the following verdicts is? These guys can't argue with me, because there's only one rule in Fat Club,
"YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FAT CLUB!"
Verdict – Louis Suazo, this Court finds you Guilty of Being The Biggest Loser! (no surprise there) Congratulations!
Award – The Court awards you the $500 dollar kitty… in happy meal dollars. Go have yourself a couple of hundred #3 Combo meals; you’ve earned ‘em, Slim.
Verdict – Warren Fairbanks, this Court finds you Guilty of Being The Sorest Loser.
Award – The Court awards you a box of Depends, ya big baby.
Verdict – Eugene Gaines, at first thought, 2nd place isn’t bad, until you try to name just one of all the people who have come in 2nd, in all the contests, in all of human history. Generally speaking, nobody, but their mothers remembers them. This Court finds you Guilty of Being Destined To Be Forgotten, but it was a good try… uhhhh…what’s your name again?
Award – What’s-Your-Name, the Court awards you a gallon container of Dreyer’s double fudge ice cream and a box of tissues for you to drown your sorrows in.
Verdict – Cliff Jones, and Michael Perea, you guys really didn’t do much so we’ll just let Suazo have your cash, warn you not to take part in such a stupid bet ever again, and call it a lesson learned. Now get out of those tight fitting slacks, put on some stretchy pants and go enter the food eating contest of your choice! I know you two probably thought that’s what you were entering in the first place.
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