The Retired Cop

Case #16 - The People vs Rick Kianpour (What do you get when you cross a Persian with a Mexican)      There once was a trainee named Kianpour (pronounced Key-ahn-poor, or something like that).  As part of the normal training ritual, trainee Kianpour was taken into the station detective bureau, to be introduced to the detectives.  When he was introduced to Detective Luis Nunez (the same Luis Nunez as in case #6), Detective Nunez repeated Kianpour’s last name in a thoughtful tone of voice.  He leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and put his feet up on his desk.  He looked up at the ceiling and repeated the name several times, slowly, as if mulling something over. “Kianpour, KIanpour, Ki-an-pour, Kianpour."  Detective Nunez finally brought his attention back to Kianpour. “Kianpour.  What kind of a name is that, Kianpour?” Kianpour puffed out his chest and declared proudly, “It’s PERSIAN, Sir!” “Ahhhh, Persian....

Case #15 - Mike Lantern vs Steve Williams (Mikey, your spelling bee word is, ‘‘TOW”)     I should have posted this last week in honor of Veteran's Day weekend.  Oh well, as they say in the military, "shit happens".      Before we get started let me explain something about the military to you draft dodging, flag burning, dope smoking, knee taking commies that went to college for a Liberal Arts degree, instead of serving your country.  The military thrives on acronyms and abbreviations.  Some examples; NORAD – North American Aerospace Defense Command SECDEF – Secretary of Defense MACVSOG – Military Assistance Command Vietnam Studies and Observation Group And of course the most recognized and unofficial military acronym; FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition The last example I am going to give and one that is pertinent to this story is; MOS (pronounced "Em Oh Ess", not "Moss")– Military Occupational Specialty the civilian translation of...

     Case #14 - re The People vs “18 of 22" (Lost in South Central )       Now, it's true that I sometimes let my imagination add a little something, or delete a little detail on some stories, but before you read this one, I want you to understand that there is not one bit of exaggeration in this story!  It would be impossible to exaggerate how bad this guy was.  He was an absolute moron!  If anything, I edited it WAY down because he was so repetitive in his stupidity!      Any Star Trek fans are probably familiar with the character “7 of 9” on one of the “Star Trek” offshoots.  If you're not, it's not that important... although she was pretty smokin'.  Long before that show came along, Carson Station had a trainee named “18 of 22”.  We acquired “18 of 22” when we took over the Marshall’s Office.  His real name has been deleted from the memory banks along with all the other useless information, like...

  Case #13 -  re The People vs Aaron Bartsch (Don’t spread your legs when you’re with 20 drunken men) (Photo)       Around twenty of us guys went on one of our three day, Carson Station EM shift river trips.  On one of the days we were loaded up in our boats and heading up the river.  We came to a narrow cove that’s pretty popular, because of a rock formation.   The rock formation that people like to “cliff dive” off of is near the mouth of the cove.  There are two places on the rock that people typically jump from.  One is about ten feet above the water, the other is about thirty feet above the water.  That's a little less than the platform dive at an Olymic size pool (the platform is the really wide board that doesn't bounce much). So there we were, climbing and jumping off this rock…and drinking.  Admittedly we knew about the rule about drinking and boating not mixing, and were violating that, but nobody ever to...

Case #12 -  re The People vs Rick Cocke #1 (a triple Cocketale) This story is in honor of today being Game 7 of the World Series  DODGERS vs astros      I worked with a few characters whose names will appear repeatedly in these stories, guys like Jeff Fleming, Luis Nunez, Louis Suazo and a few others.  Rick Cocke (pronounced like the soda pop) is one of these guys.  This is one of his stories.      Rick Cocke likes to play baseball although, by all accounts, he’s not very good.  He’s strong though, so he can whack the ball pretty good when he hits it, but he’s slow as a bear in winter... uh... that’s when they hibernate…get it?  During one game, Rick smacked that ball good.  The Bronx Bomber would have been proud.  Now, anyone else would have turned that crack into a home run, easy, but for Rick, that was a tough double.  Rick, however, decided to try to push his luck and go for a triple.  Now, Rick ne...