Case #55 – re The People vs Dan Dyer (Dan the man becomes Dan the fireman)

Case #55 – re The People vs Dan Dyer (Dan the man becomes Dan the fireman)

At the end of 2000 Dan Dyer made T.O. I’ve been waiting to get that slippery Dan “The Man” Dyer in this courtroom ever since he put those 2 stripes on, but the first incident I heard about was blown all out of proportion, and it didn’t seem fit to present. But now an incident has presented itself, that I think is a slam dunk case.

In June of 2005, the 911 board lit up on the EM shift. It was a fire! Not just any old fire, no, this was a house on fire! The type of fire that heroes emerge from, medals are awarded for, and careers are made out of! The call went out,
“Closest unit to roll Code-3, structure fire at 12345 S Bibbidyboo St. Is there a unit in one?”
Dan the Man grabbed his mike and coolly announced,
“169A2, Daniel J Dyer, band 1 on the Sgt’s list, in less than one.”
This superfluous radio traffic caught the SRC radio operator off-guard for a moment, but she quickly recovered and advised,
“Uhhh, 169A2 you have the Code-3 roll, copy?”
Dan the Man keyed the mike,
“169A2, Daniel J Dyer, the only Deputy from Carson station to make band 1 on the Sgt’s list without whining, in less than one. Gimme the Patch, Missy.”

Dan the Man turned to his trainee, gave a wink and a manly slug on the shoulder to his trainee and said,
“Let’s go get me a medal, boy!”
Then he hit the sirens and raced off to destiny. As they neared the location, Dan the Man, grabbed the mike again,
“169A2, Daniel J Dyer, the only Deputy from Carson station to make band 1 on the Sgt’s list without whining, and who just made the intent to promote list, is 97 on the call.”
A few minutes later, the radio came to life again with,
“169A2, Daniel J Dyer, the only Deputy from Carson station to make band 1 on the Sgt’s list without whining, , and who just made the intent to promote list, while little Scotty Wolf dies on the vine, advising Code-4. Early morning fog only, I repeat, it is Code-4, no fire, fog only and you can cancel the Fire Department’s roll. You can drop the Patch. 169A2, Daniel J Dyer,… out!”

Dan the Man, who apparently couldn’t tell the difference between the odor of something burning and heavily moisturized air, turned to his trainee, winked and said,
“I feel cheated kid, I could almost feel that medal around my neck, but as they say in Russia, ‘say luvee’. Although I never understood why the Russians would quote Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. After all they’re commies and he was a capitalist.”
“Uhhhh…I think you mean ‘ C’est la vie’, Sir. It’s French, for that’s life.”, Dan the Man’s trainee had the audacity to suggest.

This interesting conversation between Training Officer and Trainee was interrupted by the Carson desk advising on L-Tac,
“169A2, this is 160D. Are you sure there isn’t a fire, because we are still getting 911 calls about it and the last one said he sees flames coming from the window of his neighbor’s house and his neighbor is a 99 yr old man in a wheel chair.”
“160D, this is 169A2, when Daniel J Dyer, the only Deputy from Carson station to make band 1 on the Sgt’s list without whining, and who just made the intent to promote list, while little Scotty Wolf dies on the vine, advises Code-4, you can be assured… it’s Code-4.”
At that moment Dan the Man’s trainee pointed to the house they were in front of and said,
“Sir, that house is on fire!”
Dan the Man advised,
“Uhhh, 160D, as I stated earlier, the house on fire call is Code-4, it was obviously a prank call. However, we are going to need the Fire Department to respond anyway, because we have found another house that is on fire… but it’s not the house in the call…I can assure you of that! 169A2, Daniel J Dyer,… out!”

VERDICT – Dan Dyer, this Court finds you Guilty of Blowing Smoke Up Someone’s Ass, and an attempted violation of the Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire rule.

SENTENCE- Deputy Dyer, you are a Law Enforcement Officer, and soon to be a law Enforcement Officer Supervisor, I should not have to explain to you that we have rules for a reason. You start off violating the Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire rule, then old dogs start learning new tricks, soon after that, it stops pouring, when it rains, then people start trying to make omellettes without breaking a few eggs in the process, and then you have anarchy in the streets, civilization comes crashing down around us and it all gets traced back to your inability to find fire where there’s smoke! Well not on my watch son, no Sirree Bob. If you want to try to blow smoke up my ass with that cockamamie, “It’s Code-4, early morning fog” bullshit, your gonna find my ass blowin’ that smoke, with an accompanying foul wind, right back in your face! Hey! I like that idea. Daniel J. Dyer, for Blowing Smoke Up Someone’s Ass, and an attempted violation of the Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire rule it is the sentence of this Court that you shall be required to contact, in person, every person who heard that cockamamie broadcast and place your nose between their butt cheeks, not for the purposes of making the Lt’s list, but to allow them the opportunity to blow that smoke, with an accompanying foul wind, right back in your face! You can start with Mike Chacon and Mike Poncedeleon. Take plenty of smelling salts along with you to prevent fainting.