Case #44 - The People vs Sarge (Alaska “Land of the Everlasting lyin’ Son-of-a-Bitch”)
In this particular case, the facts are disputed. Therefore the accused will only be identified as "Sarge". That may, or may not have been his rank at the time, but it flows better than Deputy and is easier to spell than the other ranks. The accused’s case will be presented first, by way of an e-mail he sent to the Carson Station scheduling office and which, somehow, found itself printed and in my station mailbox. Again, I can't say for certain, this email wasn't edited before it was printed and delivered to me, but it sounds genuine enough to me and that's what counts. The e-mail read as follows;
“Dear Greg (Greg Arnold) and Oso (Greg Martinez),
My vacation in Alaska may be extended a few days, as I have broken my leg. My wife and I were camping near Nome. In Alaska “near” translates to, “within 300 miles of”. We were hiking and came upon a full grown male grizzly bear. Luckily, the bear’s attention was fully involved with a large salmon that he was munching on, so we saw him before he saw us. As we started to back away, my wife stepped on a twig which, unfortunately, snapped loudly. The bear looked up and saw us immediately. We remained still for a moment, in the hope that the bear would just go back to eating and ignore us. He didn’t. He charged us. We had a hill behind us and I knew there was no way we were going to outrun that bear uphill. I told my wife to run and stepped in front of her. I had my .45, but until you see a full grown grizzly charging you at full speed, you don’t really appreciate how small the slug from a .45 really is. I started firing, aiming at the bear's head. I was down to my last round and the bear was only about 50 feet away. I knew I was dead and I remember praying the bear would be busy batting my corpse around long enough for my wife to get to the Land Rover. I fired my last shot and bent to grab a rock.
You’ll never believe this, that bear slid up to my boots, dead! My last shot hit him in the left eye, entering his brain, killing him instantly! I was shaking so badly, I couldn’t believe I was alive. The Alaskan Fish & Game Department is giving me a hassle about the bear. They say they understand I shot it in self-defense, but it looks like they aren’t going to let me keep it as a trophy, because I shot it out of season. Can you believe that? These guys are real tools!
Well, see you in about a week,
Sarge
P.S. Oso, quit looking at porno and get back to work!
A few days later, this official e-mail arrived from the Alaskan Department of Fish & Game. Their e-mail reads as follows (again, there is always the slight possibility that somebody tampered with this email, prior to printing it and giving it to me);
“To the Captain of the Carson Sheriff Station,
Please be advised that our personnel had a very negative contact with one of your personnel. Sgt *** *** was found drunk in a field outside of one of our local Inuit villages. He apparently drove there in the hope that he would be able to see, in his words, “…a real Eskimo strip club. ” He was verbally abusive to the local elder and was directed out of town. He was found by one of my officers who was responding to a call of a woman possibly being raped. He found your sergeant, sprawled on the ground, drunk, with a broken leg. He apparently slipped in a large pile of bird guano. As my officer tried to render aid to your sergeant, your sergeant became verbally abusive to my officer, demanding , in his words, “Hey Eskimo Joe, take me to the caribou show!” When my officer asked your sergeant what he was referring to, your sergeant said, and I quote, “You know, like the donkey show in T.J., but with antlers!” Your Sergeant has been sentenced to one week in jail for disorderly conduct and he will be placed on the first flight to Los Angeles when he is released. I would have expected a little more professionalism from an organization such as yours.
Sincerely,
Chief Lakwit
Alaska Fish & Game”
Your humble Dispenser of Truth and Justice then made a follow-up call to the Inuit witness, one Mr Nyuk...or Nyuk-Nyuk. I’m still not sure if Nyuk is his first name and his last name, or if Nyuk-Nyuk is one name, and, if it is one name, is it is first name? If that’s the case, what’s his last name? Or, is it his last name, and, if that’s the case what’s his first name? Or does he only have the one name, like Cher? Maybe he was just clearing his throat and never gave his name, at any rate this is what he told me;
“I, Nyuk-Nyuk, was contacted by the White man, Mr. Sarge. Mr. Sarge say to Nyuk-Nyuk, “My wife shopping. I bored. I have much wampum and want to know where to go to see some boobies and beaver.” Nyuk-Nyuk ask Mr. Sarge what wampum is. Mr. Sarge show Nyuk-Nyuk wad of U.S. currency. Nyuk-Nyuk not impressed. Look like Mr. Sarge have thick roll of one dollar bills with fifty on the outside. Anyway, Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge that in Alaska that called cash money, or, "simoleans". Mr. Sarge say “Oh.”
Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge go to “Boobies Rock”. Mr. Sarge ask directions. Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge to take main road north 5 miles out of town, when see dirt path, go east 2 mile and there will see plenty boobies. Mr. Sarge ask if he see BIG boobies there, Mr. Sarge say he like big boobies. Nyuk-Nyuk say, "All kind boobies there, big boobies, little boobies and boobies in between". Then Mr. Sarge ask,
“Are they real or fake?”
This make Nyuk-Nyuk chuckle. Nyuk-Nyuk say, "Of course boobies real! This Alaska, not museum". Then Mr. Sarge ask,
“Bear?”
To which, Nyuk-Nyuk laugh and say,
“Of course, always bear! Also ptarmigan.”
Mr. Sarge say he already have jacket, and he no wear sweater, sweater for girls. I don’t know what Mr. Sarge mean. Then Mr. Sarge ask if beaver clean and I say,
“Beaver might have some flea in summer and smell musky, but pretty clean. Tasty too.”
Mr. Sarge say,
“Well, that clean enough for me, Homeboy! Bear, boobies and beaver, I can't wait!”
Nyuk-Nyuk hear of Gameboy, but don’t know what Homeboy is.
Then Mr. Sarge ask if beaver shaved. Him say him sometimes like smooth beaver.
I tell Mr. Sarge,
“Maybe California beaver no have hair, but this Alaska. Get cold in Alaska. Too cold for beaver with no fur.”
Mr. Sarge say, "No biggie,...", him also like hairy beaver. Him say, him like ‘70’s style.
Two hour later, Nyuk-Nyuk get call from cousin Tuk-Tuk who work for Fish and Game. Tuk-Tuk tell Nyuk-Nyuk Mr. Sarge injured. Nyuk-Nyuk think,
“So? Why call Nyuk-Nyuk? Does Tuk-Tuk call and tell Mr. Sarge, Nyuk-Nyuk injured, when Nyuk-Nyuk slide off road, crash car and break arm last year?”
Nyuk-Nyuk think not, but Nyuk-Nyuk say,
“Oh.”
Then Tuk-Tuk say, Mr. Sarge say, Nyuk-Nyuk say, Mr. Sarge find strip bar at Booby Rock. Then Nyuk-Nyuk tell Tuk-Tuk, Mr. Sarge tell Tuk-Tuk big fat lie. Then Tuk-Tuk ask Nyuk-Nyuk what Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge. Nyuk-Nyuk tell Tuk-Tuk that Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge that there plenty bear, boobies, beaver and ptarmigan at Booby Rock. Then Tuk-Tuk say to Nyuk-Nyuk,
“Hmmmm, maybe Tuk-Tuk arrest Mr. Sarge for lie to Tuk-Tuk about cousin Nyuck-Nyuck.”
The Court then contacted Officer Tuk-Tuk of the Alaskan Fish & Game Department. Officer Tuk-Tuk told the Court the following,
“I, Tuk-Tuk, respond to call for help. Tuk-Tuk ask dispatcher,
“What kind help needed?” Dispatcher say to Tuk-Tuk, “Call made from cell phone by screaming woman and hard to understand, possibly her getting pee-pee her no want". Dispatcher say to Tuk-Tuk, "Roll mush-mush!” That police code for Tuk-Tuk turn on lights and sirens and drive snow sled fast. When Tuk-Tuk arrive scene, Tuk-Tuk hear woman crying on other side of Boobies Rock. Tuk-Tuk go to other side of rock, Tuk-Tuk have to kick stupid boobies out of way. When Tuk-Tuk get to other side of rock, Tuk-Tuk no see woman. Tuk-Tuk see White man, Mr. Sarge lying down, crying like woman. Nooooo, he cry more like little girl. Tuk-Tuk ask,
“What wrong White man?”
Mr. Sarge say him look for strip bar called Boobies Rock. Him say cousin Nyuk-Nyuk tell him about strip bar. Tuk-Tuk call cousin Nyuk-Nyuk on cell phone and ask if this story true. Nyuk-Nyuk say to Tuk-Tuk,
"White man speak with forked tongue.”,…that mean lie.
Then I see Mr. Sarge have broke leg. Tuk-Tuk ask Mr. Sarge how him break leg. Mr. Sarge say, him look for strip bar and hear noise in woods. Him look and see 10’ tall grizzly bear. Bear see him. Mr. Sarge try run, but slip and fall in big pile, bird doo-doo. Mr. Sarge know him cannot run from bear with broke leg, so, him close eyes and play dead, like on TV show. Bear come and Mr. Sarge feel bear’s hot breath on cheek and feel bear poking chest, but Mr. Sarge keep eyes closed tight and play dead. Him say, very hard not to scream from pain of broke leg, but him say he very brave. Eventually bear leave and not eat him. I, Tuk-Tuk, look for bear, but find no sign of bear. Only marmoset tracks coming from woods, leading to Mr. Sarge and marmoset tracks in snow on Mr. Sarge chest. Mr. Sarge shirt pocket torn open and bag of trail mix scattered on ground around him. Mr. Sarge ask Tuk-Tuk to stay with bear story when Mr Sarge’s wife come. Tuk-Tuk agree. Professional courtesy, you know?
Case closed.
Verdict – Sarge, the Court will leave the judgement up to a jury of your peers. I can’t wait to hear the verdicts.
-
Alaskan boobies
California boobies
In this particular case, the facts are disputed. Therefore the accused will only be identified as "Sarge". That may, or may not have been his rank at the time, but it flows better than Deputy and is easier to spell than the other ranks. The accused’s case will be presented first, by way of an e-mail he sent to the Carson Station scheduling office and which, somehow, found itself printed and in my station mailbox. Again, I can't say for certain, this email wasn't edited before it was printed and delivered to me, but it sounds genuine enough to me and that's what counts. The e-mail read as follows;
“Dear Greg (Greg Arnold) and Oso (Greg Martinez),
My vacation in Alaska may be extended a few days, as I have broken my leg. My wife and I were camping near Nome. In Alaska “near” translates to, “within 300 miles of”. We were hiking and came upon a full grown male grizzly bear. Luckily, the bear’s attention was fully involved with a large salmon that he was munching on, so we saw him before he saw us. As we started to back away, my wife stepped on a twig which, unfortunately, snapped loudly. The bear looked up and saw us immediately. We remained still for a moment, in the hope that the bear would just go back to eating and ignore us. He didn’t. He charged us. We had a hill behind us and I knew there was no way we were going to outrun that bear uphill. I told my wife to run and stepped in front of her. I had my .45, but until you see a full grown grizzly charging you at full speed, you don’t really appreciate how small the slug from a .45 really is. I started firing, aiming at the bear's head. I was down to my last round and the bear was only about 50 feet away. I knew I was dead and I remember praying the bear would be busy batting my corpse around long enough for my wife to get to the Land Rover. I fired my last shot and bent to grab a rock.
You’ll never believe this, that bear slid up to my boots, dead! My last shot hit him in the left eye, entering his brain, killing him instantly! I was shaking so badly, I couldn’t believe I was alive. The Alaskan Fish & Game Department is giving me a hassle about the bear. They say they understand I shot it in self-defense, but it looks like they aren’t going to let me keep it as a trophy, because I shot it out of season. Can you believe that? These guys are real tools!
Well, see you in about a week,
Sarge
P.S. Oso, quit looking at porno and get back to work!
A few days later, this official e-mail arrived from the Alaskan Department of Fish & Game. Their e-mail reads as follows (again, there is always the slight possibility that somebody tampered with this email, prior to printing it and giving it to me);
“To the Captain of the Carson Sheriff Station,
Please be advised that our personnel had a very negative contact with one of your personnel. Sgt *** *** was found drunk in a field outside of one of our local Inuit villages. He apparently drove there in the hope that he would be able to see, in his words, “…a real Eskimo strip club. ” He was verbally abusive to the local elder and was directed out of town. He was found by one of my officers who was responding to a call of a woman possibly being raped. He found your sergeant, sprawled on the ground, drunk, with a broken leg. He apparently slipped in a large pile of bird guano. As my officer tried to render aid to your sergeant, your sergeant became verbally abusive to my officer, demanding , in his words, “Hey Eskimo Joe, take me to the caribou show!” When my officer asked your sergeant what he was referring to, your sergeant said, and I quote, “You know, like the donkey show in T.J., but with antlers!” Your Sergeant has been sentenced to one week in jail for disorderly conduct and he will be placed on the first flight to Los Angeles when he is released. I would have expected a little more professionalism from an organization such as yours.
Sincerely,
Chief Lakwit
Alaska Fish & Game”
Your humble Dispenser of Truth and Justice then made a follow-up call to the Inuit witness, one Mr Nyuk...or Nyuk-Nyuk. I’m still not sure if Nyuk is his first name and his last name, or if Nyuk-Nyuk is one name, and, if it is one name, is it is first name? If that’s the case, what’s his last name? Or, is it his last name, and, if that’s the case what’s his first name? Or does he only have the one name, like Cher? Maybe he was just clearing his throat and never gave his name, at any rate this is what he told me;
“I, Nyuk-Nyuk, was contacted by the White man, Mr. Sarge. Mr. Sarge say to Nyuk-Nyuk, “My wife shopping. I bored. I have much wampum and want to know where to go to see some boobies and beaver.” Nyuk-Nyuk ask Mr. Sarge what wampum is. Mr. Sarge show Nyuk-Nyuk wad of U.S. currency. Nyuk-Nyuk not impressed. Look like Mr. Sarge have thick roll of one dollar bills with fifty on the outside. Anyway, Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge that in Alaska that called cash money, or, "simoleans". Mr. Sarge say “Oh.”
Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge go to “Boobies Rock”. Mr. Sarge ask directions. Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge to take main road north 5 miles out of town, when see dirt path, go east 2 mile and there will see plenty boobies. Mr. Sarge ask if he see BIG boobies there, Mr. Sarge say he like big boobies. Nyuk-Nyuk say, "All kind boobies there, big boobies, little boobies and boobies in between". Then Mr. Sarge ask,
“Are they real or fake?”
This make Nyuk-Nyuk chuckle. Nyuk-Nyuk say, "Of course boobies real! This Alaska, not museum". Then Mr. Sarge ask,
“Bear?”
To which, Nyuk-Nyuk laugh and say,
“Of course, always bear! Also ptarmigan.”
Mr. Sarge say he already have jacket, and he no wear sweater, sweater for girls. I don’t know what Mr. Sarge mean. Then Mr. Sarge ask if beaver clean and I say,
“Beaver might have some flea in summer and smell musky, but pretty clean. Tasty too.”
Mr. Sarge say,
“Well, that clean enough for me, Homeboy! Bear, boobies and beaver, I can't wait!”
Nyuk-Nyuk hear of Gameboy, but don’t know what Homeboy is.
Then Mr. Sarge ask if beaver shaved. Him say him sometimes like smooth beaver.
I tell Mr. Sarge,
“Maybe California beaver no have hair, but this Alaska. Get cold in Alaska. Too cold for beaver with no fur.”
Mr. Sarge say, "No biggie,...", him also like hairy beaver. Him say, him like ‘70’s style.
Two hour later, Nyuk-Nyuk get call from cousin Tuk-Tuk who work for Fish and Game. Tuk-Tuk tell Nyuk-Nyuk Mr. Sarge injured. Nyuk-Nyuk think,
“So? Why call Nyuk-Nyuk? Does Tuk-Tuk call and tell Mr. Sarge, Nyuk-Nyuk injured, when Nyuk-Nyuk slide off road, crash car and break arm last year?”
Nyuk-Nyuk think not, but Nyuk-Nyuk say,
“Oh.”
Then Tuk-Tuk say, Mr. Sarge say, Nyuk-Nyuk say, Mr. Sarge find strip bar at Booby Rock. Then Nyuk-Nyuk tell Tuk-Tuk, Mr. Sarge tell Tuk-Tuk big fat lie. Then Tuk-Tuk ask Nyuk-Nyuk what Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge. Nyuk-Nyuk tell Tuk-Tuk that Nyuk-Nyuk tell Mr. Sarge that there plenty bear, boobies, beaver and ptarmigan at Booby Rock. Then Tuk-Tuk say to Nyuk-Nyuk,
“Hmmmm, maybe Tuk-Tuk arrest Mr. Sarge for lie to Tuk-Tuk about cousin Nyuck-Nyuck.”
The Court then contacted Officer Tuk-Tuk of the Alaskan Fish & Game Department. Officer Tuk-Tuk told the Court the following,
“I, Tuk-Tuk, respond to call for help. Tuk-Tuk ask dispatcher,
“What kind help needed?” Dispatcher say to Tuk-Tuk, “Call made from cell phone by screaming woman and hard to understand, possibly her getting pee-pee her no want". Dispatcher say to Tuk-Tuk, "Roll mush-mush!” That police code for Tuk-Tuk turn on lights and sirens and drive snow sled fast. When Tuk-Tuk arrive scene, Tuk-Tuk hear woman crying on other side of Boobies Rock. Tuk-Tuk go to other side of rock, Tuk-Tuk have to kick stupid boobies out of way. When Tuk-Tuk get to other side of rock, Tuk-Tuk no see woman. Tuk-Tuk see White man, Mr. Sarge lying down, crying like woman. Nooooo, he cry more like little girl. Tuk-Tuk ask,
“What wrong White man?”
Mr. Sarge say him look for strip bar called Boobies Rock. Him say cousin Nyuk-Nyuk tell him about strip bar. Tuk-Tuk call cousin Nyuk-Nyuk on cell phone and ask if this story true. Nyuk-Nyuk say to Tuk-Tuk,
"White man speak with forked tongue.”,…that mean lie.
Then I see Mr. Sarge have broke leg. Tuk-Tuk ask Mr. Sarge how him break leg. Mr. Sarge say, him look for strip bar and hear noise in woods. Him look and see 10’ tall grizzly bear. Bear see him. Mr. Sarge try run, but slip and fall in big pile, bird doo-doo. Mr. Sarge know him cannot run from bear with broke leg, so, him close eyes and play dead, like on TV show. Bear come and Mr. Sarge feel bear’s hot breath on cheek and feel bear poking chest, but Mr. Sarge keep eyes closed tight and play dead. Him say, very hard not to scream from pain of broke leg, but him say he very brave. Eventually bear leave and not eat him. I, Tuk-Tuk, look for bear, but find no sign of bear. Only marmoset tracks coming from woods, leading to Mr. Sarge and marmoset tracks in snow on Mr. Sarge chest. Mr. Sarge shirt pocket torn open and bag of trail mix scattered on ground around him. Mr. Sarge ask Tuk-Tuk to stay with bear story when Mr Sarge’s wife come. Tuk-Tuk agree. Professional courtesy, you know?
Case closed.
Verdict – Sarge, the Court will leave the judgement up to a jury of your peers. I can’t wait to hear the verdicts.
-
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