The Retired Cop

Case #23 re The People vs the D.A. #1 (ya gots ta articulate cho sef)      Judge Mountain was hearing a rape case.  The Judge and victim were Black, the District Attorney was white.  The D.A. was questioning the victim, trying to establish the elements of the crime of rape.   Judge Mountain listened, with the right right side of his face propped against the palm of his right hand, and his left arm sprawled across his desk, tapping his gavel handle with his index finger. “Miss Johnson, did the Defendant penetrate your vagina with his penis?”, the D.A. asked. The victim's mouth dropped open slightly and she stared at the D.A. in silence for a couple of seconds, as if he were an alien life form, “The Deewhaaat?”, she replied. “Did the Defendant penetrate your vagina with his penis?”, the D.A. repeated, slowly enunciating his syllables. (The judge slowly closed his eyes and exhaled) the victim hesitated again, before replying, “...Pene…...

Case #22 – The People vs Jeff Fleming and Luis Nunez (so two cops, a crackhead and the Devil are walking down the street....)       Before I get into this story, I'm going to explain something about the L.A. Sheriff's department.  People often ask, "What's the difference between sheriff's and police?"  I usually say, the county, any county, is divided up into incorporated areas called cities, and unincorporated areas.  Cities have a city council, and a mayor and are responsible for providing certain things to their citizens like law enforcement services (The City Police Department) and fire services (the City Fire Department).  In the unincorporated areas, decisions are made by the Board of Supervisors and they provide fire (the County Fire Department) and law enforcement services (the County Sheriff's Office or Department) to the inhabitants of the unincorporated areas of the county.  In Los Angeles and Orange Counties incorporated cities ...

Case #21 - The People vs Steve Williams (what do you get when you cross methamphetamine with wayde farrell) In 1991, I was working with my little unlucky charm, Steve Williams.  We were working unit 169 in the Torrance strip.  I don't recall if it was Day shift or PM shift, but it was still light out when we stopped a well known car thief and methamphetamine seller/user named Carl Kotke. Carl was with some other White guy in a beat up old truck.  Boring part of the story, short, Steve and I ended up arresting Carl and his pal for possession for sales of methamphetamine.  They had a sandwich baggie stuffed full of freshly made meth.  THAT'S a nice hook!  It was so fresh, it hadn't been dried out yet and if you tilted the baggie to the side, the fluids would collect in the lower corner.  So we slapped it high and transported our two felony suspects and our evidence to the station.  Steve was the driver, so he got to book the suspects, book t...

Case #20-  re The People vs Rick Cocke and Mike Chacon (The Fog of War)      One day in 1991, Rick Cocke and Mike Chacon were working together on day shift and their shift was over.  They were in Carson station's report writing room filling out their log, before heading downstairs to change.  In the oncoming PM shift, Michelle Downey and "Downtown" Eddie Brown were scheduled to be partners.  Rick had been wanting to retaliate against Eddie for something Eddie had done to him when Rick was on training.  Now Rick was off training and it was payback time.      Prior to the start of his shift, Rick had stopped off at a place he knew and purchased some stink bombs.  For the uninitiated, stink bombs are small containers of ammonium sulfide.  When they are popped, the ammonium sulfide mixes with the moisture in the air,  and creates a mixture of ammonia and hydrogen sulfide gas.  We all know ammonia has a sharp, ver...

Case #19 - re The People vs Leroy Baca (Oh, If You See Kay)      The other day, My Little Lotus Blossom reminded me for the 25th time in the previous month’s time, that she wanted me to clean my work papers out of the garage.  I responded for the 25th time, in the previous month’s time, “Okay Princess, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Imagine my surprise when, instead of the usual, “Hmmph, you bettah, G.I.!”, followed by her I-mean-business look, and stomp-off out of the room, she screeched, “YOU BEEN SAY DAT FO, FO WEEK NOW! I SICK AN' TIAH, HE YOU ALL TIME SAY, YOU DO TOMORROW, YOU DO TOMORROW! YOU DO NOW, YOU HE ME, GAW-DAM-IH!"      WHOA!  Ayyy-parently, my little Tokyo Rose was on her you-know-what.  Ahhh, the wonders of a married man’s life.  I wonder what kind of mood she’s in today? I wonder what she bought today?  I wonder what she’s pissed off about now? I wonder why I’m paying for a pool boy and we don’t have a pool?  ...

Case #18  -re The People vs The D.A.'s office #1 (Wow, so many lawyer jokes, so little time.  And by "lawyer jokes" I mean actual lawyers, not, "What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?") My first federal lawsuit can be directly attributed to an assistant district attorney's geographical ignorance.      In about 1989, when I was still a new boot,  I was working the early mornings shift (10:00 P.M. to 6:00 A.M.).  It was the very first day I was issued a handheld radio.  Prior to this date, we only had the car radio.  Around 1:00 A.M. I got a call of a "beer run" at the "7-11" on Avalon Boulevard and Victoria Street.  A "beer run" is when somebody goes into a liquor store, grabs the alcoholic beverage of his choice, and runs out without paying.  The suspect was obviously gone, when I got there, but the clerk had the guy on videotape AND he got the guy's license plate.  I ran the plate and it came ba...

Case #17 - The People vs The Baker-To-Vegas Wannabes  (Smokin’ the competition)      Back in 2006 Carson, had their Baker-to-Vegas qualifier run.  Baker-to-Vegas is a big deal!  Aspiring runners train for months, just hoping to make the team.  22 of the “in-shape” folks were at the qualifier.  Among them were, Joe Corrales, Mark Bosckovich, The Captain, Gary, “Ooooooh Baby Girl” Ross, Lt Oglesby, Miguel Medina, Belen Wilkins, and Dave Kluth……DAVE KLUTH?  Yes, Dave Kluth.  Uhhhh, is this the same death-warmed-over looking Dave Kluth, who chain-smokes five packs a day, and washes every other nicotine, tar and arsenic laden batch of smoke down with a swig of caffeine laden coffee, forty-sumthin' years old, Dave Kluth?   Yup.      He was the little train smoker that could, the little train smoker that just kept chug-chug-chugging a cup of coffee along.  For the entire 6.5 miles, one little tune kept running ...

Case #16 - The People vs Rick Kianpour (What do you get when you cross a Persian with a Mexican)      There once was a trainee named Kianpour (pronounced Key-ahn-poor, or something like that).  As part of the normal training ritual, trainee Kianpour was taken into the station detective bureau, to be introduced to the detectives.  When he was introduced to Detective Luis Nunez (the same Luis Nunez as in case #6), Detective Nunez repeated Kianpour’s last name in a thoughtful tone of voice.  He leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and put his feet up on his desk.  He looked up at the ceiling and repeated the name several times, slowly, as if mulling something over. “Kianpour, KIanpour, Ki-an-pour, Kianpour."  Detective Nunez finally brought his attention back to Kianpour. “Kianpour.  What kind of a name is that, Kianpour?” Kianpour puffed out his chest and declared proudly, “It’s PERSIAN, Sir!” “Ahhhh, Persian....

Case #15 - Mike Lantern vs Steve Williams (Mikey, your spelling bee word is, ‘‘TOW”)     I should have posted this last week in honor of Veteran's Day weekend.  Oh well, as they say in the military, "shit happens".      Before we get started let me explain something about the military to you draft dodging, flag burning, dope smoking, knee taking commies that went to college for a Liberal Arts degree, instead of serving your country.  The military thrives on acronyms and abbreviations.  Some examples; NORAD – North American Aerospace Defense Command SECDEF – Secretary of Defense MACVSOG – Military Assistance Command Vietnam Studies and Observation Group And of course the most recognized and unofficial military acronym; FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition The last example I am going to give and one that is pertinent to this story is; MOS (pronounced "Em Oh Ess", not "Moss")– Military Occupational Specialty the civilian translation of...

     Case #14 - re The People vs “18 of 22" (Lost in South Central )       Now, it's true that I sometimes let my imagination add a little something, or delete a little detail on some stories, but before you read this one, I want you to understand that there is not one bit of exaggeration in this story!  It would be impossible to exaggerate how bad this guy was.  He was an absolute moron!  If anything, I edited it WAY down because he was so repetitive in his stupidity!      Any Star Trek fans are probably familiar with the character “7 of 9” on one of the “Star Trek” offshoots.  If you're not, it's not that important... although she was pretty smokin'.  Long before that show came along, Carson Station had a trainee named “18 of 22”.  We acquired “18 of 22” when we took over the Marshall’s Office.  His real name has been deleted from the memory banks along with all the other useless information, like...