Case #25 - re The People vs Australia (an assessment of the Down Under from the Up Top)
Jon Brick and I were working together on Earlies (the Graveyard Shift) in unit 169.
It was Jon's first day back from a two week vacation. As we drove along in the dark, looking for somebody to arrest, I asked him what he did during his vacation.
"OH! I went to see Mike, a surfing buddy of mine, in Australia!"
"You went to fuckin' Australia?", I asked in amazement.
"No. I went to surf in Australia, but there was some of that too.", he replied, smiling.
It took me a second to catch that, before I started laughing.
"So, how was it?... The surfing I mean."
"It was great! Nice swells everyday, and not a lot of people competing for spots in the lineup."
"You see any Great White sharks?"
"No." he said laughingly.
I'd like to go there someday, but it seems like everything down in Australia is the deadliest, most poisonous, most aggressive creature of its kind."
John laughed, then thoughtfully said,
"Ya know... Australians ARE kind of weird. They seem to take a great deal of pride in the fact that they have all these deadly creatures on, and around, their country."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Take my friend for instance. EV-ER-Y time we'd be walking through some long grass, OR jungly area, OR desert area, OR the beach, he'd start spouting off about it."
At this point Jon switched to a passable Australian accent,
"Wotch year stape Jeonny-boy! This hea's gareen snike country. I kin feel 'em oll obout."
I started laughing as he switched briefly back to his normal speech and said, "Or.."
"Ay Jeonny, Ye gots ta watch ye' step 'roun' heah. This is brown raycluse tear-it-torry."
John switched back to his regular speech, "And just what in the fuck is a burown raycluse?"
He switched back to his Australian accent, "Wots the burown raycluse? Ye-ou must be jeoking! The burown raycluse is ooown-ly the DAY-dliest spida' on the playnit! One bite 'n' ye'll be dayd befo' ye kin tyke thu-ree braiths! OH! In ye needs ta keep an eye out fer blue bails in the whoatah heah too!"
In his normal speech, Jon asked,
"And just WHAT in the FUCK is a blue bell?"
"DOn' Cha know ineethang? Blue bails ah the DAYDliest jaileefish in the seven seas, Jeeyon!
"Uh-huh, yeah, ya knoooow, I've been down here to see you four times. And EV-ER-Y time I come here, you start regaling me with tales about all of these DEADLY creatures. And ya know what? I. Haven't. Seen. A single. One. Not One."
After we stopped snickering, I got to thinking, " Who in the FUCK would want to live in a place populated with all those deadly critters?" Then it hit me, "What if all these stories about all these deadly Australian creatures are all made up?" As we drove a few blocks, and I thought about it, what at first was just an idle notion for a joke, began to make more and more sense! So, I brought it up to Jon.
"So, you've been to Australia four times and you've NEVER seen one of these deadly creatures for yourself?"
"Nope!"
"Ya know,..." I said, "... my dad was in Australia in 1956 for the Olympics. He said he never saw one of these deadly things either. In fact, he said he never even HEARD of most of them until the last few years watching T.V."
"Reeeeeally?", Jon asked.
"Yeah."
There were a few moments of silence in the car, as we both considered that, before I said,
"What if they're makin' it all up?"
"Making what up?"
"All the stories about all these deadly creatures!"
"Why would they do that?"
"To keep the tourists from movin' there and drivin' the real estate prices up."
"But they get a lot of money from the tourist trade. Why would they make up stories about deadly creatures that would scare tourists away?"
"That's the genius of it! They DON'T scare tourists away! They only scare potential foreign HOME buyers away!"
"What? How the heck would that work?"
"Look... my dad was there in 1956 and the only deadly thing down there he heard about were sharks and crocodiles. Well we have sharks here in the U.S., so that wasn't a big deal, so REALLY, the only thing Australia had on us, were the crocodiles, and several of our States have alligators, which are pretty much just small crocodiles, so that's not really a big deal either. It's certainly not going to be a deal breaker for anybody looking to move from the U.S. to Australia. As the decades roll by, we start hearing about more and more of these dangerous Australian animals. Suddenly everyone starts hearing about Australia's deadly snakes. Well we have rattlesnakes, coral snakes and copperheads. So, that's not going to stop anyone from moving from the U.S. to Australia. Then they have the brown recluse spider! Again, not a deal breaker, 'cause we have the black widow." Then, not only do they have all these deadly animals, but SUDDENLY they're the world's DEADLIEST spiders, snakes and what-have-yous! And THAT my friend, becomes the deal breaker. Because people will go for a week, or two's, vacation and come back thinking how lucky they were not to have been attacked, but they aren't going to push the envelope and live there full time!"
Jon looked up as he thought about it and slowly started to nod in agreement.
"I see... so overtime... they get the world used to the idea that there are all these deadly animals in Australia..."
"Yeah, but the key was to do it slowly, so as not to interfere with the tourist trade.."
"Yeah, and then all these tourists come back to their home countries talking about what a great time they had and when asked, none of them can say they saw a snake, or a spider, or whatever, maybe if they took a tour they saw a crocodile, or went scuba diving they saw a shark, but you'll see a shark in any water you scuba dive...", Jon was seeing the plan now.
"Exactly! So they get the excitement of having gone to this place where all these 'DAAAANGEROUS' creatures live and they had a great time, and think how lucky they were to have survived a trip to this 'dangerous' place, but in reality, it was a trip to Disneyland, because there were no dangerous creatures! Or almost none. It's all made up!"
"Like Bigfoot!"
"EXFUCKINZACTLY! So they get the tourist dollars that tourists bring, but they don't get the rising housing costs, that foreign home buyers bring!"
"Brilliant!"
"Fuckin' A it is!"
"How'd you figure that out?"
"First off, I'm betting that the rise in press about these deadly creatures, coincides with the rise in tourism. Tourism goes up a certain number of points and the tourism board alerts the government. They check with the housing market and if prices are starting to rise due to foreign buyers, then it's time to trot out a new DEADLY creature discovery, or amp up the deadliness of an old one. Secondly, when you said your Australian friend referred to the so-called DEADLIEST jellyfish in the world as a 'blue bell". Come-the-fuck-on! How is anybody going to give something THAT deadly such a ridiculously harmless name? Now, they're just trying to push the envelope of believability! Next thing you know their going to parade out a cockatoo with dyed feathers as their latest and deadliest creature find, or one of those cute little marsupials and claim it's a poisonous wombat, with long ears called, 'the snuggle bunny'. You watch, they're gonna start going over the top with this stuff pretty soon!"
Jon nodded and started a made up conversation with his alternating Australian/American accent;
"I can see the locals at the pub now. They're all drinking pints and playing darts and having a good old time, then some tourist walks in and they all start talking about the deadly non-existent creatures."
"Oi Yank! Ye see this heah scah? Goat it frem a dink-dink."
"What the fuck is a dink-dink?"
"Ah ye jeokin' mate? A dink-dink is the most venomous 'keet' in the whirl'!"
"What the fuck is a keet?"
"Oh, I fergot, you Yanks call'm pair-e-keets."
"WHAT! You guys have poisonous parakeets?"
"OHH yeeeeah! Thay'a like flyin' rats 'roun' heah. Bettah watch yersef Yank."
"Thanks for the tip."
"No worries! How 'bout a pint fer me troubles?"
"SURE!"
Jon continued, "When the tourist leaves, somebody watches them through the curtains until they drive off, then they turn and say,
"The fornah's gawn!'
and one guy turns to the guy with the scar and says,
"Oi! Bill! 'ow did you git thait scah inywise?"
"This lil scraitch? The wife threw a plite at me, when I fergot 'er buthdie laist month."
"OI! I took sim fornahs out on my Croc Twoer. I were jis point'n at half submudjed logs an yailn' "OI! THAY'S A GIANT CROC OVA THAYA!', in they must've shot ite rolls a film."
"Then they all start bursting out in laughter.", Jon concluded
As we were laughing, we spotted a guy breaking into a car and arrested him.
VERDICT - The court finds Australia innocent of Fraud. Apparently, you do have all these deadly critters running around Down Under on the Giant-Ass Island of Dr. Moreau. On the other hand, you're found Guilty of violating the United Nations Imaginary and **Fantastical Species Act of 1972, which states that "No country can lay claim to more than two imaginary, or fantastical creatures. (**In this case "Fantastical" is defined as being from the realm of fantasy.)
SENTENCE - Australia has enough Fantastic creatures to populate six entirely new Harry Potter AND Star Wars episodes! From now on, ANY new claims regarding one of your critters being the "DAY-dliest" will have to be verified by outside investigators. You're also ordered to spread the wealth, so you'll be needin' to ship one of those wallabies, one of those platypus and a couple of them quokkas to the judge (that would be me)... oh yeah, and a wombat... and a koalla or two. That should do it. For those of you who are interested, here is a partial list of Australia's fantastic creatures;
- the echidna. This is like a porcupine, with a pointy nose, that lays eggs. A mammal that lays EGGS!
- the platypus. This animal is straight out of the Harry Potter universe. It's a cross between a duck, an otter and a beaver and it lays eggs too! Oh and of course, being from Australia, it has venomous ankle spurs. So far they aren't deadly to humans, only very painful. But wait for the next rise in housing prices, then suddenly it will be "the DAYDLIEST maymmal on the pilanet!"
- the sugar-glider. Like a REALLY cute flying mouse... with a pouch. Harry Potter written all over it.
- the wombat. A real life, cute, stuffed animal with a pouch.
- the koala. A real life, cute, teddy bear with a pouch.
- the kangaroo. A giant sized, cute, two legged rabbit, that can kick box, and has a pouch.
- the tree kangaroo. A miniature, and even cuter, tree climbing kangaroo.
- the wallaby. A miniature, and even cuter, kangaroo. The wallaby, the tree kangaroo and the full size kangaroo could all be put in appropriate sized armor, or clothing, and be placed in the Star Wars cantina scene, or fighting Imperial storm troopers with Jar Jar Binks and Chewbacca.
- the quokka. A miniature, and even cuter, wallaby. This thing is Harry Potter critter cute.
- the quoll. kind of a cross between a cute rat and a not-so-cute ferret, with a pouch.
- the opossum. Pretty much the same as it's American cousin.
- the brush-tail possum. Who knew there was a difference between an opossum and a possum? Nobody in the U. S., I can tell you that! We use both pronunciations for our one, and only, American marsupial. The less likely you are to see it on your dinner plate, the more likely you are to call it an opossum. Well in Australia, a POSSUM is way cuter than the opossum, in either country. And of course, both have pouches.
- the honey possum. Like a cute mouse, with a pouch, but it feeds on nectar and pollen. A marsupial bee, if you will.
- the Tasmanian devil. The cute Australian version of a badger, with a pouch.
- the thylacine. Currently believed to be extinct. Picture a cross between a wolf and a jaguar, with stripes on the hind end, the jaw opening capability of a possum and, of course, a pouch.
- the bettong. Kind of a cross between a cute rat and a kangaroo, about the size of a rabbit, with a pouch.
- the dunnart. Like a mouse with big eyes and a pouch
- the antechinus. Like a shrew, but with a pouch.
- the bandicoot. Like a shrew, but sometimes as big as a rabbit and sometimes with big-ass ears and always with a pouch
- the woylie. Like a rat with a pouch
- the potoroo. Like a rabbit-sized rat with a pouch.
- the blue ringed octopus. It doesn't have a pouch and it may not be exactly cuddly, but it is pretty cool looking.
- the irukandji. Definitely NOT on the cuddly list, but again, pretty cool looking.
- various cockatoos - Come on! Talking birds with that ability to raise the feathers on their heads? If that doesn't cry Star Wars, I don't know what does.
- the emu. Like an ostrich, but a little smaller.
Jon Brick and I were working together on Earlies (the Graveyard Shift) in unit 169.
It was Jon's first day back from a two week vacation. As we drove along in the dark, looking for somebody to arrest, I asked him what he did during his vacation.
"OH! I went to see Mike, a surfing buddy of mine, in Australia!"
"You went to fuckin' Australia?", I asked in amazement.
"No. I went to surf in Australia, but there was some of that too.", he replied, smiling.
It took me a second to catch that, before I started laughing.
"So, how was it?... The surfing I mean."
"It was great! Nice swells everyday, and not a lot of people competing for spots in the lineup."
"You see any Great White sharks?"
"No." he said laughingly.
I'd like to go there someday, but it seems like everything down in Australia is the deadliest, most poisonous, most aggressive creature of its kind."
John laughed, then thoughtfully said,
"Ya know... Australians ARE kind of weird. They seem to take a great deal of pride in the fact that they have all these deadly creatures on, and around, their country."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Take my friend for instance. EV-ER-Y time we'd be walking through some long grass, OR jungly area, OR desert area, OR the beach, he'd start spouting off about it."
At this point Jon switched to a passable Australian accent,
"Wotch year stape Jeonny-boy! This hea's gareen snike country. I kin feel 'em oll obout."
I started laughing as he switched briefly back to his normal speech and said, "Or.."
"Ay Jeonny, Ye gots ta watch ye' step 'roun' heah. This is brown raycluse tear-it-torry."
John switched back to his regular speech, "And just what in the fuck is a burown raycluse?"
He switched back to his Australian accent, "Wots the burown raycluse? Ye-ou must be jeoking! The burown raycluse is ooown-ly the DAY-dliest spida' on the playnit! One bite 'n' ye'll be dayd befo' ye kin tyke thu-ree braiths! OH! In ye needs ta keep an eye out fer blue bails in the whoatah heah too!"
In his normal speech, Jon asked,
"And just WHAT in the FUCK is a blue bell?"
"DOn' Cha know ineethang? Blue bails ah the DAYDliest jaileefish in the seven seas, Jeeyon!
"Uh-huh, yeah, ya knoooow, I've been down here to see you four times. And EV-ER-Y time I come here, you start regaling me with tales about all of these DEADLY creatures. And ya know what? I. Haven't. Seen. A single. One. Not One."
After we stopped snickering, I got to thinking, " Who in the FUCK would want to live in a place populated with all those deadly critters?" Then it hit me, "What if all these stories about all these deadly Australian creatures are all made up?" As we drove a few blocks, and I thought about it, what at first was just an idle notion for a joke, began to make more and more sense! So, I brought it up to Jon.
"So, you've been to Australia four times and you've NEVER seen one of these deadly creatures for yourself?"
"Nope!"
"Ya know,..." I said, "... my dad was in Australia in 1956 for the Olympics. He said he never saw one of these deadly things either. In fact, he said he never even HEARD of most of them until the last few years watching T.V."
"Reeeeeally?", Jon asked.
"Yeah."
There were a few moments of silence in the car, as we both considered that, before I said,
"What if they're makin' it all up?"
"Making what up?"
"All the stories about all these deadly creatures!"
"Why would they do that?"
"To keep the tourists from movin' there and drivin' the real estate prices up."
"But they get a lot of money from the tourist trade. Why would they make up stories about deadly creatures that would scare tourists away?"
"That's the genius of it! They DON'T scare tourists away! They only scare potential foreign HOME buyers away!"
"What? How the heck would that work?"
"Look... my dad was there in 1956 and the only deadly thing down there he heard about were sharks and crocodiles. Well we have sharks here in the U.S., so that wasn't a big deal, so REALLY, the only thing Australia had on us, were the crocodiles, and several of our States have alligators, which are pretty much just small crocodiles, so that's not really a big deal either. It's certainly not going to be a deal breaker for anybody looking to move from the U.S. to Australia. As the decades roll by, we start hearing about more and more of these dangerous Australian animals. Suddenly everyone starts hearing about Australia's deadly snakes. Well we have rattlesnakes, coral snakes and copperheads. So, that's not going to stop anyone from moving from the U.S. to Australia. Then they have the brown recluse spider! Again, not a deal breaker, 'cause we have the black widow." Then, not only do they have all these deadly animals, but SUDDENLY they're the world's DEADLIEST spiders, snakes and what-have-yous! And THAT my friend, becomes the deal breaker. Because people will go for a week, or two's, vacation and come back thinking how lucky they were not to have been attacked, but they aren't going to push the envelope and live there full time!"
Jon looked up as he thought about it and slowly started to nod in agreement.
"I see... so overtime... they get the world used to the idea that there are all these deadly animals in Australia..."
"Yeah, but the key was to do it slowly, so as not to interfere with the tourist trade.."
"Yeah, and then all these tourists come back to their home countries talking about what a great time they had and when asked, none of them can say they saw a snake, or a spider, or whatever, maybe if they took a tour they saw a crocodile, or went scuba diving they saw a shark, but you'll see a shark in any water you scuba dive...", Jon was seeing the plan now.
"Exactly! So they get the excitement of having gone to this place where all these 'DAAAANGEROUS' creatures live and they had a great time, and think how lucky they were to have survived a trip to this 'dangerous' place, but in reality, it was a trip to Disneyland, because there were no dangerous creatures! Or almost none. It's all made up!"
"Like Bigfoot!"
"EXFUCKINZACTLY! So they get the tourist dollars that tourists bring, but they don't get the rising housing costs, that foreign home buyers bring!"
"Brilliant!"
"Fuckin' A it is!"
"How'd you figure that out?"
"First off, I'm betting that the rise in press about these deadly creatures, coincides with the rise in tourism. Tourism goes up a certain number of points and the tourism board alerts the government. They check with the housing market and if prices are starting to rise due to foreign buyers, then it's time to trot out a new DEADLY creature discovery, or amp up the deadliness of an old one. Secondly, when you said your Australian friend referred to the so-called DEADLIEST jellyfish in the world as a 'blue bell". Come-the-fuck-on! How is anybody going to give something THAT deadly such a ridiculously harmless name? Now, they're just trying to push the envelope of believability! Next thing you know their going to parade out a cockatoo with dyed feathers as their latest and deadliest creature find, or one of those cute little marsupials and claim it's a poisonous wombat, with long ears called, 'the snuggle bunny'. You watch, they're gonna start going over the top with this stuff pretty soon!"
Jon nodded and started a made up conversation with his alternating Australian/American accent;
"I can see the locals at the pub now. They're all drinking pints and playing darts and having a good old time, then some tourist walks in and they all start talking about the deadly non-existent creatures."
"Oi Yank! Ye see this heah scah? Goat it frem a dink-dink."
"What the fuck is a dink-dink?"
"Ah ye jeokin' mate? A dink-dink is the most venomous 'keet' in the whirl'!"
"What the fuck is a keet?"
"Oh, I fergot, you Yanks call'm pair-e-keets."
"WHAT! You guys have poisonous parakeets?"
"OHH yeeeeah! Thay'a like flyin' rats 'roun' heah. Bettah watch yersef Yank."
"Thanks for the tip."
"No worries! How 'bout a pint fer me troubles?"
"SURE!"
Jon continued, "When the tourist leaves, somebody watches them through the curtains until they drive off, then they turn and say,
"The fornah's gawn!'
and one guy turns to the guy with the scar and says,
"Oi! Bill! 'ow did you git thait scah inywise?"
"This lil scraitch? The wife threw a plite at me, when I fergot 'er buthdie laist month."
"OI! I took sim fornahs out on my Croc Twoer. I were jis point'n at half submudjed logs an yailn' "OI! THAY'S A GIANT CROC OVA THAYA!', in they must've shot ite rolls a film."
"Then they all start bursting out in laughter.", Jon concluded
As we were laughing, we spotted a guy breaking into a car and arrested him.
VERDICT - The court finds Australia innocent of Fraud. Apparently, you do have all these deadly critters running around Down Under on the Giant-Ass Island of Dr. Moreau. On the other hand, you're found Guilty of violating the United Nations Imaginary and **Fantastical Species Act of 1972, which states that "No country can lay claim to more than two imaginary, or fantastical creatures. (**In this case "Fantastical" is defined as being from the realm of fantasy.)
SENTENCE - Australia has enough Fantastic creatures to populate six entirely new Harry Potter AND Star Wars episodes! From now on, ANY new claims regarding one of your critters being the "DAY-dliest" will have to be verified by outside investigators. You're also ordered to spread the wealth, so you'll be needin' to ship one of those wallabies, one of those platypus and a couple of them quokkas to the judge (that would be me)... oh yeah, and a wombat... and a koalla or two. That should do it. For those of you who are interested, here is a partial list of Australia's fantastic creatures;
- the echidna. This is like a porcupine, with a pointy nose, that lays eggs. A mammal that lays EGGS!
- the platypus. This animal is straight out of the Harry Potter universe. It's a cross between a duck, an otter and a beaver and it lays eggs too! Oh and of course, being from Australia, it has venomous ankle spurs. So far they aren't deadly to humans, only very painful. But wait for the next rise in housing prices, then suddenly it will be "the DAYDLIEST maymmal on the pilanet!"
- the sugar-glider. Like a REALLY cute flying mouse... with a pouch. Harry Potter written all over it.
- the wombat. A real life, cute, stuffed animal with a pouch.
- the koala. A real life, cute, teddy bear with a pouch.
- the kangaroo. A giant sized, cute, two legged rabbit, that can kick box, and has a pouch.
- the tree kangaroo. A miniature, and even cuter, tree climbing kangaroo.
- the wallaby. A miniature, and even cuter, kangaroo. The wallaby, the tree kangaroo and the full size kangaroo could all be put in appropriate sized armor, or clothing, and be placed in the Star Wars cantina scene, or fighting Imperial storm troopers with Jar Jar Binks and Chewbacca.
- the quokka. A miniature, and even cuter, wallaby. This thing is Harry Potter critter cute.
- the quoll. kind of a cross between a cute rat and a not-so-cute ferret, with a pouch.
- the opossum. Pretty much the same as it's American cousin.
- the brush-tail possum. Who knew there was a difference between an opossum and a possum? Nobody in the U. S., I can tell you that! We use both pronunciations for our one, and only, American marsupial. The less likely you are to see it on your dinner plate, the more likely you are to call it an opossum. Well in Australia, a POSSUM is way cuter than the opossum, in either country. And of course, both have pouches.
- the honey possum. Like a cute mouse, with a pouch, but it feeds on nectar and pollen. A marsupial bee, if you will.
- the Tasmanian devil. The cute Australian version of a badger, with a pouch.
- the thylacine. Currently believed to be extinct. Picture a cross between a wolf and a jaguar, with stripes on the hind end, the jaw opening capability of a possum and, of course, a pouch.
- the bettong. Kind of a cross between a cute rat and a kangaroo, about the size of a rabbit, with a pouch.
- the dunnart. Like a mouse with big eyes and a pouch
- the antechinus. Like a shrew, but with a pouch.
- the bandicoot. Like a shrew, but sometimes as big as a rabbit and sometimes with big-ass ears and always with a pouch
- the woylie. Like a rat with a pouch
- the potoroo. Like a rabbit-sized rat with a pouch.
- the blue ringed octopus. It doesn't have a pouch and it may not be exactly cuddly, but it is pretty cool looking.
- the irukandji. Definitely NOT on the cuddly list, but again, pretty cool looking.
- various cockatoos - Come on! Talking birds with that ability to raise the feathers on their heads? If that doesn't cry Star Wars, I don't know what does.
- the emu. Like an ostrich, but a little smaller.
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