Case #36 - re The People vs Dorsey Luther (Cats and dogs)
Dorsey Luther had brought her Narco K-9, “Bobbie” (pffft, Bobbie?), to help us out on a parole search. The guy whose house we were searching had a mean ass pit bull in the backyard that had to be secured before Dorsey would bring her K-9 in. Narco dogs aren't as tough as man tracking dogs. In addition to the pit bull, the suspect also had a cat that had obviously had some run-ins with the pit bull, and, predictably, lost all of them. The tabby was missing an eye, an ear, half the other ear, one quarter of his tail, the rest of his tail appeared to be permanently bent into the shape of a Z and various patches of hair were gone with visible scar tissue. That poor cat had nine tough lives. The cat was lounging in the front yard, when Dorsey started to bring her Narco K-9 into the house.
When the K-9 was half way into the front yard, the cat snapped. It streaked across the lawn and leaped at the dog, landing on the dog’s back and sinking it’s fangs into the back of the dog’s neck! The impact sent the dog rolling, with the cat still latched on. When Bobbie, the K-9, got to its feet, Dorsey kicked the cat off. The hellcat landed 10 feet away, rolled to its feet and immediately went at the K-9 again. The K-9 tried to defend itself, but tucking your tail between your legs only provides a small amount of protection and “ai, ai, ai, aiing” isn’t that intimidating to something intent on eating you for lunch. The cat went after the dog about four more times, each time it was kicked off by Dorsey. The cat finally latched onto the dog’s throat. The cat apparently had some anger management issues, coupled with some deep seated resentment of dogs, due to having its ass kicked by the pit bull so many times. Dorsey kicked the cat a final time and sent it flying into a neighbor’s yard, thus saving her dog’s life, but not his reputation.
Verdict – Dorsey Luther, this Court finds you Guilty of Owning A Dog With Serious Species Identification Problems, in other words, a dog that thinks it’s a pussy.
Sentence – Miss Luther, It’s common knowledge that the first thing a woman does when she gets a male animal is get its balls chopped off. If you want to own a pussy dog, that’s your business. But, if you are going to own an animal that represents the LASD, then there are certain minimum requirements that this Court orders you to follow;
A- Get a dog that chases cats and doesn’t run away from them.
B- Get a dog that can kick a cat’s ass, when it catches the cat.
C- Get a dog that doesn’t tuck tail when threatened, especially when threatened by a cat.
D- Don’t get a dog that goes “ai,ai,ai,ai”, unless your dog is named Hong Kong Phooey.
E- Don’t chop its balls off! I know, I know, (read the following in a nasally, whiny voice) studies show that it’s supposed to be good for the animal and helps it live longer. (Back to normal voice) Well I got news for you Missy! Those studies are full of shit! And you know why? Because they were done by women, who just wanted an excuse to chop their dogs balls off!! And who in the Hell wants to live longer after your balls have been hacked off anyway! That just prolongs the misery and humiliation! Do you know why dogs sniff other dog’s butts? They don’t! They’re checking to see if the dog’s balls are still intact!
F- Allow your dog to rub its, "lipstick", on your leg anytime it feels the urge to, "rub one out". That’s how a dog shows it’s a happy well-adjusted animal. Plus, it’s good for it to know you’re there for it, when it needs you, and finally,
G- A police dog is supposed to have a macho name, like Thor, Rebel, Khan, or Killer. A police dog is NOT supposed to have a wimpy name like, “Bobbie”! Especially with that spelling!!! The Court realizes that you were trained by, “Smilin’ Bobbie Mittelbrun”, and that you probably named your mutt “Bobbie” as homage to him, but even, “Smilin’ Bob”, knows he has a girlish name. Why do you think he never smiles?
Now get out of here and don’t go 10-8 with a dog, until it, and its name, has been approved by this Court.
Dorsey Luther had brought her Narco K-9, “Bobbie” (pffft, Bobbie?), to help us out on a parole search. The guy whose house we were searching had a mean ass pit bull in the backyard that had to be secured before Dorsey would bring her K-9 in. Narco dogs aren't as tough as man tracking dogs. In addition to the pit bull, the suspect also had a cat that had obviously had some run-ins with the pit bull, and, predictably, lost all of them. The tabby was missing an eye, an ear, half the other ear, one quarter of his tail, the rest of his tail appeared to be permanently bent into the shape of a Z and various patches of hair were gone with visible scar tissue. That poor cat had nine tough lives. The cat was lounging in the front yard, when Dorsey started to bring her Narco K-9 into the house.
When the K-9 was half way into the front yard, the cat snapped. It streaked across the lawn and leaped at the dog, landing on the dog’s back and sinking it’s fangs into the back of the dog’s neck! The impact sent the dog rolling, with the cat still latched on. When Bobbie, the K-9, got to its feet, Dorsey kicked the cat off. The hellcat landed 10 feet away, rolled to its feet and immediately went at the K-9 again. The K-9 tried to defend itself, but tucking your tail between your legs only provides a small amount of protection and “ai, ai, ai, aiing” isn’t that intimidating to something intent on eating you for lunch. The cat went after the dog about four more times, each time it was kicked off by Dorsey. The cat finally latched onto the dog’s throat. The cat apparently had some anger management issues, coupled with some deep seated resentment of dogs, due to having its ass kicked by the pit bull so many times. Dorsey kicked the cat a final time and sent it flying into a neighbor’s yard, thus saving her dog’s life, but not his reputation.
Verdict – Dorsey Luther, this Court finds you Guilty of Owning A Dog With Serious Species Identification Problems, in other words, a dog that thinks it’s a pussy.
Sentence – Miss Luther, It’s common knowledge that the first thing a woman does when she gets a male animal is get its balls chopped off. If you want to own a pussy dog, that’s your business. But, if you are going to own an animal that represents the LASD, then there are certain minimum requirements that this Court orders you to follow;
A- Get a dog that chases cats and doesn’t run away from them.
B- Get a dog that can kick a cat’s ass, when it catches the cat.
C- Get a dog that doesn’t tuck tail when threatened, especially when threatened by a cat.
D- Don’t get a dog that goes “ai,ai,ai,ai”, unless your dog is named Hong Kong Phooey.
E- Don’t chop its balls off! I know, I know, (read the following in a nasally, whiny voice) studies show that it’s supposed to be good for the animal and helps it live longer. (Back to normal voice) Well I got news for you Missy! Those studies are full of shit! And you know why? Because they were done by women, who just wanted an excuse to chop their dogs balls off!! And who in the Hell wants to live longer after your balls have been hacked off anyway! That just prolongs the misery and humiliation! Do you know why dogs sniff other dog’s butts? They don’t! They’re checking to see if the dog’s balls are still intact!
F- Allow your dog to rub its, "lipstick", on your leg anytime it feels the urge to, "rub one out". That’s how a dog shows it’s a happy well-adjusted animal. Plus, it’s good for it to know you’re there for it, when it needs you, and finally,
G- A police dog is supposed to have a macho name, like Thor, Rebel, Khan, or Killer. A police dog is NOT supposed to have a wimpy name like, “Bobbie”! Especially with that spelling!!! The Court realizes that you were trained by, “Smilin’ Bobbie Mittelbrun”, and that you probably named your mutt “Bobbie” as homage to him, but even, “Smilin’ Bob”, knows he has a girlish name. Why do you think he never smiles?
Now get out of here and don’t go 10-8 with a dog, until it, and its name, has been approved by this Court.
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