Case #54 The People Vs Wayde Farrell & Family (dolphins vs duffys)
On May 31, 2015, Wayde Farrell got into an on duty scuffle with a motorcycle. He was eventually medically retired from his various injuries. The injuries could be summarized as follows: His legs and arms were pretty frickin' useless and his back was jacked.
On October 16, 2015, four and a half months after the accident, Wayde turned 56 years old. His sister, Stephanie and her husband Patrick, took Wayde out for a ride around Huntington Harbor in a Duffy boat to remind him that he was a year closer to death. Also along for the birthday celebration were Wayde's wife, Michelle, the birthday boy's parents, Willie and Terri, and Patrick's mother, Donna.
For those of you who don't know what a Duffy boat looks like, just picture the African Queen, but instead of being powered by a steam engine, a Duffy is electric. If you are too young to be familiar with the African Queen, then picture the Jungle Cruise boats at Disneyland. A Duffy looks kind of like those. This particular Duffy was built for eight or ten.
So, they all climbed aboard and took their seats. Wayde's sister, Stephanie, laid out some snacks and everyone kicked back for a relaxing ride. As they puttered along at a slow jog, Wayde's parents, sister and Patrick told a story about a Duffy boat outing they took a few weeks prior.
On that trip, as they were driving the rental boat back to the dock, the transmission broke down and the boat would only go in reverse. They were in a narrow channel, surrounded by million dollar yachts, with the sun going down fast. This made the idea of maneuvering the Duffy in reverse unappealing. The idea was especially nightmarish to Wayde's lawyer sister, who saw some serious lawsuits in the works, if their little rented boat so much as scratched one of the yachts. They were close to a private dock when the transmission went kaput, so it was decided that a better course of action would be to tie up at the private dock and call the Duffy Rental company.
When they tied up, they couldn't get an answer at the company (apparently, they had left to eat dinner). They were trapped on the private dock, because it had a locked gate and a 5 ft high cement wall ran along it. Not knowing if the rental company personnel would be returning, they decided that they had two choices.
Option A - Try driving the Duffy in reverse, in the dark, between the yachts, or
Option B - Climb the cement wall and walk back.
They chose Option B. Pat and Stephanie boosted Wayde's five and a half foot tall, 81 year old father, and his five foot tall, overweight, 71 year old mother onto the five foot high, 6 inch wide, cement wall, then climbed up after them. Apparently, boosting two senior citizens up onto a 5 foot high wall seemed like a good idea at the time. Luckily, no broken hips were incurred. That story was worth a good laugh, then Wayde's dad asked, good naturedly,
"What do you plan to do this time, sink us?"
That also got a laugh. The next hour passed smoothly, as everyone pointed out the different homes, boats and boat names.
As they got to the Pacific Coast Highway bridge, that eventually leads out to the open ocean, they spotted some fish jumping out of the water. A few minutes later they spotted some dolphins. At first they were near a grass covered sandbar in the middle of the channel that rose about three feet out of the water. They spent the next half hour, or so, puttering along after the dolphins, in an area about half the size of a football field.
They were heading toward the little sandbar island and preparing to turn around when the Duffy came to a sudden and complete stop. The Duffy had grounded on an underwater section of the sandbar. Pat tried backing out for a few minutes but got nowhere.
About this time, Wayde could definitely feel the tension rising in the little boat, because his wife and mother can't swim. They did keep their composure for awhile though, which surprised Wayde. And to be honest, Wayde was proud of them, during the 15 minutes, or so, that they were able to control themselves, because he just knew that his wife and mother were each remembering every, "stranded at sea", film they had ever seen. So, while Pat tried to use the engine to get the Duffy off of the sandbar, Wayde was certain that his wife and mother were silently tallying the supplies that were left on board, "WHY DIDN'T WE BRING MORE WATER?", (One of them actually asked this question), and calculating how many days it would be before everyone was reduced to drinking their own urine and resorting to cannibalism to survive (Willie's the oldest. He'll probably go first, but there's not much meat on him). It made Wayde a little nervous when he saw them eyeballing him and giving each other a wink.
Did I forget to say that they were still in HUNTINGTON HARBOR! Oh, and did I mention that they were close enough to the Pacific Coast Highway on one side, and the houses on the other side, to hit with a rock? And also, that there were some people on a dock about 60 feet away watching them? And of course Flipper could have always swam off to get Sandy!
Since he was the only one in shorts under the age of eighty, Pat kicked off his shoes and jumped down into the knee deep water to try and push the boat off the sandbar. When this happened, Wayde's sister was the first to have a mini-meltdown. She took the helm and alternated between, asking Pat which way she should turn the wheel of the boat, and yelling at him to, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", instead of simply turning the engine off until the boat was floating free again. After all, it's not like the 2 HP electric motor was accomplishing anything.
After about ten minutes, Pat had moved the boat about two feet. Wayde reluctantly decided to peel down to his boxers and give Pat a hand, partly because he could see Pat needed help and partly because he wanted to escape his wife and mother's hungry gazes. Wayde gingerly dropped into the knee deep water, went to the front of the boat, grabbed the rope attached to the front cleat and started pulling. That's when the adrenaline kicked in for Wayde's wife, mother and sister and this show really turned into a circus.
Wayde's wife was in a panic, yelling at him "BE CAREFUL! DON'T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!" She apparently thought he would find it difficult to get out of the way of a boat moving at about 5 feet per hour.
His sister was alternating between yelling at Pat, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", and yelling at Wayde, "DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE BOAT!" The same boat that could only go as fast as Pat and Wayde could move it.
Possibly the best part, was Wayde's mother hobbling from one side of the 5 foot wide boat to the other as fast as she could, while frantically yelling at every passing boat, "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!". When the occupants of the passing boats just looked at her and smirked, before moving on, she briefly looked back at the remaining occupants of the Duffy boat, partly in consternation and partly looking for further advice. Not receiving any advice, she pretty much stuck with her original plan. She changed her distress call to a much louder and more drawn out, "MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYY!, MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYYY!, MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYYY!", just in case the people on the boats that were passing about 30 feet away didn't hear her. When none of the passing boats stopped to assist, this actually confused his mother. She turned to address the Duffy boats occupants and asked in frustration, "Isn't that what you're supposed to say? Mayday? That's what they say in the movies." Without waiting for an answer, she turned back to the passing boats and continued to yell, "MAAYYYDAAAYYY!", at each and every one of them.
The side to side movement in the boat, caused by Wayde's mother hobbling from one side to the other, as she fruitlessly chased each passing boat, caused it to rock very slightly. This, in turn, caused Wayde's wife to sit down and grab onto the table in a panic as she imagined the boat tipping over and herself being dumped into the water where she would die a horrible death drowning in knee deep water as she was killed by The Creature From The Black Lagoon and then devoured by sharks and kraken. But, her love for her husband was strong and her fear didn't stop her from continuing to yell at him her warning to, "BE CAREFUL! DON"T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!" These panicked screams of, "MAYDAY", and, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", and, "DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE BOAT!", and, "BE CAREFUL! DON'T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!", were continuous and simultaneous.
Meanwhile, back home in Sanityville, Wayde's dad was nursing his beer with a smirk on his face and Pat's mom, Donna, was sipping her wine, not even trying to hide the grin on her face.
After about three of minutes of pushing and pulling, the sandbar dropped off, the boat was free floating again and Wayde was now standing in water up to his arm pits. Pat was in much shallower water, and he was able to quickly climb back into the boat. Wayde, unwisely, waited for the rear of the boat to reach him before trying to jump in. He did not make it. Four and a half months of sitting on the couch watching television doesn't do as much for your upper body strength as you would think. When Wayde fell back down into the water the bottom was gone and he was floating. It's even harder to climb into a boat when there's nothing to push off of.
Crazy went into overdrive at this point. Wayde's wife started yelling,
"WHERE ARE THE LIFE JACKETS!"
His mother went from only screaming, "MAYDAY!", at every passing boat, to alternately screaming,
"MAN OVERBOARD!", at every passing boat, and asking, in a panicked voice, if anyone on the boat had a cellphone to call the coast guard, and, "Where's the boat's radio to call the Coast Guard?"
Wayde's sister was alternately yelling at everyone in the boat to,
"Pull Wayde into the boat, but DON'T pull to hard, because his arms and back are hurt!",
and yelling at Wayde to not get caught up in the propeller (once again, instead of simply turning the damn thing off!).
Wayde was considering saying, "Screw it." and swimming the sixty feet to the road, but his shoulders were still dry, so he decided against that plan. He hit on the idea to tie a loop in the rear cleat rope so he could stand in the loop and he was able to get into the boat again. As Wayde's knees were clearing the sides of the boat, Almost everyone perceived the problem to be over. Wayde's mother had a different perception. As Pat, Michelle and Stephanie were releasing his arms and stepping back, Wayde's mother saw his left ankle was still hanging perilously over the side of the boat. Seeing a danger that nobody else saw, she was compelled to fill the gap they left, reach over Wayde's back, grab him by the rear waistband of his boxers and give a mighty yank. Wayde's eyes bugged out as his mother gave him an atomic wedgie that went so far up the crack of his ass it almost required surgery to remove.
As Pat and Wayde sat there soaked, Wayde in his underwear and Pat in his shorts, Wayde's mother began repeatedly asking, nobody in particular,
"Why isn't there a flare gun on board to signal for help?" (never mind the fact that the sun was up and would remain up for a couple of hours)
At the same time, his wife and sister began indignantly discussing why there wasn't a ladder of some type to climb back into the boat. But then the manufacturers of Duffy, probably make dangerous assumptions about the people who ride in their boats like:
- They know what channel buoys mean.
- That "sandbar" signs are fairly self-explanatory.
- And that nobody will fall off of a boat that only goes 3 mph and rides in waves no larger than three inch boat wake.
As Wayde's, wife, sister, and mother began discussing, amongst themselves, the shortcomings of the Duffy boat's water safety features, with righteous indignation, Wayde had the audacity to start laughing at them. Out loud. They turned toward him, aiming their Gatling gun mouths at him, and began rapid firing questions/statements at him in unison;
- Shouldn't there be a flare gun on board? All boats are supposed to have a flare gun! How are you supposed to signal the Coast Guard without a flare gun!
- Shouldn't there be a radio on board? All boats are supposed to have a radio! How are you supposed to signal the Coast Guard without a radio!
- Why isn't there a ladder to get back in the boat? Is it unreasonable to have a ladder on the boat? (I'll give you three guesses as to which one asked that lawyerly question)
- Why aren't there life vests on the boat. (Well the seats act as flotation devices) What! How are we supposed to know that? That's stupid!
After listening to his wife, daughter and daughter-in-law for the previous twenty minutes or so, while he smirked and drank his beer, Wayde's dad apparently felt guilted into doing something caring and fatherly, so he tossed Wayde a dry cloth and suggested Wayde make sure he dried his feet before he put his socks back on,
"...because it's hard to put socks on wet sandy feet."
Patrick looked at Wayde with a raised eyebrow, as if to say, "WTF?". Wayde just took the cloth and wiped his wet, unsandy feet off. Hey, his dad did his best, he's 81 years old how many neurons can still be firing up there? Plus, it was the most sensible thing that had been said, since the moment they had grounded on the sandbar.
Donna said that boat trip was the most she'd laughed in a long time.
VERDICTS/SENTENCES - WOW! Now THAT'S a fish story! Yer humble Judge, don't get many seagoin' violations to deal with, so he's a bit rusty on the laws of the sea, but what the Hell, let's 'ave a go at it. We'll deal with the menfolks first.
- Mr Wayde's Brother-in-Law (Patrick), as the skipper o' this so called vessel, this court finds it admirable that you jumped into the dangerous knee high waters without a thought to the dangers that may lurk beneath the ocean's waves, like ...ohhhh, I dunno, a ravenous school of anchovies that might nibble at cher leg hairs perhaps? Or a randy mudskipper takin' liberties with yer pinkie toe? Maybe even endin' up with a case o' the fiddler crabs! But it was a beginner's mistake, laddie. Ye fergot one o' the key elements o' skipperin'. Can you guess what it is? No? Well here's a hint. Can you say delee-gay-shin o' lay-bor? A skippers job ain't ta be runnin' 'round tryin' ta do everthin' fer himself! A skippers job is ta be tellin' his crew ta run 'round an' do everthin' fer 'im. By jumpin' in the water, ye left yer little bathtub boat skipperless! What did ya expect ta happen with a boat full o' women, one old man and an invalid? Histrionics ensued! Do ya know where the word "histrionics" come from? It come from the Ancient Greek word, "histrionika", which is Greeks fer "screaming, panicky womenfolks". Without an able bodied man in the boat to keep 'em in line, most o' yer women folk, panicked. The Court finds ye guilty o' Abandonin' Command.
Sentence - Fer Abandonin' Command, the Court sentences ye ta 'tend a Basic Motorboat Safety course, and a viewin' of the films "Mutiny on the Bounty", an' "Moby Dick", now those were some skippers!
- Mr Wayde, as the invited guest o' honor, and in light of ye bein' the birthday boy an' all, the Court finds it highly admirable that ye volunteered to drop down ta yer knickers an' join yer skipper in the murky waters. The Court finds it especially courageous considerin' yer well documented medical ailments. The Court awards ye the Navy Cross fer yer efforts in sorta savin' yer family. Good job, Bucko!
- Mr Wayde's Dad (Willie), the Court finds yer ability ta stay above the fray, and also in yer cups, while all Hell was breakin' loose on board the boat, quite admirable and also to be in the finest traditions of drunken sailorin'. The Court was a bit confused by yer sudden concern fer yer son's wet feet at the end of the story, but we'll just pass that off to some drunken blatherin's. The Court finds ye Not Guilty.
Now the Court will be movin' on ta the women folks.
Miss Wayde's sister (Stephanie) - This tale brings ta mind an old joke. What do ye call a hunnert lawyers at the bottom o' the sea? A GOOD START! Get it? Har, har, har! That's a real ribtickler! Anyhoo, back ta business. The Court finds yer concern fer yer menfolks touchin'. In addition, the Court commends yer attempt at doin' a man's job when yer boat run aground, an yer skipper was in the water tryin' ta save 'is ship. However, men's work should be left ta the menfolks, lassie. Womenfolks are best left ta daintier things, like knittin' doilies, mendin' clothes, cookin', gardenin', an' raisin' chickens, an' younguns an' such like. By not followin' the natural order o' things, ye caused a minor mishap ta turn into a right kerfuffle. Emergency sichy... sichu... sicha..., emergency conditions are best left ta men folks ta handle. The exter thinkin' overwhelms the female brain's capacity ta function. That's why men have bigger brains. The extra capacity is fer emergencies. So, next time leave the emergency decision makin' ta yer menfolks, even if all that's available is an old man with a wanderin' mind, or a good lookin', middle aged feller that's invalided. The Court finds ye Guilty o' Violatin' The Laws o' Nature. The Court sentences ye to a seemester o' Women's Studies. That way ye can learn how ta cook, knit, clean house, an' raise small farm animals. Top o' the mornin' ta ya missy.
Miss Wayde's mother (Terri) - The Court don't really understan' lifelong landlubbers yearnin' to go ta sea, but ta each 'is own. Whatever. However, the Court hopes ye learnt yer lesson with these little misadventures.
Lesson 1 - next time ye gets a hankerin' ta go fer a boat ride, buy a ticket ta Disneyland. The Jungle Cruise is not only scenic, but it be educational too. Ye learn a lot about wild animals an' differnt cultures 'n' such likes.
Lesson 2 - a boat in a harbor, 50 feet from land, does not constitute a need to call out the Coast Guard, or scream, "MAYDAY", at every boat, car, bicycle and pedestrian that passes by.
Lesson 3 - two growed men standin' in waist deep water, both of whom can swim, does not meet the definition of, "MAN OVERBOARD". It meets the definition of, "wading".
Lesson 4 - asides from Indypendence Day, there is no circumstance EVER, t'would necessitate the need fer a flare gun in Huntington Harbor.
Lesson 5 - once yer children have outgrowed their nappies, ya need to keep yer hands out of their undies. In fact, if anyone should have been yellin' ANYTHIN' at passing boats, it's yer son, who should have been yellin' "Stranger Danger!"
The Court finds ye Innocent by reason of Temporary Insanity, but issues a stay away order from yer son's patootey and any body o' water larger than a bathtub.
Miss Wayde's Wife (Michelle) - Hmmmm. It's the Court's understandin' that you yell at and berate yer poor husband throughout almost all his wakin' hours. A lesson you obviously learned from your mother-in-law. Ye yell at yer husband so much, that this Court has heard yer husband has taken to pretending he be goin' deaf! A trick he reportedly learnt from his pappy. The Court understands that Mr. Wayde has gone so far as to get hearin' aids to bolster his claim. On the day in question ye were yellin' at him, "Watch out, yer goin' ta get runned over by the boat!" The Court can't help but wonder if'n yer husband wasn't tryin' to get runned overed on purpose just ta escape yer constant yammerin's! The Court finds ye Innocent, by reason of Temporary Insanity. And by "Temporary", the Court means it hopes yer twenty somethin' years worth of craziness will be comin' ta an end soon!
Miss Wayde's sister's mother-in-law (Donna). The court finds ye to have been the sanest person on the boat, but that tain't much of an accomplishment in this perticaler case.
By the way, one of the major networks be lookin' to buy the movie rights and make this a remake of Gilligan's Island, starring all of ye. Here bes the new castin' choices;
The Skipper - Patrick
Gilligan - Stephanie (she was the First Mate after all)
Thurston Howell and Mrs Howell - Willie & Terri Farrell (because they're the oldest couple, not because they're rich)
Mary Anne - Donna
Ginger - Michelle (not because she's a movie star, but by default, because it's a pretty safe bet that Donna is a better cook)
The Professor - Wayde (because he's obviously the brainy one)
On May 31, 2015, Wayde Farrell got into an on duty scuffle with a motorcycle. He was eventually medically retired from his various injuries. The injuries could be summarized as follows: His legs and arms were pretty frickin' useless and his back was jacked.
On October 16, 2015, four and a half months after the accident, Wayde turned 56 years old. His sister, Stephanie and her husband Patrick, took Wayde out for a ride around Huntington Harbor in a Duffy boat to remind him that he was a year closer to death. Also along for the birthday celebration were Wayde's wife, Michelle, the birthday boy's parents, Willie and Terri, and Patrick's mother, Donna.
For those of you who don't know what a Duffy boat looks like, just picture the African Queen, but instead of being powered by a steam engine, a Duffy is electric. If you are too young to be familiar with the African Queen, then picture the Jungle Cruise boats at Disneyland. A Duffy looks kind of like those. This particular Duffy was built for eight or ten.
So, they all climbed aboard and took their seats. Wayde's sister, Stephanie, laid out some snacks and everyone kicked back for a relaxing ride. As they puttered along at a slow jog, Wayde's parents, sister and Patrick told a story about a Duffy boat outing they took a few weeks prior.
On that trip, as they were driving the rental boat back to the dock, the transmission broke down and the boat would only go in reverse. They were in a narrow channel, surrounded by million dollar yachts, with the sun going down fast. This made the idea of maneuvering the Duffy in reverse unappealing. The idea was especially nightmarish to Wayde's lawyer sister, who saw some serious lawsuits in the works, if their little rented boat so much as scratched one of the yachts. They were close to a private dock when the transmission went kaput, so it was decided that a better course of action would be to tie up at the private dock and call the Duffy Rental company.
When they tied up, they couldn't get an answer at the company (apparently, they had left to eat dinner). They were trapped on the private dock, because it had a locked gate and a 5 ft high cement wall ran along it. Not knowing if the rental company personnel would be returning, they decided that they had two choices.
Option A - Try driving the Duffy in reverse, in the dark, between the yachts, or
Option B - Climb the cement wall and walk back.
They chose Option B. Pat and Stephanie boosted Wayde's five and a half foot tall, 81 year old father, and his five foot tall, overweight, 71 year old mother onto the five foot high, 6 inch wide, cement wall, then climbed up after them. Apparently, boosting two senior citizens up onto a 5 foot high wall seemed like a good idea at the time. Luckily, no broken hips were incurred. That story was worth a good laugh, then Wayde's dad asked, good naturedly,
"What do you plan to do this time, sink us?"
That also got a laugh. The next hour passed smoothly, as everyone pointed out the different homes, boats and boat names.
As they got to the Pacific Coast Highway bridge, that eventually leads out to the open ocean, they spotted some fish jumping out of the water. A few minutes later they spotted some dolphins. At first they were near a grass covered sandbar in the middle of the channel that rose about three feet out of the water. They spent the next half hour, or so, puttering along after the dolphins, in an area about half the size of a football field.
They were heading toward the little sandbar island and preparing to turn around when the Duffy came to a sudden and complete stop. The Duffy had grounded on an underwater section of the sandbar. Pat tried backing out for a few minutes but got nowhere.
About this time, Wayde could definitely feel the tension rising in the little boat, because his wife and mother can't swim. They did keep their composure for awhile though, which surprised Wayde. And to be honest, Wayde was proud of them, during the 15 minutes, or so, that they were able to control themselves, because he just knew that his wife and mother were each remembering every, "stranded at sea", film they had ever seen. So, while Pat tried to use the engine to get the Duffy off of the sandbar, Wayde was certain that his wife and mother were silently tallying the supplies that were left on board, "WHY DIDN'T WE BRING MORE WATER?", (One of them actually asked this question), and calculating how many days it would be before everyone was reduced to drinking their own urine and resorting to cannibalism to survive (Willie's the oldest. He'll probably go first, but there's not much meat on him). It made Wayde a little nervous when he saw them eyeballing him and giving each other a wink.
Did I forget to say that they were still in HUNTINGTON HARBOR! Oh, and did I mention that they were close enough to the Pacific Coast Highway on one side, and the houses on the other side, to hit with a rock? And also, that there were some people on a dock about 60 feet away watching them? And of course Flipper could have always swam off to get Sandy!
Since he was the only one in shorts under the age of eighty, Pat kicked off his shoes and jumped down into the knee deep water to try and push the boat off the sandbar. When this happened, Wayde's sister was the first to have a mini-meltdown. She took the helm and alternated between, asking Pat which way she should turn the wheel of the boat, and yelling at him to, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", instead of simply turning the engine off until the boat was floating free again. After all, it's not like the 2 HP electric motor was accomplishing anything.
After about ten minutes, Pat had moved the boat about two feet. Wayde reluctantly decided to peel down to his boxers and give Pat a hand, partly because he could see Pat needed help and partly because he wanted to escape his wife and mother's hungry gazes. Wayde gingerly dropped into the knee deep water, went to the front of the boat, grabbed the rope attached to the front cleat and started pulling. That's when the adrenaline kicked in for Wayde's wife, mother and sister and this show really turned into a circus.
Wayde's wife was in a panic, yelling at him "BE CAREFUL! DON'T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!" She apparently thought he would find it difficult to get out of the way of a boat moving at about 5 feet per hour.
His sister was alternating between yelling at Pat, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", and yelling at Wayde, "DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE BOAT!" The same boat that could only go as fast as Pat and Wayde could move it.
Possibly the best part, was Wayde's mother hobbling from one side of the 5 foot wide boat to the other as fast as she could, while frantically yelling at every passing boat, "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!". When the occupants of the passing boats just looked at her and smirked, before moving on, she briefly looked back at the remaining occupants of the Duffy boat, partly in consternation and partly looking for further advice. Not receiving any advice, she pretty much stuck with her original plan. She changed her distress call to a much louder and more drawn out, "MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYY!, MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYYY!, MAAAYYYYDAAAYYYYYY!", just in case the people on the boats that were passing about 30 feet away didn't hear her. When none of the passing boats stopped to assist, this actually confused his mother. She turned to address the Duffy boats occupants and asked in frustration, "Isn't that what you're supposed to say? Mayday? That's what they say in the movies." Without waiting for an answer, she turned back to the passing boats and continued to yell, "MAAYYYDAAAYYY!", at each and every one of them.
The side to side movement in the boat, caused by Wayde's mother hobbling from one side to the other, as she fruitlessly chased each passing boat, caused it to rock very slightly. This, in turn, caused Wayde's wife to sit down and grab onto the table in a panic as she imagined the boat tipping over and herself being dumped into the water where she would die a horrible death drowning in knee deep water as she was killed by The Creature From The Black Lagoon and then devoured by sharks and kraken. But, her love for her husband was strong and her fear didn't stop her from continuing to yell at him her warning to, "BE CAREFUL! DON"T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!" These panicked screams of, "MAYDAY", and, "WATCH OUT FOR THE PROPELLER!", and, "DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE BOAT!", and, "BE CAREFUL! DON'T FALL UNDER THE BOAT!", were continuous and simultaneous.
Meanwhile, back home in Sanityville, Wayde's dad was nursing his beer with a smirk on his face and Pat's mom, Donna, was sipping her wine, not even trying to hide the grin on her face.
After about three of minutes of pushing and pulling, the sandbar dropped off, the boat was free floating again and Wayde was now standing in water up to his arm pits. Pat was in much shallower water, and he was able to quickly climb back into the boat. Wayde, unwisely, waited for the rear of the boat to reach him before trying to jump in. He did not make it. Four and a half months of sitting on the couch watching television doesn't do as much for your upper body strength as you would think. When Wayde fell back down into the water the bottom was gone and he was floating. It's even harder to climb into a boat when there's nothing to push off of.
Crazy went into overdrive at this point. Wayde's wife started yelling,
"WHERE ARE THE LIFE JACKETS!"
His mother went from only screaming, "MAYDAY!", at every passing boat, to alternately screaming,
"MAN OVERBOARD!", at every passing boat, and asking, in a panicked voice, if anyone on the boat had a cellphone to call the coast guard, and, "Where's the boat's radio to call the Coast Guard?"
Wayde's sister was alternately yelling at everyone in the boat to,
"Pull Wayde into the boat, but DON'T pull to hard, because his arms and back are hurt!",
and yelling at Wayde to not get caught up in the propeller (once again, instead of simply turning the damn thing off!).
Wayde was considering saying, "Screw it." and swimming the sixty feet to the road, but his shoulders were still dry, so he decided against that plan. He hit on the idea to tie a loop in the rear cleat rope so he could stand in the loop and he was able to get into the boat again. As Wayde's knees were clearing the sides of the boat, Almost everyone perceived the problem to be over. Wayde's mother had a different perception. As Pat, Michelle and Stephanie were releasing his arms and stepping back, Wayde's mother saw his left ankle was still hanging perilously over the side of the boat. Seeing a danger that nobody else saw, she was compelled to fill the gap they left, reach over Wayde's back, grab him by the rear waistband of his boxers and give a mighty yank. Wayde's eyes bugged out as his mother gave him an atomic wedgie that went so far up the crack of his ass it almost required surgery to remove.
As Pat and Wayde sat there soaked, Wayde in his underwear and Pat in his shorts, Wayde's mother began repeatedly asking, nobody in particular,
"Why isn't there a flare gun on board to signal for help?" (never mind the fact that the sun was up and would remain up for a couple of hours)
At the same time, his wife and sister began indignantly discussing why there wasn't a ladder of some type to climb back into the boat. But then the manufacturers of Duffy, probably make dangerous assumptions about the people who ride in their boats like:
- They know what channel buoys mean.
- That "sandbar" signs are fairly self-explanatory.
- And that nobody will fall off of a boat that only goes 3 mph and rides in waves no larger than three inch boat wake.
As Wayde's, wife, sister, and mother began discussing, amongst themselves, the shortcomings of the Duffy boat's water safety features, with righteous indignation, Wayde had the audacity to start laughing at them. Out loud. They turned toward him, aiming their Gatling gun mouths at him, and began rapid firing questions/statements at him in unison;
- Shouldn't there be a flare gun on board? All boats are supposed to have a flare gun! How are you supposed to signal the Coast Guard without a flare gun!
- Shouldn't there be a radio on board? All boats are supposed to have a radio! How are you supposed to signal the Coast Guard without a radio!
- Why isn't there a ladder to get back in the boat? Is it unreasonable to have a ladder on the boat? (I'll give you three guesses as to which one asked that lawyerly question)
- Why aren't there life vests on the boat. (Well the seats act as flotation devices) What! How are we supposed to know that? That's stupid!
After listening to his wife, daughter and daughter-in-law for the previous twenty minutes or so, while he smirked and drank his beer, Wayde's dad apparently felt guilted into doing something caring and fatherly, so he tossed Wayde a dry cloth and suggested Wayde make sure he dried his feet before he put his socks back on,
"...because it's hard to put socks on wet sandy feet."
Patrick looked at Wayde with a raised eyebrow, as if to say, "WTF?". Wayde just took the cloth and wiped his wet, unsandy feet off. Hey, his dad did his best, he's 81 years old how many neurons can still be firing up there? Plus, it was the most sensible thing that had been said, since the moment they had grounded on the sandbar.
Donna said that boat trip was the most she'd laughed in a long time.
VERDICTS/SENTENCES - WOW! Now THAT'S a fish story! Yer humble Judge, don't get many seagoin' violations to deal with, so he's a bit rusty on the laws of the sea, but what the Hell, let's 'ave a go at it. We'll deal with the menfolks first.
- Mr Wayde's Brother-in-Law (Patrick), as the skipper o' this so called vessel, this court finds it admirable that you jumped into the dangerous knee high waters without a thought to the dangers that may lurk beneath the ocean's waves, like ...ohhhh, I dunno, a ravenous school of anchovies that might nibble at cher leg hairs perhaps? Or a randy mudskipper takin' liberties with yer pinkie toe? Maybe even endin' up with a case o' the fiddler crabs! But it was a beginner's mistake, laddie. Ye fergot one o' the key elements o' skipperin'. Can you guess what it is? No? Well here's a hint. Can you say delee-gay-shin o' lay-bor? A skippers job ain't ta be runnin' 'round tryin' ta do everthin' fer himself! A skippers job is ta be tellin' his crew ta run 'round an' do everthin' fer 'im. By jumpin' in the water, ye left yer little bathtub boat skipperless! What did ya expect ta happen with a boat full o' women, one old man and an invalid? Histrionics ensued! Do ya know where the word "histrionics" come from? It come from the Ancient Greek word, "histrionika", which is Greeks fer "screaming, panicky womenfolks". Without an able bodied man in the boat to keep 'em in line, most o' yer women folk, panicked. The Court finds ye guilty o' Abandonin' Command.
Sentence - Fer Abandonin' Command, the Court sentences ye ta 'tend a Basic Motorboat Safety course, and a viewin' of the films "Mutiny on the Bounty", an' "Moby Dick", now those were some skippers!
- Mr Wayde, as the invited guest o' honor, and in light of ye bein' the birthday boy an' all, the Court finds it highly admirable that ye volunteered to drop down ta yer knickers an' join yer skipper in the murky waters. The Court finds it especially courageous considerin' yer well documented medical ailments. The Court awards ye the Navy Cross fer yer efforts in sorta savin' yer family. Good job, Bucko!
- Mr Wayde's Dad (Willie), the Court finds yer ability ta stay above the fray, and also in yer cups, while all Hell was breakin' loose on board the boat, quite admirable and also to be in the finest traditions of drunken sailorin'. The Court was a bit confused by yer sudden concern fer yer son's wet feet at the end of the story, but we'll just pass that off to some drunken blatherin's. The Court finds ye Not Guilty.
Now the Court will be movin' on ta the women folks.
Miss Wayde's sister (Stephanie) - This tale brings ta mind an old joke. What do ye call a hunnert lawyers at the bottom o' the sea? A GOOD START! Get it? Har, har, har! That's a real ribtickler! Anyhoo, back ta business. The Court finds yer concern fer yer menfolks touchin'. In addition, the Court commends yer attempt at doin' a man's job when yer boat run aground, an yer skipper was in the water tryin' ta save 'is ship. However, men's work should be left ta the menfolks, lassie. Womenfolks are best left ta daintier things, like knittin' doilies, mendin' clothes, cookin', gardenin', an' raisin' chickens, an' younguns an' such like. By not followin' the natural order o' things, ye caused a minor mishap ta turn into a right kerfuffle. Emergency sichy... sichu... sicha..., emergency conditions are best left ta men folks ta handle. The exter thinkin' overwhelms the female brain's capacity ta function. That's why men have bigger brains. The extra capacity is fer emergencies. So, next time leave the emergency decision makin' ta yer menfolks, even if all that's available is an old man with a wanderin' mind, or a good lookin', middle aged feller that's invalided. The Court finds ye Guilty o' Violatin' The Laws o' Nature. The Court sentences ye to a seemester o' Women's Studies. That way ye can learn how ta cook, knit, clean house, an' raise small farm animals. Top o' the mornin' ta ya missy.
Miss Wayde's mother (Terri) - The Court don't really understan' lifelong landlubbers yearnin' to go ta sea, but ta each 'is own. Whatever. However, the Court hopes ye learnt yer lesson with these little misadventures.
Lesson 1 - next time ye gets a hankerin' ta go fer a boat ride, buy a ticket ta Disneyland. The Jungle Cruise is not only scenic, but it be educational too. Ye learn a lot about wild animals an' differnt cultures 'n' such likes.
Lesson 2 - a boat in a harbor, 50 feet from land, does not constitute a need to call out the Coast Guard, or scream, "MAYDAY", at every boat, car, bicycle and pedestrian that passes by.
Lesson 3 - two growed men standin' in waist deep water, both of whom can swim, does not meet the definition of, "MAN OVERBOARD". It meets the definition of, "wading".
Lesson 4 - asides from Indypendence Day, there is no circumstance EVER, t'would necessitate the need fer a flare gun in Huntington Harbor.
Lesson 5 - once yer children have outgrowed their nappies, ya need to keep yer hands out of their undies. In fact, if anyone should have been yellin' ANYTHIN' at passing boats, it's yer son, who should have been yellin' "Stranger Danger!"
The Court finds ye Innocent by reason of Temporary Insanity, but issues a stay away order from yer son's patootey and any body o' water larger than a bathtub.
Miss Wayde's Wife (Michelle) - Hmmmm. It's the Court's understandin' that you yell at and berate yer poor husband throughout almost all his wakin' hours. A lesson you obviously learned from your mother-in-law. Ye yell at yer husband so much, that this Court has heard yer husband has taken to pretending he be goin' deaf! A trick he reportedly learnt from his pappy. The Court understands that Mr. Wayde has gone so far as to get hearin' aids to bolster his claim. On the day in question ye were yellin' at him, "Watch out, yer goin' ta get runned over by the boat!" The Court can't help but wonder if'n yer husband wasn't tryin' to get runned overed on purpose just ta escape yer constant yammerin's! The Court finds ye Innocent, by reason of Temporary Insanity. And by "Temporary", the Court means it hopes yer twenty somethin' years worth of craziness will be comin' ta an end soon!
Miss Wayde's sister's mother-in-law (Donna). The court finds ye to have been the sanest person on the boat, but that tain't much of an accomplishment in this perticaler case.
By the way, one of the major networks be lookin' to buy the movie rights and make this a remake of Gilligan's Island, starring all of ye. Here bes the new castin' choices;
The Skipper - Patrick
Gilligan - Stephanie (she was the First Mate after all)
Thurston Howell and Mrs Howell - Willie & Terri Farrell (because they're the oldest couple, not because they're rich)
Mary Anne - Donna
Ginger - Michelle (not because she's a movie star, but by default, because it's a pretty safe bet that Donna is a better cook)
The Professor - Wayde (because he's obviously the brainy one)
Just finished reading and upvoting your article on Quora then I came here and plan on draining everything you wrote. Joseph Wambaugh ain't got nothing over you.
ReplyDeleteHow come I can't find your name as an author on Amazon Kindle? Even third rate authors like my self are on Kindle.
Don't stop.
Pat Price
Thank you for reading and the compliment. I just have a bunch of these short stories. I don't have a clue as to how to come up with a plot
DeleteThere are some free writing courses on Coursera which is an excellent Mooc and there is one on plot. You can pay a few dollars for a cert or just sign up free and follow the materials (not an affiliate I'll mention as I'm just a customer). I've signed up for their creative writing set (plot, character etc) as I'm thinking of doing an MA in creative writing and this would help decide me. Thought I'd mention it as you are a very talented writer. So it maybe worth a mooch about on that site if you fancy it.
DeleteThank you for the tip, I'll take a look
DeleteMan! I hope your wearing full body armor 24/7. I'm guessing a couple of your comments regarding females aren't going to sit too well with them thar wimmins libbers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the entertainment. Keep it up.
I'm married, so yeah, I wear body armor and I hired a food taster
DeleteHahahaha. This is comedy gold.
ReplyDeleteThank you I just posted another one.
Delete