Case #32 - re The People vs Will Pear #2 (Will Pear Fact #137- The round from an AK-47 does not kill people)
Case #32 - re The People vs Will Pear #2 (Will Bartlett Fact #137- The round from an AK-47 does not kill people)
The subject's name has been changed to protect his identity. He claims to be in the Witness Protection Program
Sometime in the early 90’s, when drive-by shootings in the Carson patrol area were a nightly occurrence, one poor fellow suffered the unfortunate event of being 10-ringed by a round from an AK-47. Will Pear and Jeff Fleming had the call. When they arrived on scene the man with a bullet wound in his sternum was down, but still alive. Paramedics arrived and the victim was transported to the emergency room, because he was still "breathing", if a paramedic squeezing one of those bag things strapped to your face, while his partner does chest compressions, counts as breathing. The victim's family was hitting the speed dial for their usual mortician. Deputy Pear took the statements of the few witnesses who would speak to him, then told Fleming,
“We’re done here. Let’s go.”
Fleming, who was of the opinion that they, in fact, were not done, and would not be done for several hours, asked Pear,
“Will, homie just got 10-ringed by an AK-47. Don’t you think we should get the yellow tape and set up a crime scene for homicide?”
“He’ll be alright, let’s go.”
“He’ll be alright? The guy’s got a hole in his chest the size of a golf ball! Since when have you been a member of the Optimist’s Club?”
At which point Pear explained, in a rather abrupt and short tempered manner,
“Look, Jeff, I was in the Marines, and in the Marines they taught us that the round from the AK-47 doesn’t kill people. It’s designed to penetrate the body so it can hit more than one target! It’s not designed to kill!”
Thus simultaneously explaining ;
1. WILL PEAR FACT #137 –“The round from an AK-47 doesn’t kill people.” and,
2. How the phrase, “Tell it to the Marines!” came about, because only a Marine would believe that a round capable of passing through you, can’t kill you.
Fleming debated the point with Pear for awhile longer, but was unable to convince Pear that he was wrong. This failure is certainly not Fleming’s fault, and anyone familiar with WILL PEAR FACT #1- “WILL PEAR IS NEVER WRONG”, knows this.
They finally left the crime scene, unsecured, and went to the Emergency Room, so Will could get a statement from the victim. When they arrived, the E.R. staff had cracked the victim’s chest and had just given up pumping his heart manually. The doctor, who was somehow unfamiliar with both WILL PEAR FACT #1 and WILL PEAR FACT #137, pronounced the victim dead. Pear, who was understandably outraged at these blatant violations of WILL PEAR FACTS #1 and #137, demanded a second opinion. A second doctor stepped forward and lifted the patients heart, so that Pear could see the penny sized hole that passed right through it.
Verdict – Will Pear, this Court finds you Guilty of Violating WILL PEAR FACT #1.
Sentence – The penalty is a double portion of some homemade humble pie. SHUT UP! I know, you don’t have the ingredients to make humble pie, the basic ingredient consisting of humbleness, so, I will provide you with the ingredient, since everyone knows that yours truly is overflowing with it. Eat hearty! And by the way, I am finding you innocent of violating Will Pear Fact # 137 (The round from an AK-47 does not kill people), because technically, it’s the hole in the guy's heart that killed him. Take the win and shut up.
On a side note, I was in the Army (I know, I know, the Marines are better than the Army, blah, blah, blahbitty, blah), and in the Army they told us that the round for an AK-47 wasn't DESIGNED to kill you, it was DESIGNED to pass through you in order to hit multiple targets. That does not mean it WON'T kill you. It will in frickin' fact kill the shit out of you, as millions of people worldwide would attest to, ...IF they were in fact, still alive,... but they aren't,... so they can't,... because they were killed by an AKFRICKIN-47 round! Get it, Will?
The subject's name has been changed to protect his identity. He claims to be in the Witness Protection Program
Sometime in the early 90’s, when drive-by shootings in the Carson patrol area were a nightly occurrence, one poor fellow suffered the unfortunate event of being 10-ringed by a round from an AK-47. Will Pear and Jeff Fleming had the call. When they arrived on scene the man with a bullet wound in his sternum was down, but still alive. Paramedics arrived and the victim was transported to the emergency room, because he was still "breathing", if a paramedic squeezing one of those bag things strapped to your face, while his partner does chest compressions, counts as breathing. The victim's family was hitting the speed dial for their usual mortician. Deputy Pear took the statements of the few witnesses who would speak to him, then told Fleming,
“We’re done here. Let’s go.”
Fleming, who was of the opinion that they, in fact, were not done, and would not be done for several hours, asked Pear,
“Will, homie just got 10-ringed by an AK-47. Don’t you think we should get the yellow tape and set up a crime scene for homicide?”
“He’ll be alright, let’s go.”
“He’ll be alright? The guy’s got a hole in his chest the size of a golf ball! Since when have you been a member of the Optimist’s Club?”
At which point Pear explained, in a rather abrupt and short tempered manner,
“Look, Jeff, I was in the Marines, and in the Marines they taught us that the round from the AK-47 doesn’t kill people. It’s designed to penetrate the body so it can hit more than one target! It’s not designed to kill!”
Thus simultaneously explaining ;
1. WILL PEAR FACT #137 –“The round from an AK-47 doesn’t kill people.” and,
2. How the phrase, “Tell it to the Marines!” came about, because only a Marine would believe that a round capable of passing through you, can’t kill you.
Fleming debated the point with Pear for awhile longer, but was unable to convince Pear that he was wrong. This failure is certainly not Fleming’s fault, and anyone familiar with WILL PEAR FACT #1- “WILL PEAR IS NEVER WRONG”, knows this.
They finally left the crime scene, unsecured, and went to the Emergency Room, so Will could get a statement from the victim. When they arrived, the E.R. staff had cracked the victim’s chest and had just given up pumping his heart manually. The doctor, who was somehow unfamiliar with both WILL PEAR FACT #1 and WILL PEAR FACT #137, pronounced the victim dead. Pear, who was understandably outraged at these blatant violations of WILL PEAR FACTS #1 and #137, demanded a second opinion. A second doctor stepped forward and lifted the patients heart, so that Pear could see the penny sized hole that passed right through it.
Verdict – Will Pear, this Court finds you Guilty of Violating WILL PEAR FACT #1.
Sentence – The penalty is a double portion of some homemade humble pie. SHUT UP! I know, you don’t have the ingredients to make humble pie, the basic ingredient consisting of humbleness, so, I will provide you with the ingredient, since everyone knows that yours truly is overflowing with it. Eat hearty! And by the way, I am finding you innocent of violating Will Pear Fact # 137 (The round from an AK-47 does not kill people), because technically, it’s the hole in the guy's heart that killed him. Take the win and shut up.
On a side note, I was in the Army (I know, I know, the Marines are better than the Army, blah, blah, blahbitty, blah), and in the Army they told us that the round for an AK-47 wasn't DESIGNED to kill you, it was DESIGNED to pass through you in order to hit multiple targets. That does not mean it WON'T kill you. It will in frickin' fact kill the shit out of you, as millions of people worldwide would attest to, ...IF they were in fact, still alive,... but they aren't,... so they can't,... because they were killed by an AKFRICKIN-47 round! Get it, Will?
ANY round can kill you, if it hits you in the right place. Some are just better at it than others.
ReplyDeleteApparently my pal was sleeping during that portion of training in the USMC and the Sheriff's Academy. His partner told me that story and since he's given to embellishment, i didn't really believe it, but I still went with the story. I don't always let facts get in the way of a good story. But, when I asked Will about it, he didn't deny it. He just asked I change his name, which I did. That's a confession in my book.
Delete