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Case #63 – The People vs Mike Kennard & Walter Zipusch (a backup plan to a backup plan, or fried eggs & sausage)

 Case #63 – The People vs Mike Kennard & Walter Zipusch (a backup plan to a backup plan, or fried eggs & sausage)

In August 2007, Mike Kennard and Walter Zipusch were radio car partners. One hot day, they came across a man standing in the street. The two deputies came to the opinion that the man in the street was under the influence of P.C.P. (peperidine phencyclidine). This opinion was based on several objective physical symptoms which included, a blank stare, drooling, eyeballs bouncing up and down, profuse sweating, the odor of P.C.P and let's see... what else... oh yeah, he was butt-ass naked.
Knowing how strong, violently unpredictable and impervious to pain people under the influence of P.C.P can be, Mike and Walter approached the suspect slowly and cautiously with their Berettas aimed at him. They also requested assistance from other units, and a Field Sergeant. A Sheriff's Department helicopter arrived over head and began to orbit. In his best authoritative voice, Mike ordered the suspect to,
"Get on the ground! Face down!"
The suspect slowly turned his head and looked at Mike with the blank stare of a zombie.
Mike repeated himself, this time adding a very loud,
"DO IT NOW!", to the end of his order, in case the zombie was wondering about the time frame within which he had to comply.
The P.C.P. zombie blinked and continued to stare at Mike.
Mike repeated his order.
Mr. Zombie repeated his response.
Mike looked at Walter for some advice. Walter shrugged and said,
"I think you're wearing him down, keep it up."
Mike tried one more time,
"SIR! LAY ON THE GROUND!, FACE DOWN! DO IT NOW!"
("Sir?" These new guys crack me up. "Sir", ha ha ha ha! Wow. Aaaanyway...)
Drool slipped from the corner of the PCP zombies mouth and splashed onto the asphalt, where it sizzled and evaporated.
Well Mike is a former marine, and if there's one thing he learned on "The Island", it was to improvise, adapt and overcome! Technically, I guess that's three things... but it's one saying... so he learned one saying, encompassing three things. Got it? Mike switched to Plan B. He turned to Walter and whispered,
"We're gonna have to take him down. You go low and I'll go high."

Did you happen to read the part where it says, the PCP zombie, "... was butt-ass naked"? As in, nothing covering his soft and wrinklies? Walter replied in a loud and clear voice, so that there would be nooooo misunderstanding between him and Mike,
"FUUUUUUCK THAT, DUDE!!!"
Did I mention the zombie was naked? I think I did.
Mike came up with a Plan C . He holstered his Beretta and drew his taser. He aimed at the zombie and repeated his order to get on the ground. Now whether it was the taser, the drugs wearing off, a brief moment of clarity, or what the zombie took to be an unusual command from Walter, for Mike to have sex with the zombie, we'll never know. What we do know is that, for whatever reason, the zombie finally complied with Mike's order to lie face down on the asphalt.
Once on the asphalt, the zombie began to rock rapidly from side to side. The two deputies lowered their weapons a bit and cocked their heads at the strange behavior. The helicopter lowered its orbit to not much above the street lights. The female pilot's voice was heard over the loudspeaker,
"What's going on fellas?"
Apparently the zombie thought the question was directed at him and replied,
"THE STREET'S FUCKIN' HOT!"
Did I mention it was about 110 degrees that day? Well it was.
VERDICT - Michael Kennard and Walter Zipusch this Court finds you both guilty of Hosting An Epic Fail Weinie Roast! While roasting a single weinie may meet the literal definition of, "We're having a weinie roast.", it is well established cookout protocol that the minimum requirements for a proper weinie roast involves at least one complete package of hot dogs! Especially when you have invited all of your friends. And where were the condiments and buns? Nowhere in this story was there any mention of condiments, or buns! There has never been an invitation to a weinie roast that read, "Bring your own condiments and buns"!
Sentence - You are both sentenced to;
1-Take a class on proper host etiquette.
2- Contact retired Sgt. Jerry Kaono for tips on conducting a weinie roast with a taser.

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