In the early 1980s, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department had a different evidence storage system than they have had since the early 1980s. Up until the early 1980s, the detectives handling a case were responsible for storage, disposition and tracking of evidence in their cases. Each detective had a bin in the evidence storage room that they kept their evidence in and a ledger that they logged the evidence in and out in and put the disposition of in. Carson Sheriff's station's Detective Jerry Kaono aka "Da Big Kahuna" aka "Da Flyin Hawaiian" had one such bin.
In the early 1980s, the department decided to do an audit of the evidence being held at the various sheriff's stations. One of the first stations to be audited was Lakewood station. Quite a bit of evidence was unaccounted for. Heads rolled. Detectives were fired. Detective sgts were fired. Detective lieutenants were fired. Same thing happened at another station. Carson station's number was coming up. Da Big Kahuna not wanting to be caught up in The Purge, decided to make sure his shit was in order, and by, "shit", I mean his evidence bin. He went to the evidence room, on his off time, got his evidence bin and his evidence ledger and began matching evidence in the bin with his ledger. Anything listed in the ledger, that was not in the bin, he made certain had a proper disposition described in the ledger. "Submitted as evidence in Superior Court", "Returned to Owner", "Destroyed", "Submitted to Crime Lab for analysis", etc. No piece of evidence was unaccounted for. No piece of evidence except for an approximately 6" piece of rusted metal that Da Big Kahuna did not recognize. He took it out to examine. It was the upper receiver to a semi automatic handgun.
For you non gun fans, there are two basic types of handguns, revolvers (or as you prefer to call them, "cowboy guns") and semi automatic handguns aka autoloaders (or as you prefer to call them "the even scarier guns"). The upper receiver of a semi atomatic pistol/autoloader/even scarier gun is the part of the gun that holds the barrel and slides back and forth. WHEW! Now, that we have the nomenclature out of the way, I can continue.
Da Big Kahuna examined this piece of evidence closely. It was not from one of his cases. The evidence tag had been torn, so there was no file number to match it to. There was only a partial serial number to start his investigation off of. He went through all of the detectives' logs. Finally he matched it to a case being handled by the detective who's bin was right next to his own. He looked at that bin. It was a mess. Evidence was overflowing out of the bin. Instead of taking the easy way out and just tossing the rusted hunk of junk into that detective's bin, Da Conscientious Big Kahuna followed the proper protocol and wrote a memo advising the Carson Station Detective Bureau lieutenant that, during an inventory of his evidence bin, he had found a piece of evidence belonging to a different detective. He had concluded that this piece of evidence had simply fallen into his bin from the other detective's neighboring bin. The missing evidence tag had been replaced and the evidence had been placed in the proper bin. End of story.
Not so much. The next day Internal Affairs showed up. The evidence audit team showed up. A big investigation was conducted at the conclusion of which, it was determined that Da Big Kahuna was deserving of his choice of 5 days off without pay, or 3 days of working without pay... Yeeeeah... I had two questions when I heard this story.
1- What exactly did Da Big Kahuna do wrong that was deserving of punishment? and...
2- Five days off without pay, or three days of working without pay? What? Why would anybody choose that second option? Da Big Kahuna and another former supervisor of mine, Lt Rocky Costa, tried explaining how the three days of working without pay actually worked, but I still don't get it. That was no longer an option when I came along a few years later. Anyways...
While Da Big Kahuna thoroughly understood the answer to my second question, he shared my bafflement as to the first question. On our department, if you choose to appeal a punishment you can opt to do so at a Chief's Hearing. A chief on our department is not the head of the department as he is on a police department. The head of a sheriff's department is the County Sheriff. Our chiefs are three ranks below the Sheriff. They still have a lot of juice. A WHOLE lotta juice.
Da Big Kahuna went to his Chief's Hearing on the appointed date. There were three chiefs present. This is Da Big Kahuna's recollection of what happened.
Chief #1 - ''Alright Jerry, we want you to relax. There's no need to be nervous. We just want to hear your side as to why you think the recommended punishment is unjust. There's no rank in here. We're all equal during this hearing. Okay, Jerry?''
Da Big Kahuna - ''Okay Sir.''
Chief #1 - ''Alright, go ahead.''
Da Big Kahuna - ''Well, Sir, I don't understand what I did wrong. I didn't misfile anything. I didn't lose any evidence. My bin was in order. A piece of evidence from another bin, fell in my bin, I found it. I tracked it to the proper detective and wrote a memo advising of this.
Chief #1 - ''LISTEN MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE A GUN JUST HAPPENED TO FALL INTO YOUR BIN?! DO YOU THINK WE JUST FELL OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK?!''
Da Big Kahuna was shocked, but he was aware that Chief #2 was rapidly tapping his left shoe against Da Big Kahuna's right shoe in a desperate attempt to get him to respond calmly. He failed... miserably.
Da Big Kahuna - ''What the fuck?! Listen here motherfucker. One, we aren't talking about a fucking gun! We are talking about an upper receiver! A rusted upper receiver! A GUN PART! You take that piece of evidence to any fuckin' District Attorney in the country and try to get him to file a gun charge with that rusted piece of shit! He will laugh you out of the fucking courthouse! A GUN fires a BULLET! This thing doesn't fire a bullet, because it's only a gun PART! All you might be able to do with it, is beat somebody with it and hope they fucking die of TETANUS!''
Chief #1 - ''WHO IN THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SPEAKING TO MOTHERFUCKER?! I'M A FUCKING CHIEF!''
Da Big Kahuna - ''I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU MOTHERFUCKER! THERE'S NO RANK IN HERE! WE'RE ALL EQUAL IN HERE! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING SAID, BEFORE YOU STARTED MOTHERFUCKING ME? I'M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT THIS TO THE DEPARTMENT'S ATTENTION AND YOU WANT TO PUNISH ME?!'
At this point Chief #3 whispered to Chief #1 who paused before saying - We've heard you! We'll discuss it and give you a response regarding our decision in three days! Get the fuck outta here!''
Da Big Kahuna - ''FUCK THAT! You've heard me! You can tell me right now what your decision is, but I'm telling you, I ain't doing 5 days suspension and I aint working 3 days unpaid!''
Chief #1 - ''GET YOUR FUCKIN" ASS OUT OF HERE! THAT'S AN ORDER!''
Da Big Kahuna stormed out, with CHIEF #1 stomping after him, still shouting and pointing his finger.
Three days later the Carson Station Captain called Da Big Kahuna into his office.
Station Captain - ''Jerry, I got the decision letter from your Chief's Hearing.''
Da Big Kahuna - ''So, what'd they decide?''
Station Captain - "They concluded that you were correct, you should not receive any discipline for the evidence incident.''
Da Big Kahuna - "Wow. I'm surprised they voted in my favor. Thanks Captain." He started to get up to leave.
Station Captain - "uhhh... There's one other thing." Jerry settled back into his seat.
Da Big Kahuna - "What's that Cap?"
Station Captain - "You're getting a three day suspension for calling the chief a motherfucker."
Da Big Kahuna - "pffft. Of course I am."
VERDICT - Jerry Kaono, the court finds you guilty of not knowing the difference between EQUAL and equal. In any interaction with a superior, you are equal to them, unfortunately, they are EQUAL to you. Unfortunately, BOLD CAPS don't translate well verbally. Too bad you.
SENTENCE - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You been hangin' roun' too many haoles brah. You fo'git. You a minority, not a majority in society. Some folks dey mo equal dan oddas brah. In da work place, da bos mo equal dan da not boss. Dats hamajang brah, but it just be l'dat. But look on da bright side. You retired now! You get da rest of your life suspended WITH pay.
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