Case #38– The People vs Jane Doe (Girl’s rule )
For my readers who are unfamiliar with the various units on the L.A. Sheriif's Department, O.S.S. (Operation Safe Streets) is the departments gang investigation unit.
Back in about 2007, when that pretty boy, Eric Ehrhorn, bailed on O.S.S for the Park Enforcement Team, and abandoned his friends, forcing them to pick up his workloa….(What Eric? Ohhhhh, uh huh, uh huh, uhhhhhhhh huh, got it.)
When the well groomed Eric Ehrhorn was promoted from O.S.S to the Park Enforcement Team, and bade a fond farewell to the people who looked up to him there, they threw him a going away party. He promised to look in on them from time to time, and that they were to feel free to contact him anytime they needed his expertise on a case. (How’s that Eric?)
This put a lot of pressure on the O.S.S Sgt, Sgt Fred Reynolds, and on the station Captain. Who were they going to get to fill Eric’s high heeled shoes on the O.S.S. team? The obvious choice, Mike Chacon, who had been an O.S.S. investigator for several years in the 90's, was content to sleep away his remaining work years behind the IBIS, on Early Mornings. (It’s called the Radisson now, I mean the Hilton... what, again? Apparently it's now the DoubleTree.)
Another obvious choice, Wayde Farrell, was already putting in a 60 hour work week (20 hours uncompensated, and without detective pay) fighting graffiti anywhere it raised it’s ugly head. Everyone knows, graffiti is a gateway crime to gangs, so it just seems fair that he be an honorary member of O.S.S. anyway, but whatever, he doesn’t care.
A third obvious choice was Jorge Padilla, who actually wanted the job. By the way, Jorge, you are in America, so let’s quit with the Mexican pride crap and just call you George, okay? Or is the first name of the Father of our Country, not good enough for you? Not to mention the first name of the guy behind that wonderful food called peanut butter, mmmm mm! After all if Mexico is so frickin’ great, why is half the damn population living here and the other half trying to get here? Huh, GEORGE?
The other likely choice was Cliff Jones. For some reason, between 2005 and 2009, Cliff was the guy that the station relied on every time someone needed to talk on the radio. I don’t know if it’s because;
1. his was the only radio that worked, or
2. if it’s because everyone else had shit-for-brains, with brainwaves that flatlined in slightly-more-emergent-than-normal situations.
I tend to lean toward #2 as the reason (#2, shit-for-brains, get it? Well I guess if I have to explain the joke, it’s not really that funny; or the reader’s not that smart, because he has shit-for-brains.)
Both Cliff and George have put in their time, and are very well qualified and skilled at their jobs. Then there were the others. Those individuals who were either too new, or too inexperienced for anyone to think of them as serious candidates. Mike Gomez, Kim Mendoza and Jane Doe.
These are the interview transcripts;
George Padilla, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Well Sir, I’ve been at the station for 10 years now, So I’m familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve been a Training Officer for 3 years. I’ve arrested people for everything in the Penal Code, Health & Safety Code, Business and Professions Code, U.S. Title Code, Real Estate Code and any other code you can think of. I grew up in Wilmington, so I know the Hispanic gangs and customs very well, and I speak Spanish fluently.
Cliff Jones, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Well Sir, I’ve been on patrol for 10 years now, So I’m familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve worked the COP’s team and written several search warrants for guns and narcotics violations. I’ve arrested people for everything in the Penal Code, Health & Safety Code, Business and Professions Code, U.S. Title Code, Morse Code and any other code you can think of. I also have tattoos, and gang members relate to other guys with tattoos, especially tattoos on the neck. Some of the other applicants may have tattoos, but tramp stamps don’t count. Oh, and I speak Ebonics fluently. The real deal, not that MTV crap that idiot Guy Taylor spews.
Michael Gomez, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Uhhhh, well,,,let’s see Sir, I’ve been at the station forrrr…1…2… 3 years now, So I’m pretty familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve been on the Park Enforcement Team for almost a year now, so, I’m pretty familiar with the skateboarders.... OH! I got a couple guns when I was on training, I’ve arrested people for some dope, and a bunch of people for skateboarding in the skate park without their safety equipment. OH, and an ice cream vendor once! I could have had more, but my partner, Kim Guerrero, never wants to take them. I grew up in Wilmington, so I know the Hispanic gangs and customs very well, and I speak Spanish fluently. Oh and I've worked with Wayde Farrell and that guy really taught me a lot! I idolize that guy. He's great!
Kim Mendoza, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator"?
-- "Well I…are you going to eat that? Do you know how bad that is for you? It’s full of fillers and steroids and MSG, and transfatty acids, and cholesterol! The bad kind, not the good kind. It’s high in sugars and fats and artificial flavors, and there are studies that show it can give you a 30% higher chance of getting colon cancer…"
"UH, thank you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 70% higher chance of stroke, a 34% higher chance of toenail fungus, a 16% higher chance of…"
"Again, thank you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 63% higher chance of getting Irritable Bowel Syndrome…"
"That will be all. THANK you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 22% higher risk of getting into a motorcycle accident…"
"Interview’s over Deputy".
"… it doubles the risk of impotency…"
"Shift’s over. We’re leaving now…"
"…43% higher risk of male pattern baldness…
"Please turn out the lights when you leave".
"…9% higher risk of scurvy…"
"Bye-bye".
"…and a 17% higher risk genital warts. Where’d everybody go? Isn’t anybody going to ask me any questions? So, did I get the job? Hello? I'm calling my husband!"
"Jane Doe, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?"
-- "Uhhhh, well,,,let’s see, ummm, I’ve been at the station for, like…OHH MUH GAW-odd , it’s like, 3 years now! So I’m, like pretty familiar with some of the area gangs and, like, their territories and stuff like that? My boyfriend? Was on the PET team for, like almost a year, or two? So, like, I know where all the city parks are? I’ve, like, arrested people for dope warrants? Those guys were, like, so icky, uhg! And I got, like, a couple gun warrants? Those guys were like, soooo scary, eeewww! And, like a stolen car warrant once? I, like grew up in the Valley? (Well not really, but I wanted to) So, like I know the Malls rrreally well, and stuff. I speak English like, fluently? It’s like my native language practically? Ya know? Oh, OH, OH, and like I’ve been working this special no call unit? Where we like drive around Tortilla Flats, ya know? And we like try to catch the gang bangerrrs, ya know? And I’ve been doing that for like, foreverrrr, it’s like gonna be a month pretty soon! Oh, and I’ve got like, this killer bod…you can loo-ook, but no touchy, no, no, no. And I’m like so-ooo pretty, I’m like the hottest chick here! Well, that is until that girl in D.B got here, but she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway. And maybe that Janine Hanson girl? Everyone says she was a Laker’s cheerleader, but she wasn’t! But I think she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway. Or maybe that Raquel Sandoval? But she has kids, so she’s like married, or engaged, or something, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? Or maybe that Kim Mendoza? But she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? Or maybe that Violet McVay? But she’s going out with that bald guy from O.S.S? Wedel, I think his name is? Or maybe it's the other one? Anyway, it's the younger, cuter one, that's not shaped like a potato. So she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? I know that Wayde Farrell guy says that if you can touch them, they're real, but you can't think like that, my boobs are like real, real, and he's not touching my girls, believe you, me! Oh, and my butt’s way better than alllll of their’s. Plus, I think they all have butt implants".
Well the smart money was split between George and Cliff. Most of the station considered the other candidates to be so unqualified that it would be ridiculous to consider them. So who got picked? Well, it was Jane Doe.
Verdict – Deputy Doe, considering the spot you’re filling was temporarily filled by Mr. Sissy Fingers, who was filling it behind Eric Ehrhon, Who was preceded by Luis Trejo, it’s not like the bar has been set particularly high for ye’s! And what the hell, ye didn’t pick yerself, now did’ja? Instead of following the tradition set, when they hired Eric Ehrhohn and Luis Trejo, of hiring lads who act like girls, you actually are one! So, at least now there’ll be an excuse fer the O.S.S. trailer ta smell like a young woman’s boudoir. The Court finds ye Innocent! George, Cliff, I’m sure ye’ll do better when one of them thar feller spots opens up, but that won’t likely happen less’n Orpe, or Arias promote, or Wedel retires! Sorry. By the way, the smart money is on Wedel’s spot opening up first. He's got several more years til he retires, but them other fellers.... well they ain't exactly promotion material, if'n ye catch me drift. Oh, I fergot cher readin' this, I was tappin' on me coconut fer emphasis on that last sentence.
For my readers who are unfamiliar with the various units on the L.A. Sheriif's Department, O.S.S. (Operation Safe Streets) is the departments gang investigation unit.
Back in about 2007, when that pretty boy, Eric Ehrhorn, bailed on O.S.S for the Park Enforcement Team, and abandoned his friends, forcing them to pick up his workloa….(What Eric? Ohhhhh, uh huh, uh huh, uhhhhhhhh huh, got it.)
When the well groomed Eric Ehrhorn was promoted from O.S.S to the Park Enforcement Team, and bade a fond farewell to the people who looked up to him there, they threw him a going away party. He promised to look in on them from time to time, and that they were to feel free to contact him anytime they needed his expertise on a case. (How’s that Eric?)
This put a lot of pressure on the O.S.S Sgt, Sgt Fred Reynolds, and on the station Captain. Who were they going to get to fill Eric’s high heeled shoes on the O.S.S. team? The obvious choice, Mike Chacon, who had been an O.S.S. investigator for several years in the 90's, was content to sleep away his remaining work years behind the IBIS, on Early Mornings. (It’s called the Radisson now, I mean the Hilton... what, again? Apparently it's now the DoubleTree.)
Another obvious choice, Wayde Farrell, was already putting in a 60 hour work week (20 hours uncompensated, and without detective pay) fighting graffiti anywhere it raised it’s ugly head. Everyone knows, graffiti is a gateway crime to gangs, so it just seems fair that he be an honorary member of O.S.S. anyway, but whatever, he doesn’t care.
A third obvious choice was Jorge Padilla, who actually wanted the job. By the way, Jorge, you are in America, so let’s quit with the Mexican pride crap and just call you George, okay? Or is the first name of the Father of our Country, not good enough for you? Not to mention the first name of the guy behind that wonderful food called peanut butter, mmmm mm! After all if Mexico is so frickin’ great, why is half the damn population living here and the other half trying to get here? Huh, GEORGE?
The other likely choice was Cliff Jones. For some reason, between 2005 and 2009, Cliff was the guy that the station relied on every time someone needed to talk on the radio. I don’t know if it’s because;
1. his was the only radio that worked, or
2. if it’s because everyone else had shit-for-brains, with brainwaves that flatlined in slightly-more-emergent-than-normal situations.
I tend to lean toward #2 as the reason (#2, shit-for-brains, get it? Well I guess if I have to explain the joke, it’s not really that funny; or the reader’s not that smart, because he has shit-for-brains.)
Both Cliff and George have put in their time, and are very well qualified and skilled at their jobs. Then there were the others. Those individuals who were either too new, or too inexperienced for anyone to think of them as serious candidates. Mike Gomez, Kim Mendoza and Jane Doe.
These are the interview transcripts;
George Padilla, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Well Sir, I’ve been at the station for 10 years now, So I’m familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve been a Training Officer for 3 years. I’ve arrested people for everything in the Penal Code, Health & Safety Code, Business and Professions Code, U.S. Title Code, Real Estate Code and any other code you can think of. I grew up in Wilmington, so I know the Hispanic gangs and customs very well, and I speak Spanish fluently.
Cliff Jones, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Well Sir, I’ve been on patrol for 10 years now, So I’m familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve worked the COP’s team and written several search warrants for guns and narcotics violations. I’ve arrested people for everything in the Penal Code, Health & Safety Code, Business and Professions Code, U.S. Title Code, Morse Code and any other code you can think of. I also have tattoos, and gang members relate to other guys with tattoos, especially tattoos on the neck. Some of the other applicants may have tattoos, but tramp stamps don’t count. Oh, and I speak Ebonics fluently. The real deal, not that MTV crap that idiot Guy Taylor spews.
Michael Gomez, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?
-- Uhhhh, well,,,let’s see Sir, I’ve been at the station forrrr…1…2… 3 years now, So I’m pretty familiar with the area gangs and territories. I’ve been on the Park Enforcement Team for almost a year now, so, I’m pretty familiar with the skateboarders.... OH! I got a couple guns when I was on training, I’ve arrested people for some dope, and a bunch of people for skateboarding in the skate park without their safety equipment. OH, and an ice cream vendor once! I could have had more, but my partner, Kim Guerrero, never wants to take them. I grew up in Wilmington, so I know the Hispanic gangs and customs very well, and I speak Spanish fluently. Oh and I've worked with Wayde Farrell and that guy really taught me a lot! I idolize that guy. He's great!
Kim Mendoza, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator"?
-- "Well I…are you going to eat that? Do you know how bad that is for you? It’s full of fillers and steroids and MSG, and transfatty acids, and cholesterol! The bad kind, not the good kind. It’s high in sugars and fats and artificial flavors, and there are studies that show it can give you a 30% higher chance of getting colon cancer…"
"UH, thank you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 70% higher chance of stroke, a 34% higher chance of toenail fungus, a 16% higher chance of…"
"Again, thank you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 63% higher chance of getting Irritable Bowel Syndrome…"
"That will be all. THANK you, Deputy Mendoza".
"… a 22% higher risk of getting into a motorcycle accident…"
"Interview’s over Deputy".
"… it doubles the risk of impotency…"
"Shift’s over. We’re leaving now…"
"…43% higher risk of male pattern baldness…
"Please turn out the lights when you leave".
"…9% higher risk of scurvy…"
"Bye-bye".
"…and a 17% higher risk genital warts. Where’d everybody go? Isn’t anybody going to ask me any questions? So, did I get the job? Hello? I'm calling my husband!"
"Jane Doe, what do you have to offer as a Gang Investigator?"
-- "Uhhhh, well,,,let’s see, ummm, I’ve been at the station for, like…OHH MUH GAW-odd , it’s like, 3 years now! So I’m, like pretty familiar with some of the area gangs and, like, their territories and stuff like that? My boyfriend? Was on the PET team for, like almost a year, or two? So, like, I know where all the city parks are? I’ve, like, arrested people for dope warrants? Those guys were, like, so icky, uhg! And I got, like, a couple gun warrants? Those guys were like, soooo scary, eeewww! And, like a stolen car warrant once? I, like grew up in the Valley? (Well not really, but I wanted to) So, like I know the Malls rrreally well, and stuff. I speak English like, fluently? It’s like my native language practically? Ya know? Oh, OH, OH, and like I’ve been working this special no call unit? Where we like drive around Tortilla Flats, ya know? And we like try to catch the gang bangerrrs, ya know? And I’ve been doing that for like, foreverrrr, it’s like gonna be a month pretty soon! Oh, and I’ve got like, this killer bod…you can loo-ook, but no touchy, no, no, no. And I’m like so-ooo pretty, I’m like the hottest chick here! Well, that is until that girl in D.B got here, but she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway. And maybe that Janine Hanson girl? Everyone says she was a Laker’s cheerleader, but she wasn’t! But I think she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway. Or maybe that Raquel Sandoval? But she has kids, so she’s like married, or engaged, or something, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? Or maybe that Kim Mendoza? But she’s married, so she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? Or maybe that Violet McVay? But she’s going out with that bald guy from O.S.S? Wedel, I think his name is? Or maybe it's the other one? Anyway, it's the younger, cuter one, that's not shaped like a potato. So she doesn’t count; and I think her boobs are fake anyway? I know that Wayde Farrell guy says that if you can touch them, they're real, but you can't think like that, my boobs are like real, real, and he's not touching my girls, believe you, me! Oh, and my butt’s way better than alllll of their’s. Plus, I think they all have butt implants".
Well the smart money was split between George and Cliff. Most of the station considered the other candidates to be so unqualified that it would be ridiculous to consider them. So who got picked? Well, it was Jane Doe.
Verdict – Deputy Doe, considering the spot you’re filling was temporarily filled by Mr. Sissy Fingers, who was filling it behind Eric Ehrhon, Who was preceded by Luis Trejo, it’s not like the bar has been set particularly high for ye’s! And what the hell, ye didn’t pick yerself, now did’ja? Instead of following the tradition set, when they hired Eric Ehrhohn and Luis Trejo, of hiring lads who act like girls, you actually are one! So, at least now there’ll be an excuse fer the O.S.S. trailer ta smell like a young woman’s boudoir. The Court finds ye Innocent! George, Cliff, I’m sure ye’ll do better when one of them thar feller spots opens up, but that won’t likely happen less’n Orpe, or Arias promote, or Wedel retires! Sorry. By the way, the smart money is on Wedel’s spot opening up first. He's got several more years til he retires, but them other fellers.... well they ain't exactly promotion material, if'n ye catch me drift. Oh, I fergot cher readin' this, I was tappin' on me coconut fer emphasis on that last sentence.
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