Case #57 - re The People vs "Mr. Smith" (Who says shit floats?)
("Mr Smith" has requested I keep his identity anonymous. Cry baby.)
Every year, the guys would get together for a 3-4 day river trip. I sometimes referred to these as "Gay old times on the river", because no women were allowed and the guys who went frequently wandered around, our secluded little camp, bare-ass naked. You never knew who you’d see walking around in the raw. It might be a guy with a 48” chest and a 32” waist, or a guy with a 48” waist and a 32” chest. That’s why we all stayed drunk, nobody wanted to remember the things we saw, and it’s why the smart ones didn’t wear sunglasses during the day. It gave you an excuse to keep your eyes closed and when you did have to open them, you could squint, so you'd see as little as possible.
One of the many river trip rituals was to take all the boats out into the middle of the river late at night, tie them together and get drunk…er. On one of those midnight river runs, many years ago, when "Mr. Smith" still knew what it was like to arrest people, all the boats were tied together in the middle of the lake and everyone was drinking and joking. Everyone was naked, another ritual. That’s why the smart ones wore sunglasses at night.
We’d been out there awhile when two things happened. The first thing to happen, was the guys who were sitting on the edges of the boat began periodically yelling out in surprise, jumping up and looking down into the dark water below where their asses had been hanging over. It was believed that the fish were splashing their asses.
It was about this time that "Spearhead" (who also wishes to remain anonymous) felt nature’s call. Since he was sitting on the edge of the boat anyway, he decided to just crap in the river. I mean, why not? In only supplies the drinking water to most of Arizona, Nevada and California! What could be the harm? What the hell, the carp seemed to be hungry anyway. So he concentrated, strained and out came his colon’s contents. Just as his sphincter snapped shut, he felt a splash of water on his ass. Not many people know this, but "Spearhead" has masters degrees in physics and math. "Spearhead" made some quick mental calculations involving mass, weight, distance, gravity, aerodynamics, wind speed, wind direction, the tension of freshwater at 68 degrees Fahrenheit, and came to the conclusion that his butt was splashed 3/10th’s of a second sooner than it should have been. He quickly snapped his head around and peered down at the water just in time to see "Mr. Smith’s" horrified expression disappearing into the inky depths, as it was chased into the darkness by "Spearhead’s" massive turd.
Verdict – "Mr. Smith"! This is America! In the good ole USA we use toilet paper! Soft, absorbent, one ply, two ply, three ply, scented, or unscented, good old fashioned paper! Or maybe even wet wipes. Little splashes of water are for French Canadians, Europeans, Arabs, the Japanese and Argentineans! This Court finds you Guilty of Imitating A Bidet, and I don’t want to hear any bullshit about, you were trying to kiss some ass. While ass-kissing is a time honored strategy for getting ahead, "Spearhead" was junior to you. So I’m flushing that excuse down the toilet…after I wipe my ass with some unscented 2 ply. Plus you were the Watch Deputy for Christ’s sake, and had been for the last decade! If you’re an ass-kisser, where has it gotten ya’? Anybody off training two weeks can be assigned as the Watch Deputy for cryin’ out loud!
Sentence – "Mr. Smith", you are sentenced to accompany Mike Poncedeleon and Mike Chacon into the bathroom stalls for the next 6 months, so you can see how a REAL man wipes his ass! ...or maybe doesn’t. You are also ordered to attend SEAL training down San Diego way, so you can learn to avoid any future depth charges.
Oh, and "Spearhead"? Eat some bran. It's supposed to float, not sink like an anchor from the U.S.S. Enterprise!
("Mr Smith" has requested I keep his identity anonymous. Cry baby.)
Every year, the guys would get together for a 3-4 day river trip. I sometimes referred to these as "Gay old times on the river", because no women were allowed and the guys who went frequently wandered around, our secluded little camp, bare-ass naked. You never knew who you’d see walking around in the raw. It might be a guy with a 48” chest and a 32” waist, or a guy with a 48” waist and a 32” chest. That’s why we all stayed drunk, nobody wanted to remember the things we saw, and it’s why the smart ones didn’t wear sunglasses during the day. It gave you an excuse to keep your eyes closed and when you did have to open them, you could squint, so you'd see as little as possible.
One of the many river trip rituals was to take all the boats out into the middle of the river late at night, tie them together and get drunk…er. On one of those midnight river runs, many years ago, when "Mr. Smith" still knew what it was like to arrest people, all the boats were tied together in the middle of the lake and everyone was drinking and joking. Everyone was naked, another ritual. That’s why the smart ones wore sunglasses at night.
We’d been out there awhile when two things happened. The first thing to happen, was the guys who were sitting on the edges of the boat began periodically yelling out in surprise, jumping up and looking down into the dark water below where their asses had been hanging over. It was believed that the fish were splashing their asses.
It was about this time that "Spearhead" (who also wishes to remain anonymous) felt nature’s call. Since he was sitting on the edge of the boat anyway, he decided to just crap in the river. I mean, why not? In only supplies the drinking water to most of Arizona, Nevada and California! What could be the harm? What the hell, the carp seemed to be hungry anyway. So he concentrated, strained and out came his colon’s contents. Just as his sphincter snapped shut, he felt a splash of water on his ass. Not many people know this, but "Spearhead" has masters degrees in physics and math. "Spearhead" made some quick mental calculations involving mass, weight, distance, gravity, aerodynamics, wind speed, wind direction, the tension of freshwater at 68 degrees Fahrenheit, and came to the conclusion that his butt was splashed 3/10th’s of a second sooner than it should have been. He quickly snapped his head around and peered down at the water just in time to see "Mr. Smith’s" horrified expression disappearing into the inky depths, as it was chased into the darkness by "Spearhead’s" massive turd.
Verdict – "Mr. Smith"! This is America! In the good ole USA we use toilet paper! Soft, absorbent, one ply, two ply, three ply, scented, or unscented, good old fashioned paper! Or maybe even wet wipes. Little splashes of water are for French Canadians, Europeans, Arabs, the Japanese and Argentineans! This Court finds you Guilty of Imitating A Bidet, and I don’t want to hear any bullshit about, you were trying to kiss some ass. While ass-kissing is a time honored strategy for getting ahead, "Spearhead" was junior to you. So I’m flushing that excuse down the toilet…after I wipe my ass with some unscented 2 ply. Plus you were the Watch Deputy for Christ’s sake, and had been for the last decade! If you’re an ass-kisser, where has it gotten ya’? Anybody off training two weeks can be assigned as the Watch Deputy for cryin’ out loud!
Sentence – "Mr. Smith", you are sentenced to accompany Mike Poncedeleon and Mike Chacon into the bathroom stalls for the next 6 months, so you can see how a REAL man wipes his ass! ...or maybe doesn’t. You are also ordered to attend SEAL training down San Diego way, so you can learn to avoid any future depth charges.
Oh, and "Spearhead"? Eat some bran. It's supposed to float, not sink like an anchor from the U.S.S. Enterprise!
Sounds like times best remembered drinking.
ReplyDeleteHahaha I love a good shit story!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI like to keep it classy.
Delete