Case #26 - re The People vs Useless (Pucker up)

Case #26 - re The People vs Useless (Pucker up)

     I changed the name on this subject, so as not to give him any credit.  The fact that he is useless should be apparent to anyone that has ever, or will ever, work with him. I'll just refer to him by my nickname for him, "Useless".  Actually his nickname was, "Fuckin' Useless", but I'll just call him, "Useless" for short.  Besides, cops of my generation usually refer to each other by last name anyway. 

     In all my time at Carson station (at that point, 17 years), I have rarely seen a bigger kiss-off artist than "Useless".  He’d been off-training almost a year at the time of this story and he’d earned quite a reputation.  It had reached the point where my blood pressure rose as soon as I saw that pencil thin mustache of his.  I didn’t even know why they assigned calls for service to him, everyone knew he never handled them!  We’ll take the last three calls of his that I was privileged to attend.  The first was a graffiti call at Dolphin Park.  I got to work and drove through Dolphin Park as part of my routine patrol.  I saw some new graffiti on some cement tables and some of the buildings.  Big, wide, 3’ black letters.  I asked the Park Director if a report had been taken.  She said "Useless" had come out, but didn’t take a report.  He gave her the old,
 “Here’s the tag number”, routine and left it for me to write.

    For those who don't know what a tag number is.  Every day at midnight the tag numbers restart at 1.  All calls for service, and all observational log entries are given a tag number.  So if there are 100 calls for service, 100 traffic stops, 100 pedestrian stops, 100 citizen flag downs for help and 100 miscellaneous station details, there would have been 500 tags issued that day.  But a tag is not a report number.  Lazy cops have a tendency to blow people off who want a report taken, by giving them the tag number of the call.  If the person finds out that the tag number is not an actual report number (like when they try to notify their insurance, or call the station detectives for follow-up), they call the station to complain and ANOTHER deputy has to go out and take the report, because the first asshole has usually gone home by that time.  When deputies did that to me, I generally chewed them a new asshole when I saw them. Sometimes I would give them the information they needed and tell them to write their own fuckin' report and to put a copy in my box, so I knew they did it.

    In the second instance, "Useless" had a burglary in progress call.  The call described two suspects and stated, they had broken into the victim’s car and were trying to break into the victim’s house.  About six units rolled, Froi Dinco and I handled the coordination, when it became apparent that "Useless" wasn’t going to. The two suspects, one of whom was on parole, were detained, before "Useless" arrived at the scene… last.

     During the investigation, a stolen motorhome was found in front of the victim’s home.  After about 20 minutes, it was determined that the "burglary" was actually a dispute over money between tweakers, but the parolee had, in fact, broken into the victim’s car via the window.  After about 20 more minutes of investigation, and coincidentally about 3 minutes after the Field Sgt had left the scene, our intrepid crime fighter determined that there was nothing to arrest for and left the scene, and the stolen motorhome, behind.  His rationale, when I asked, being,
"The call was for a burglary, not a stolen vehicle recovery".
I called the field sergeant back who called "Useless" back, who called for a tow and recovered the stolen vehicle.

In our third and final example, Steve Sather and I were flagged down by the park staff at Calas Park and directed to the office.  There we were introduced to a non-English speaking Mexican woman and her 5 year old son, both wearing pajamas.  The woman’s husband had punched and choked her, then threatened to kill their son if she contacted the cops.  After about 5 minutes of interviewing her and seeing the bruises on her face and neck, "Useless" showed up.  The look on his face told us he was as surprised to see us as we were to see him.  The park employee explained that she had called the station, before she saw us.

     I didn’t know if "Useless" was the handling unit, or the assisting unit assigned to the call, but I explained the situation to him.  All he did was nod his stupid head silently and watch Steve ask the victim a few more questions via interpreter.  Now generally at this point, a unit assigned to the call would say something like,
“I’m just the assist, 167 Adam has the handle.”, if he were the assisting unit, or,
“I got the handle, you guys can take off, thanks.”, if he were the handling unit.
"Useless" just stood there, like a mannequin, so I asked him a simple and direct question,
“Who’s got the handle on this?”
“Uhhh…welll…uhhh.”, was his equally simple and direct answer.
So, I tried again in language he could understand,
“Uhhh….welll…uhhh....  What?  Who’s got the handle?”
“Well…I…uhhh…don’t…uh…know…uh…I…”, in language I did not understand.
At this point I was getting a little frustrated.  I decided to give it one more try, before passing the ball to Steve, who had recently been sent to, and failed, Anger Management School.
“Who was assigned the handle in the fucking call?!”
“Well..uh…I…guess…uh…I…was…uh…I…uh…guess.”, he replied, while looking longingly back at the door.
“So you have the handle?”, I half stated and half asked.
“Wellllll…I…suppose…buuut…uh…”  Apparently he didn’t quite grasp the concept of ‘having the handle’, so I decided to help him out.
“But, uh. What?  You were assigned the call.  Right?”
“Well, yeeeah…I guessss…”
“What do you mean you guess?  Is someone else assigned to this call?”  I was half praying there was, so I wouldn’t have to talk to this idiot anymore.
“Uhhh, welllll, noooo…”
“Then you have the handle.”
“Well…”
“No, ‘Well’, YOU have the handle.”
“Uh..”
I stepped up toe to toe with him,
“YOU have the handle!”
Silence and eyes on the floor.
“YOU have the handle.  Right?”
Still examining something on the floor.
RIGHT?  ....What?  YOU have the handle. RIGHT?”  This guy was killing me.
Silence
“RIGHT?!”  Maybe he wouldn’t kill me, maybe I would kill him.
“Right.” He finally confessed.
FINALLY, a little take charge attitude from this guy.

     Now, when I was a boot deputy, if another deputy, let alone two senior deputies, had been assigned a call in my area, I would have insisted on taking the handle.  I would have never dreamed of kissing off a call in my area to two deputies, who weren’t even assigned the call in the first place. Especially, when one of those deputies was known to punch other deputies, when they pissed him off, and the other one had a reputation for shooting people, and BOTH had reputations for short fuses! And they want us to believe that they haven’t lowered the hiring and training standards?  Get the fuck out of here!  Steve and I stuck around and shadowed his every move to make sure "Useless" handled the call to conclusion.

Verdict – "Fuckin' Useless", this Court finds you Guilty of Kissing Off Your Calls, Attempting To Kiss Off Your Calls, Not Being Able To Grow A Real Moustache, and of Being As Useless As a Shattered Crack Pipe.

Sentence – On the charge of Kissing Off Your Calls, you are hereby ordered to handle all calls for service on any shift you work, until you have developed a rudimentary work ethic.
On the charge of Attempting To Kiss Off Your Calls, you are to undergo a little nip/tuck surgery on your lips.  If making them smaller doesn’t work, your lips will be sewn shut like those little rubber shrunken heads they sell at Halloween.
On the charge of Not Being Able To Grow A Real Moustache, you are to undergo testosterone therapy, until such time as you can grow some pubies.
On the charge of Being As Useless As a Shattered Crack Pipe, you are to have a vasectomy, so as to prevent your procreating and polluting the human gene pool.