Case #47 – re The People vs Barry Shapiro ( Mr. Fantastic)
During his stint at Lomita Sheriff’s Station, Barry (the Ba is pronounced as in ‘bat’) Shapiro was able to earn a reputation as Mr. Fantastic. Not because he was such a great guy, which he is…NOT! If he was, they’d call him Mr. Great, which they don’t. And not because of the wonderful job he did as a Deputy Sheriff over there, which he did…NOT! If that was the case they would call him Mr. Wonderful, which they don’t. And not because he’s super-sensitive about any perceived slight, or criticism, which he is…really, he is. If that was the case they’d call him Mr. Super-Sensitive…oh wait, they did call him that.
Now they call him Mr. Fantastic, because of a little incident that occurred while he was dressing in the locker room. After struggling for 20 minutes to get his Sam Browne (gun belt) buckled, with frustratingly little success, Barry had decided to take 5 while he caught his breath and considered his predicament. One of his co-workers made a suggestion,
“Why don’t you let your belt out a notch or two?”
This was received in typical Barry Shapiro super-sensitive fashion,
“So, wud ah’ yaw sayin’? Ah’ ya sayin’ ahm fat? Why don’ ‘choo look in the mirrah’? You’re not so slim yaself! And mind ya own damn business!”
The co-worker walked away, shaking his head, as Barry gave his retreating back, "the hard stare".
"The hard stare", consisted of Barry leaning forward from a standing position, thrusting his head and jaw forward, while simultaneously drawing his shoulders back and letting his hands hang down as if he were about to draw two 6 shooters from his holsters. Barry had a variation of the, "The hard stare", which was the same as the original, "The hard stare", except he added a swivel to it. The swivel rotation came from the waist. This variation was reserved for instances when Barry was directing, "The hard stare", at multiple targets. Often times Barry would add a slight, rhythmic head bob to, "The hard stare", but this was usually reserved for the end of a confrontation. There is a formula for measuring the degree of Barry’s anger, which consists of a ratio calculation between the degree of forward tilt to his upper body, the angle his head is tilted and how far back his shoulders are drawn. It’s kind of complicated and requires some extensive knowledge of body mechanics and geometry, so we won’t go into it here.
At any rate, his co-worker’s comment had raised Barry’s ire and renewed his energy. Barry set to showing his Sam Browne who ran the show. After another 15 minutes of struggles and contortions, and the help of a couple of muscular trustees, Barry was finally able to fasten that 30” leather bad boy around his 42” waist. Barry gave the trustees a 2 bit tip to split between them for helping him and admired himself in the full length mirror for a moment before strutting off to the briefing room. When the Sgt. asked Barry why he was late to briefing, Barry’s belt buckle answered for him by snapping loose and zinging across the room, knocking the Sgt out, bouncing off the floor, rebounding off of a wall and shattering a ceiling light fixture. This reminded one of the Deputies of a cartoon movie called, “The Fantastics”. And the rest is history.
Barry’s fame has spread around the globe. He is called Herr Fantastiche in Germany, Senor Fantastico in Spanish speaking countries, Mr. Shmuck in Israel, which Barry says translates. in Hebrew, as Mr. Fantastic, and Won Long Dang Wang, which translates loosely as Mr. Fantastic in China (according to Barry’s favorite massage therapist, Lucy Ho, who, by the way, says she calls him that because she gets a larger tip out of it, not because of any anatomical correlation).
VERDICT – Barry Shapiro, this Court finds you Guilty of Denial.
SENTENCE - Be thankful your co-workers chose Mr. Fantastic as a moniker instead of Mr. Fat-Ass. The Court orders you to FACE REALITY! Your belt isn’t shrinking, you’re expanding! Get used to it. Either stop eating at Taco Bell, or borrow one of Oso’s belts. Oh, and next time you see your "massage therapist", wear a rubber. That screaming you do when you pee can’t be a good sign.
During his stint at Lomita Sheriff’s Station, Barry (the Ba is pronounced as in ‘bat’) Shapiro was able to earn a reputation as Mr. Fantastic. Not because he was such a great guy, which he is…NOT! If he was, they’d call him Mr. Great, which they don’t. And not because of the wonderful job he did as a Deputy Sheriff over there, which he did…NOT! If that was the case they would call him Mr. Wonderful, which they don’t. And not because he’s super-sensitive about any perceived slight, or criticism, which he is…really, he is. If that was the case they’d call him Mr. Super-Sensitive…oh wait, they did call him that.
Now they call him Mr. Fantastic, because of a little incident that occurred while he was dressing in the locker room. After struggling for 20 minutes to get his Sam Browne (gun belt) buckled, with frustratingly little success, Barry had decided to take 5 while he caught his breath and considered his predicament. One of his co-workers made a suggestion,
“Why don’t you let your belt out a notch or two?”
This was received in typical Barry Shapiro super-sensitive fashion,
“So, wud ah’ yaw sayin’? Ah’ ya sayin’ ahm fat? Why don’ ‘choo look in the mirrah’? You’re not so slim yaself! And mind ya own damn business!”
The co-worker walked away, shaking his head, as Barry gave his retreating back, "the hard stare".
"The hard stare", consisted of Barry leaning forward from a standing position, thrusting his head and jaw forward, while simultaneously drawing his shoulders back and letting his hands hang down as if he were about to draw two 6 shooters from his holsters. Barry had a variation of the, "The hard stare", which was the same as the original, "The hard stare", except he added a swivel to it. The swivel rotation came from the waist. This variation was reserved for instances when Barry was directing, "The hard stare", at multiple targets. Often times Barry would add a slight, rhythmic head bob to, "The hard stare", but this was usually reserved for the end of a confrontation. There is a formula for measuring the degree of Barry’s anger, which consists of a ratio calculation between the degree of forward tilt to his upper body, the angle his head is tilted and how far back his shoulders are drawn. It’s kind of complicated and requires some extensive knowledge of body mechanics and geometry, so we won’t go into it here.
At any rate, his co-worker’s comment had raised Barry’s ire and renewed his energy. Barry set to showing his Sam Browne who ran the show. After another 15 minutes of struggles and contortions, and the help of a couple of muscular trustees, Barry was finally able to fasten that 30” leather bad boy around his 42” waist. Barry gave the trustees a 2 bit tip to split between them for helping him and admired himself in the full length mirror for a moment before strutting off to the briefing room. When the Sgt. asked Barry why he was late to briefing, Barry’s belt buckle answered for him by snapping loose and zinging across the room, knocking the Sgt out, bouncing off the floor, rebounding off of a wall and shattering a ceiling light fixture. This reminded one of the Deputies of a cartoon movie called, “The Fantastics”. And the rest is history.
Barry’s fame has spread around the globe. He is called Herr Fantastiche in Germany, Senor Fantastico in Spanish speaking countries, Mr. Shmuck in Israel, which Barry says translates. in Hebrew, as Mr. Fantastic, and Won Long Dang Wang, which translates loosely as Mr. Fantastic in China (according to Barry’s favorite massage therapist, Lucy Ho, who, by the way, says she calls him that because she gets a larger tip out of it, not because of any anatomical correlation).
VERDICT – Barry Shapiro, this Court finds you Guilty of Denial.
SENTENCE - Be thankful your co-workers chose Mr. Fantastic as a moniker instead of Mr. Fat-Ass. The Court orders you to FACE REALITY! Your belt isn’t shrinking, you’re expanding! Get used to it. Either stop eating at Taco Bell, or borrow one of Oso’s belts. Oh, and next time you see your "massage therapist", wear a rubber. That screaming you do when you pee can’t be a good sign.
This is one of the most engaging and entertaining blogs I've ever read. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope never to be on the receiving end of your sap or your wit. Best regards from Hungary (by way of the East Coast) - Arthur
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting. Without the comments I don't know if people like the stories, or not. And thank you very much for the compliment Sir. I try to post a new story every weekend. I hope you keep reading and feel free to spread the word about my blog
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