On Nicknames

 

On Nicknames

My wife once asked me why a large number of my male friends and acquaintances are referred to by nicknames. “Oso”, “Rick the Hawaiian”, “Vic the SEAL”, Chinaman Dave”, “Little Dave”, “Big Dave”, “Mexican Dave”, “Dave the plumber”, “Cliffdiver”, “Bucky”, “the Count”, the “Rock”, “Code 4 Greg”, “White Shaft”, “Bosko”, “Chodown”, “Sexual Chocolate”, “Kianporiguez”, “Krakatoa”, “Brian the Bee Guy”, “Chip” (aka, “Okie”), “Cowboy”, “Spot”, “Seven”, “Red Dot”, “Spiderman” aka “Turtleman”, “Freddie Krueger” and  “Smilin' Bob”, were a few.

In pretty much any group, made up mostly of men, you will find that nicknames are common. There are probably more guys nicknamed, “Tex”, in the military than in Texas. Most nicknames are a result of one of the following.

- An adapted version of your actual name. “G8”, was so named, because nobody could pronounce his name and there were 8 letters in it, beginning with “G”. “Bosckovich, which has even more letters, but was at least pronounceable, was shortened to “Bosko”… or relengthed to Bosckobitch if he complained about it.

- An attribute. A guy nicknamed, “Tripod”, is probably popular with the ladies. A guy with big ears is likely to be called, “Radar”. “Beaver”, “Bucky”, “Rabbit” and, “Conejo”, almost certainly have buck teeth. “Brains” may be very intelligent, or maybe not so much, if his pals are sarcastic.

- Where they're from. A lot of guys are simply referred to by the name of their state, or hometown. The aforementioned, “Tex”, “Jersey”, “Boston”, “Philly”, and, “Hollywood”, are all common nicknames. Guess where my friends, “Rick the Hawaiian", and, "English Bob", were from?

- Something you have done, habitually, as a job, or even just once, can result in a permanent nickname. A medic, may be called, “Doc”. A guy who rode in the rodeo? “Cowboy”. My friend, “Vic the SEAL”, was a retired Navy S.E.A.L. One of my pals once ordered six biscuits at a “Popeye’s Chicken”. It’s been three decades and he is still called, “Biscuits”. He hates it. He had wanted to be called, “Indian”, because he is part Navajo, or something. Unfortunately, for him, you don’t get to nickname yourself. That honor falls to the people you work with, or associate with. Too bad you, “Biscuits”.

Some nicknames are sarcastic, but typically fall under one of the above listed nickname categories. “Smilin’ Bob”, was so named, because of his stone face.

Sometimes you get a guy who has a nickname that you may not realize is a nickname. I worked with a guy who, when people talked about him, they always referred to as “Nickles”. So, I thought his name was, Nichols, or, Nickles.  One day I asked him to do something,

“Hey Nickles! Can you look up the shooting from Tuesday and tell me who had the handle?”

“Uh,... Yes, sir.”

“Thanks, Nickles.”

When he left, everyone started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“You called him Nickles! HAH, HAH, HAH!”

“… So? Isn’t that his name.”

“HAH! HAH! HAH! NO! It’s Tolliver! It’s right there on his name tag.”

“Well then why in the fuck does everyone refer to him as Nickles?”

“It’s a joke about his big head. What would you rather have? A million dollars, or Tolliver’s head full of nickles?”

Obscure, but a physical attribute nickname….OH! I’d take the nickles.

I have a friend named Doug with a nickname that nobody knew the source of, “Princess”. “Princess” got to Carson Sheriff’s Station about six months before me. People were already calling him, “Princess” when I got there. I was on training, so I didn’t ask why. Shortly after I got off training, I asked one of the training officers, Steve MacGinnis, why everyone called Doug, “Princess? I remember “Mac”, Looking up and thinking about it for a few seconds before shrugging and saying,

“Shit. I don’t know why we call him, ‘Princess’. It fits him though. What else would we call him?”

Periodically, over the next two decades, or so, I would ask somebody, from those days, how Doug came to be known as, “Princess”. Nobody remembered. I had even asked Doug a few times, but he wasn’t ‘fessing up. He would just laugh, shake his head and say,

“It’s a stupid story.”

Eventually, I just figured he drank his tea with his pinkie in the air, or something foo foo like that. I’d never seen him drink tea, but it seemed like a reasonable explanation.

Thirty years go by. I’d retired. I moved to a city where Doug, who is also retired, lives. Doug is excited to have someone from the old days living a few miles from his house. He and his wife show me and my wife around town. He also takes us to visit another retired former workmate named Brant. Now Brant is damn near a giant. He used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. He greets us with his big booming voice,

“Wayde! ‘Princess’! Good to see you guys!”

Now, I hadn’t heard the nickname, “Princess”, in years, so, I had to ask,

“Hey Brant, do you know how Doug came to have the nickname, ‘Princess’? I’ve asked everybody and nobody knows and Dougie here won’t say.” I keep my pinkie/tea theory to myself.

“Of course!”, Brant booms, “I gave it to him! HA! HA! HA!”

“So, what’s the story?”, I ask

“It’s a stupid story.” Doug says and shakes his head.

Brant explains, “A bunch of us were at a bar drinking. All the old training officers from back in the day, the detectives, the regular deputies. Doug walks up. So, I looked at him, leaned back and said, ‘ Hey Doug! Why don’t you tell everyone how you got the nickname, “Princess”!’ At that point, everybody shut up and looked over at Doug, who was still on training I think. Doug says, “Nobody calls me, ‘Princess’! But nobody believes him, so everyone is asking him to tell them the story, but he keeps denying there is a story.”

“So? What’s the story?”

“That’s it! THAT’S the story! I just made it up, everyone believed it and the nickname stuck! HAH! HAH! HAH!”

“I told you it was a stupid story.”, Doug says and shakes his head.

I think I’m going to stick with my, “pinkie in the air”, story, if somebody asks me about it.